I'm A Celebrity... (Really?)

So we’re one week into the sixth series of I’m A Celebrity, the reality show which, depending on its casting, can be absolutely brilliant (Jordan, Peter Andre, Johnny Rotten) or absolutely dismal (Linda Barker, Phil Tufnell, Antony Worrall Thompson).

This year’s lot are the same mix of faded has beens, obscure nobodies and tabloid freakshows, but so far it’s been surprisingly entertaining, largely down to Thursday’s show, which was one of the most astonishing pieces of television all year.

The whole camp could be obilterated by witchity grubs and this series would still be remembered for Dean Gaffney’s near mental-breakdown in his Bushtucker Trial Challenge. Half hilarious, half quite disturbing, the former Wellard sidekick didn’t really seem to have a clue what he was doing or where he was and his relentless shrieking has surely surpassed Paul Burrell’s gurning in the over-dramatic stakes.

But he’s not the only character worth watching. I’ll forever be scarred by the image of David Gest kissing Liza Minelli at their wedding, but despite this, I’m actually quite liking him. Yes, he’s a blatant name-dropper, bullshitter and prone to the odd diva tantrums, but he’s also very witty, is prepared to get stuck in and is responsible for the “I can’t even get a bloody chocolate cookie” rap.

Lauren Booth has also been unintentionally funny, putting her foot in it on several occasions, whether it’s crawling to Gest over comments she made about his plastic surgery, saying she didn’t know who Phina was when she was stood right next to her and then of course, there were those preposterous reggae and hip-hop dancing moves. Seeing Cherie Blair’s half-sister attempt to be the female Beenie Man is definitely one of the most bizarre things you’ll ever see on a reality show.

Elsewhere, Toby Anstis would eat himself if he could but he’s still quite likeable, as is Myleene Klass and Jason Donovan, the obvious winner , even if he doesn’t really do that much. Neither does Matt Willis, who seems the most normal one in there but it’s a very odd career decision to go into the jungle when your album’s being released at the same time. Being a contestant doesn’t seem to have worked wonders for Anthony Costa or Jenny Frost’s career has it?

Jan Leeming looks great for her age but is possibly even more whinier than Natalie Appleton was, which is quite some feat. I have no sympathy for any contestants who don’t seem to know what they’ve let themselves in for. This is the sixth series for Christ’s sake.

Phina is intriguing, well her accent is anyway, veering from American to Scouse in the space of a sentence. Scott almost outdoes Fran Cosgrave, Natasha from Atomic Kitten’s ex boyfriend, in the complete nobody stakes. Does designing Samantha Mumba’s dresses really constitute being a celebrity these days? Anyway, he’s as vile, bitchy and as shit-stirring as you would expect and will surely be the first one out. And Faith Brown and Malandra Burrows have left absolutely no impression whatsoever.

Anyway, last night we found out there is to be one of those dreaded twists that seem to curse reality shows (see this year’s BB.) and the group of 12 are going to be split up into boys and girls. In saying that, a change might do the show good. There’s only so many times you can see maggots crawling over minor celebrities before the appeal starts to wear off.

This Week's Singles

Take That, like All Saints, have made the pretty smooth transition from obscurity back to the pop scene again. “Patience” (***) is exactly the kind of song you knew they’d come back with – a mid-tempo James Blunt lighter in the air anthem that doesn’t embarrass them but doesn’t exactly set the world on fire either. You’d think at least one of the other three would be allowed to sing this time though.

As noted further down, Emma Bunton’s “Downtown” (*) is a predictable and completely uninspiring choice to launch her album. She’s never going to be the most exciting artist in the world but the 60s retro Bond themes, bossanova and easy listening pop worked so well on her last album so it’s a shame to see her reduced to doing nothing more than karaoke.

The Feeling’s singles seem to be following a pattern. Sewn was great, Fill My Little World was not, Never Be Lonely was great, “Love It When You Call” (**) is not. They’re considered a “guilty pleasure” by many but they seem to have taken the whole irony a bit too far this time, sounding more like a MOR Darkness than an updated version of ELO.

Lemar’s last single was the most boring one of the year and “Someone Should Tell You” (**) isn’t much better. He really does seem to have abandoned the prospect of being the UK’s best R&B talent and is now settling for the kind of dated watered down soul that Smooth FM playlist to death.

Elsewhere, Red Hot Chili Peppers, the most over-rated band this decade, release more cod-funk with the awfully-titled “Snow (Hey Oh)” (*), Pink’s tradition of releasing at least one self-pitying dirge per album continues with “Nobody Knows” (*) and finally Faithless return after their huge selling Greatest Hits with “Bombs” (****) a Royksopp-style track featuring Harry from Kubb which leaves you underwhelmed at first but slowly grows on you and is indeed, this week’s Single Of The Week.

This Week's Singles

I know I’m in the minority here but I’m just not “feeling” Justin Timberlake’s new direction. “Sexyback” was a big pile of nothing, his videos have been strangely dull and "My Love", (**) the supposed standout track from the Futuresex/Lovesounds album features a whiny falsetto vocal that I'm surprised anyone other than dogs can hear. There is better on the album (the title track, "What Goes Around Comes Around") but even the crass McDonalds tie-in "I'm Lovin It" is preferable to this.

Has there ever been a less appealing duet than Akon and Eminem’s “Smack That.” (no stars) I’d rather listen to Jordan and Peter Andre’s album. What a shame that Eminem’s “retirement” lasted all of about five seconds. And what a shame that Akon didn’t have the decency to retire after the god-awful chav anthem “Lonely.”

"Lovelight" (****) could be the song to save Robbie Williams’ half-decent #1 Rudebox album from "only" going multi-platinum instead of being multi-multi platinum. It’s the kind of soul-pop that George Michael did so well before he disappeared up his own backside. God knows why it wasn’t the lead single.

Snow Patrol go someway to redeeming themselves after their horribly cynical attempt at a stadium anthem with their last single. with the gorgeous “Set Fire To The Third Bar,” (***) featuring the Cerys Matthews soundalike Martha Wainwright.

After the dismal failures of US5 and Upper Street, 365 are the latest boyband to try and do the seemingly impossible, by having a hit record. The generic R&B-pop of “One Touch” (**), which completely steals the verses of Terri Walker’s “Whoopsie Daisy” won’t do it.

Helena Paparizou’s Eurovision winner wasn’t even released in the UK so it’s a bit mystifying that her follow up, “Mambo” (**) has been. It’s more of the same Europop that would have sounded pretty good had it been released in the Summer but sounds out of place on a rainy day in November.

It’s amazing to think Ronan Keating isn’t yet 30 when he seems to have been releasing the same kind of granny-chasing, soul-destroying easy listening such as “This I Promise You” (*) for what seems like hundreds of years. The wonderful uplifting guitar-pop of Life Is A Rollercoaster seems a long long time ago.

Captain have been completely ignored by everyone despite their wonderful harmony-layered pop such as "Frontline" (***) being far more interesting than the similar Magic Numbers. “You’re So Pretty” (***) is another re-release, this time from another under-rated group, The Charlatans, whose Best Of released last week is one of the better of the millions out this Christmas. And Orson, featuring the most smug lead singer since Phil Collins, continue to torture us with “Already Over”, (*) the same plodding 70s AOR that has somehow give them a #1 single and album.

The Best TV Drama Ever

It may be ridiculously early to start wallowing in 90s nostalgia but when something as good as the re-running of the entire two series of the excellent This Life on BBC2 comes along, who cares.

The show which launched the careers of Andrew Lincoln (Teachers, Afterlife) and Jack Davenport (Pirates of the Carribean, The Talented Mr Ripley) follows the trials and tribulations of a group of young legal graduates who all share a house together in London. It's not exactly Lost in terms of plotlines but it's the realism, superb characterisation and ground-breaking (at the time) camerawork that sets it apart from any other TV drama.

And after watching the first ever episode on Monday night, apart from a few dodgy haircuts and some outdated references to Paul Ince and Princess Diana, it's still as fresh and relevant as ever. Which makes the prospect of this year's long-awaited Christmas special even more exciting.

I missed it first time around due to being a tad too young to appreciate it but got hooked on it when it was repeated in the summer of 2000. And it quickly became one of my favourite ever TV shows. Two episodes are being screened every weeknight, so it's going to be hard to keep up, but the final episode, with THAT punch will make staying up til 1am for the next couple of months worth it alone.

Don't Do It Emma

As a closet Spice Girls fan, the kind of thing you can only get away with confessing to on the internet, the varying depths to which their solo careers have plummeted in recent years has been particularly painful to watch.

Whether it was Geri's misjudged soft porn video for Desire, Mel B's laughably cheap album LA State of Mind or Mel C's insistence on releasing plodding pub-rock, there hasn't been much to cheer about since Emma's wonderfully retro Free Me album over two years ago.

But any hope that she might be the sole success story was quashed when I saw and heard her latest single, the Petula Clark cover, Downtown. It may be for charity but that doesn't mean she has to release the kind of lazy inoffensive cover that reduces her to the status of a younger Jane McDonald.

Her tie-in with Strictly Come Dancing is a clever marketing idea but it would have worked so much better if she'd come out with something as classy as Free Me, as bonkers as Maybe or as fun as Crickets Sing For AnnaMaria.

She's apparently been working with Smoke City, responsible for Underwater Love, the excellent Levis advert tune from 1997, and the guys behind UK chart-toppers Olive, so the album sounds more promising. But releasing it in December is absolute career suicide. So many albums by much bigger acts have sank without trace due to being lost in the Christmas rush.

Each Spice Girl has had their moments of pop genius but their recent output has been nothing short of woeful. I'm glad they've had the dignity not to get back together for a quick buck but I do with they wouldn't tarnish their reputation even more by releasing such rubbish.

Kermit Has Left The Building

Some thoughts on this week's pitiful X-Factor.

- Thank God the British public saw sense and finally voted Ashley in the bottom two. The only reason he seemed to be there in the first place was because Simon Cowell thought he was "different." But being different doesn't automatically mean you're any good. All this crap about him having more star quality, more potential etc - take away the afro and what are you left with - vocals reminiscent of Kermit the Frog yawning. His version of "The Winner Takes It All" was almost as bad as Rosie Ribbons' massacre in the first Pop Idol and his arrogance seemed to hold no bounds. "Louis only voted me out because he wants to get rid of the strongest." Yeah, that's why you've been in the bottom three for the last two weeks. Such a threat.

- I'm actually quite worried that Louis Walsh seemed to make a hell of a lot more sense than Simon Cowell. Ray IS a one-trick-pony and singing Waterloo in a swing style isn't a risk. Tailoring every single genre to swing music is completely the opposite of a risk. It's safe, predictable and boring. And he was dead right to send Ashley home. Robert is a better singer, performer and person full stop. Cowell's fake indignation was pathetic.

Eton Road are now my new favourites. After not thinking much of them until the live shows, they are now the most entertaining act in the competition. The UK needs a boyband like this at the moment - a band who aren't prepared to sit on stools until the key change, a band who aren't prepared to do lifeless covers of bland ballads, a band who knows pop music should be fun. They certainly look odd as a group, indeed Anthony always appears to be on a different planet to the other three, but I really do think they have a good chance of winning.

- Unlike Leona, who is actually my real favourite but I'm resigned to the fact that she will never win because she's a) female, b) black c) and doesn't have a sob story. I seem to be in the minority here but I thought her version of Chiquitita was by far the best of the night.

- She'll still probably be out before the Macdonald Brothers so bashing them is obviously a complete waste of time. The thing is, I don't think they're particularly horrendous. They're just so unbelievably dull and no amount of pointless guitar solos will change that. I can see Nikita, Robert and maybe even Ray ending up in the bottom two before they do. Anyone who votes for them purely because they're Scottish, which I'm assuming must be everyone who does, is a complete pillock.

- It was hilarious to see Bjorn from Abba struggling to hide his contempt when being interviewed. Apart from Leona and Eton Road, they really are the worst group of talent contest finalists we've ever had.

This Week's Singles

All Saints have somehow managed to slide back into the pop-scene without sounding contrived or like has-beens. Which is even more remarkable considering how career-damaging Natalie Appleton's appearance on I'm A Celeb was. "Rock Steady" (***) is nowhere near their best but is still effortlessly-cool pop and shows reunions, no matter what the motive, don't always have to be embarrassing.

Sugababes took over from All Saints as the credible girl group that Q magazine readers are allowed to like and have been untouchable ever since Freak Like Me four years ago. Until now. "Easy" (***) is far from being a bad record. The chorus is great, the toilet-door dance routine is inspired and Amelle looks like she's been a Sugababe from day one, but overall, it sounds as though they're on autopilot. It looks like Girls Aloud might have stolen their thunder this Christmas when it comes to girlband Greatest Hits.

Maybe Mutya was the source of all the Sugababes powers. But on the evidence of "This Is Not Real Love" (*) she needs them just as much. She's the second Sugababe to go solo but instead of Siobhan's introspective guitar pop, Mutya's gone for the non-descript ballad with none other than serial car-sleeper and pensioner-cruiser George Michael. What sounds like an adventurous and intriguing duet on paper sounds terminally dull in reality. Both can do so so much better.

Teaming up two of the world's biggest bands is a great idea to sell as many charity records as possible, but it doesn't mean the actual record will be great. U2 and Green Day's cover of The Skids' "The Saints Are Coming" (*) is not as ear-bleedingly bad as expected but it was never going to be my idea of musical heaven.

Thank God it's been released this week though, as it looks like it just might keep Westlife, the worst thing to ever happen to pop music, off the #1 spot. "The Rose" (no stars) is a Bette Midler cover, surprise surprise, from their new covers album, surprise surprise. They're about as relevant to today's music scene as George Formby and it's embarrassing seeing how low they will stoop, whether it's their smug life-insurance advert type videos or their sub-standard Daniel O'Donnell material, just to reach the lucrative Radio 2 mums and grandmas market. Most pop groups split up after three albums. Westlife are on their seventh. Please someone make it stop.

Infernal's "From Paris To Berlin" screamed one-hit-wonder but their cover of Laura Branigan's "Self Control" (***) is not as tacky as you would expect and might ensure their brand of camp Europop sees another day.

Page 3 model Michelle Marsh was half-decent on Celebrity X Factor so what on earth has happened to her voice since then? She delivers probably the worst vocal performance this side of Jordan's wedding duet on "Don't Do," (no stars) a contender for worst single of the year.

Madonna's foray back into dance music left me a little cold at first. "Hung Up" would have been nothing without the sample and "Sorry" sounded like a Rachel Stevens b-side. She's got better with each single though and "Jump", (****) the fourth from Confessions On A Dancefloor, is her best since "Love Profusion." and this week's surprise Single Of The Week.

Elsewhere, Kasabian continue their transformation from Stone Roses soundalikes to Gary Glitter/ Sweet soundalikes on the glam-rock retro of "Shoot The Runner," (**) Paris Hilton continues to be surprisingly mediocre and not the train-wreck of a pop career we were expecting on "Nothing In This World" (**) and Fatboy Slim's pedestrian "Champion Sound" (**) proves he puts far more effort into his videos than his songs. And finally, Lucie Silvas releases probably the most underwhelming comeback single of the year. There's nothing wrong with a bit of MOR but "Last Year" (*) even makes Katie Melua look exciting.

Films I've Seen This Week

Hot on the heels of The History Boys, comes another film set around education in the 1980s. But instead of Alan Bennett's unrealistic portrayal of Yorkshire grammar schools, Starter For Ten (***) takes a realistic look at university life in Bristol.

James McAvoy plays Brian Jackson, a hard-working English literature student who leaves his Motorhead loving, dole-cheating friends behind to start a new life in Bristol protesting, partying and appearing on University Challenge. Whilst there, he learns more than he bargained for when he meets the flirty quiz team-mate Alice and political activist Rebecca.

Starter For Ten, based on John Nicholls debut novel, doesn't provide many belly laughs - its gentle humour more suited to Sunday night TV rather than the big screen. But it has characters you genuinely care about, isn't as pretentious as The History Boys, two of which stars also appear here, and features genuinely good performances from McAvoy, Dominic Cooper as wayward friend Spencer and the ubiquitous Catherine Tate as Brian's protective mother.

The 80s sets, fashion sense and angst-ridden soundtrack also adds to the authenticity, seen missing from similar movies, and overall, it provides an amusing if fairly plotless look at an experience a lot of people can relate to.

Saw 3 (*) adheres to the law of diminishing returns rule. The first was geniunely inventive, original and scary, the second was derivative and contrived, the third is just downright nasty.

The convoluted plot sees Jigsaw, (Lost's Tobin Bell) on his deathbed in a downtown macabre warehouse, masterminding yet another ridiculous life-or-death game with the help of his even more twisted former-victim-turned-sadist Amanda.

Lynn, an overworked and troubled nurse, is kidnapped and fitted with a neck brace which will detonate if Jigsaw dies. Her objective is to keep him alive using makeshift medical tools, until the end of his final twisted game. This game involves a grieving father, Jim, who's been set a series of gruesome dilemmas which he must wrestle with in order to get revenge on the man who knocked down and killed his young son.

The twists in the first film particular are what made the franchise so shocking and unpredictable. But because of this, you're already prepared for the inevitable shocking finale. You can spot the main twist a mile off and the others just make no sense whatsoever.

The violence is also plain gratuitous and nasty. Witnessing an innocent woman exploding or a man having to rip hooks out of every body part in full close up isn't scary or shocking, it's just vile, and leaves you feeling dirty after having watched it. There's bound to be a fourth but it's going to have to rely on more than cheap shocks to come anywhere near redeeming the series.

She's The Man (***) is much lighter thank god but probably just as far-fetched. Like a younger female Mrs Doubtfire, Viola (Amanda Bynes) pretends to be her brother Sebastian in order the make his college soccer team and inflict defeat on her school who wouldn't let her play with the boys.

There, a complicated love triangle ensues, apparetnly based on Shakespeare's Twelfth Night, as she falls for Duke (Channing Tatum) who is in love with Olivia, who then falls in love with Viola as Sebastian.

The whole plot is rendered unbelievable by the fact that putting on a dodgy wig does not make Bynes look anything like a boy and you don't for one minute think anyone would be fooled. We're also expected to believe that Channing Tatum's character has no luck with women and that the team, who look like they've never kicked a football in their life, are the US college version of Chelsea (also lookout for the poster of Frank Lampard for an unlikely big-screen reference.)

In saying that, there's fun to be had in watching Viola try to fit in, whether it's staging fake break-ups, getting to grips with shaving or trying to control her urges towards Duke. It may be nonsense but it's harmless fun.