This Week's New Singles

It may be a week scarce on big new releases, but it does provide perhaps two of the most unlikeliest chart comebacks of the year.

It's been nine years since Gina G last graced the Top 40. Since then we've seen her being booted out early on Reborn In The USA, her completely pointless Song For Europe entry but at last she gets a chance to release something again. And "Tonight's The Night" (****) is actually pretty good in a sub-par Dannii Minogue kinda way. The sending-herself-up video is also very funny and it's a shame that this will probably miss the top 75 altogether.

It's been even longer since David Hasselhoff's solitary hit single in 1993. But now witnessing a renaissance thanks to his autobiography and appearance in the new Adam Sandler film, he's back to unleash his deadly 80s perm on us again. "Jump In My Car" is literally unreviewable. Yes, it's bad. It is really bad. But just when you think he's seriously trying to be the next Billy Ray Cyrus, the whole chorus flips on its head, he proves that he does have a sense of humour and you actually end up quite liking it. Radio 1's Scott Mills has been campaigning for this to get to #1. It certainly wouldn't be the worst we've had this year.

Nerina Pallot's inconsistent career doesn't look like changing with the bizarre decision to release "Sophia" (***) as the second single from the rather good Fires album. A lovely Sarah McLachlan piano-led ballad it may be, but single material it is not.

What on earth has happened to Bob Sinclair. It was only six years ago that he released the anthemic "Feel For You", now he's reduced to whistling songs and novelty garbage like "Rock This Party" (*) , a Jive Bunny-style megamix of early 90s dance featuring a Fatman Scoop soundalike. The video may be cute but come on.

Nicole Sherzinger releases what will surely be the first of many attempts to break free from The Pussycat Dolls. Let's face it, the other girls are about as useful as a chocolate fireguard but she's going to have to do better than this P.Diddy duet if she wants to go solo. "Come To Me" (**) is as pedestrian as R&B gets.

Ross Copperman may not have the most showbiz name but despite it being a hybrid of every Coldplay, Muse and Radiohead song you've ever heard, "As I Choke" (****) ties with Gina G for Single Of The Week.

Razorlight continue to sound like this decade's Boomtown Rats with "America" (***). Not something the world exactly needed and the hyperbole over their new album ("the best guitar album since Definitely Maybe" according to Q magazine) is complete claptrap. But worryingly, this is the third single I've liked from them in a row.

Elsewhere Javine attempts yet another comeback by teaming up with dance producers Soul Avengers on the formulaic "Don't Let The Morning Come" (**), Yummy Bingham, surely not her real name, screeches her way through the tuneless "Come Get It" (*) and Ne-Yo is still as slushy and schmaltzy as ever on "Stay." (**)

The Most Defeatist Album In The World...Ever?

Has there ever been a more blatant admission that your best days are behind you than "Stop The Clocks," the new Oasis Best Of?

Of course, everyone knows that the band haven't been of any relevance since shell-suits were seen as the height of fashion but you wouldn't really expect them to admit it too. Yet one look at the tracklisting of the forthcoming compilation and you'll see that a staggering 14 out of the 18 songs are singles, album tracks and B-sides from the Definitely Maybe/ What's The Story...Morning Glory era.

So despite having four more albums of material to choose from, they chose more than two thirds from their first two albums. So there's no room for #1s D'You Know What I Mean, All Around The World or The Hindu Times, no room for Roll With It, a song responsible for the biggest chart battle of the 90s, and no room for arguably their best single, Whatever.

So what is the point exactly? They've completely alienated the casual buyer who wouldn't think of buying a studio album, but would consider buying an album with all the hits. And if you did want these songs, you'd probably be better just buying the first two albums, which are always pretty cheap anyway.

The album title says it all. They obviously wish they could have stopped them back in 1996.

Word On The Street

Corrie has been pretty poor this year, the ridiculous Jason and Sarah wedding, the awful Adam Baldwin and his even more awful haircut, Dev and his bratty daughter etc. Hardly vintage stuff. But these last few weeks have gone some way in re-addressing the balance and it's now worth watching again thanks to several entertaining if unspectacular storylines.

I don't think anyone was excited about Kym Marsh's character, Michelle, coming back but since she started pulling pints in the Rovers, she's become a welcome addition and her bitch-fests with Liz have been very funny, as have the spats between her brother Liam, the most Manc person ever, and Danny Baldwin.

The whole "does Jamie love Sean storyline" is totally ridiculous (even Jack Duckworth would be more preferable than the walking cliched wet lettuce) but it does at least give more screentime to the excellent Jenny Platt as the confused and desperate Violet.

And tonight, we'll hopefully get to see the brilliantly slimy Charlie get his come-uppance when he finds out his former doormat Shelley is pregnant with his baby. And his equally hideous girlfriend Tracy knows.

And in the next few weeks, there's a death before a wedding, a teenage couple runaway and the devil-child himself, David Platt continues to be as satanic as possible. Even the worst episode of Corrie is usually better than the best the hopeless Eastenders can offer, which makes the latter's triumph at this week's Inside Soap Awards even more laughable.

Battle Of The Girlbands

So you wait for one decent girlband song and then three come along at once.

The new Girls Aloud song "Something Kinda Oooh" follows the same formula as all their other up-tempo stuff. Four songs rolled into one. Check. Nonsensical lyrics. Check. More hooks than a pirate convention. Check. It's never going to convert any new fans but if you haven't been seduced by the most inventive pop group this decade yet, I don't think you ever will be. It's a shame that they didn't have the guts to release a fourth album instead of the obligatory three studio albums then a Greatest Hits. But from the look of the quite frankly astonishingly bad accompanying video and the behind the scenes Off The Record series, they just don't seem bothered anymore. It would take a brave man to bet against them splitting up after they've done all the promotion.

Reuniting 90s groups might be all the rage these days but I don't think anyone believed All Saints would join in. While promoting their last single, the group weren't speaking to each other, the Appleton book seemed to rub more salt into the wound, and after Natalie's shambolic appearance on I'm A Celebrity..., would anyone want to see them back? Well from the sound of their comeback single, Rock Steady, then yes.

It's not a patch on their glorious back to back William-Orbit produced singles Pure Shores and Black Coffee. But it's not an embarrassment either. Sounding very much like Girls Aloud meets Lily Allen, Rock Steady is quirky ska-pop with a pretty infectious chorus that should guarantee them top five at least.

You can usually rely on an absolute killer first single from the Sugababes, see Freak Like Me, Hole In the Head, Push The Button. But "Easy" is fairly disappointing on first listen. The minimal R&B sound of the verses doesn't promise much and when the chorus comes, it all seems a bit lacklustre. It is a grower but it sounds much more like an album track than a lead single and it doesn't bode well for their third line-up change.

None of the three singles are in the same league as their respective best stuff but it's good to have three really good girl groups around in this barren time for pop music, and it'll be interesting to see who charts higher when they're released next month. My money's on All Saints.

This Week's Singles

It's quite a week for new singles with several big names all releasing this week. Unfortunately, most of them are just rubbish. The gruesome pairing of Leann Rimes and Bryan McFadden being perhaps the worst, managing to do the impossible and out-bore Lemar's latest single. "Everybody's Someone" (no stars) is quite simply the most wishy-washy, dull and so inoffensive-it's-offensive record of the year and I defy anyone not to fall asleep while listening to it.

The Streets continue their descent into self-pitying parody with "Prangin Out" (**), US5, the most ridiculous and mis-timed pop group of all time attempt to break the UK with the laughable sub-Ricky Martin latin-pop of "Maria". (no stars) And OK Go's "Here It Goes Again" (*) is the complete opposite to the new Girls Aloud song. Great video, awful song.

It gets a bit better with The Pussycat Dolls who release what seems like the sixty-fourth single from their debut album but is actually only the fifth with "I Don't Need A Man" (***). They may be the most non-descript girlband around (would anyone really notice if the four who never actually sing were replaced by cardboard cut-outs?) but they sure know how to put out some pretty decent pop songs. Unlike most fifth singles, which usually sound like the bottom of a barrel being scraped, this has enough energy to be a lead single and indeed, single of the week.

Paolo Nutini is yet another dull singer-songwriter riding on the crest of the colossal James Blunt wave. Just because he plays the guitar and has long hair, it doesn't make him any more worthy than say, Will Young. He also sounds like he couldn't be bothered on "Jenny Don't Be Hasty" (*). James Dean Bradfield's "An English Gentlemen" (**) is much better but that's not saying much. And how Lionel Richie hasn't been filed a lawsuit for "I Call It Love" (**) is beyond me as it is basically a carbon-copy merge of Ne-Yo's last two singles.

Lily Allen's "LDN" (***) is just as charming as her last single, Lil Chris from Rock School's "Checkin It Out" (***) is surprisingly half-decent despite some bizarre wobbly vocals and former Destiny's Child member LeToya's "Torn," (**) unfortunately not a Natalie Imbruglia cover, is classy but still rather tiresome R&B.

Evanescence still seem to think it's 2003 again. "Call Me When You're Sober" (**) makes no attempt to even slightly change the overblown nu-metal pop sound of their debut, and therefore sounds already quite dated. Chris Lake's "Changes" (**) is another generic dance "anthem" which goes absolutely nowhere and All American Rejects enter the Bon Jovi power-ballad market with "It Ends Tonight." (***) Corny it may be but I kinda like it.

Films I've Seen This Week

Battle Royale (*****) has been one of those films that I’ve really wanted to see but just never got round to until the now-free Film 4 showed it last weekend. And now it’s probably entered my top ten films of all time.

A group of classmates are drugged on a school trip and taken to a mysterious island where they are then told by their teacher they are about to enter a sadistic game. They have three days to kill each other in a battle of survival until there is just one left. If they don’t, they will all be killed by an exploding ring that has been placed around their neck.

While some kids relish this challenge and set off to murder as many as they can, some simply give in, while some attempt to find a way to thwart the evil authority overseeing the game.

The cinematography is stunning, giving it an almost post-apocalyptic feel, the pace never slows from the outset and despite the horiffic Lord Of The Flies scenario, there is still touches of humour, both intentional, the almost MTV-inspired instruction video in particular, and unintentional, the amount of times a person will come back to life after being blasted close range 100 tims does require a certain amount of disbelief.

The actual killings are inventive, the classical music blasted over the tannoy is inspired, and the back stories to explain the motives of the children means that the characters are not as one-dimensional as they could have been, particularly Yannahara, whose tragic history of his parents, makes his refusal to kill and his desire to protect his best friend even more poignant.

This is a world cinema masterpiece that even subtitle-phobics will enjoy.

The Business (***) is a rather enjoyable trip through the 80s starring Danny Dyer, who yet again teams up with director Nick Love for another crime flick, this time about British drug barons in the Costa Del Sol.

Dyer plays Frankie, who after killing his mum’s abusive partner flees to Malaga where he meets super-suave playboy Charlie, who takes him under his wing and introuduces him to a life of organised crime.

British gangster-style movies are not exactly my thing, but this worked thanks to the the excellent soundtrack, the balance of black humour and sometimes shocking violence and Dyer, who is excellent as the innocent but cheeky Cockney wideboy who turns into a ruthless gun-toting cokehead.

Children of Men (****) is without doubt, the best film I’ve seen at the cinema all year.

Set in 2027, the world is in crisis as no children have been born for 20 years due to all women becoming infertile. The streets of Britain are also in utter chaos due to out of control immigration where “fugees” are thrown in cages to await deporation.

Theo (Clive Owen), is abducted by a secret society, the head of which is his ex-girlfriend (Julianne Moore), and asked to get papers to transport a woman named Kee, who is holding a secret that will change the world, out of the country.

The film is utterly relentless in its power to leave you on the edge of your seat. The action, which focuses on the war between rebels and the armed forces is astonishingly powerful, the performances, particularly reluctant hero Owen, are excellent and there is one big shock you never see coming after only half an hour that ensures the film is never going to be predictable.

Slam Dunk Da Funk

Is it just me or is this whole pop-group-getting-back-together thing getting a little ridiculous? The Take That and East 17 reunions, I can understand. Ten years have passed since they were at their peak, enough time for solo careers of varying success, enough time for their fans to grow up and so enough time for an announcement of them reforming to be seen as an event.

But is there any need for Five, a group whose last single was less than five years ago to jump on the 90s nostalgia bandwagon?

Now, I actually quite liked Five, or should I say, 5ive. They were everything a boyband should be. They made great pop singles, didn't take themselves too seriously and showed up Westlife for the cesspool of Daniel O'Donnell impersonators that they were. They also gained a lot of respect by quitting, like Take That and Busted did, while they were at the top of their game. But to reform so soon after seems to defeat the object a little. Who's next? One True Voice?

I hope they succeed because pop music needs a good boyband at the moment but I honestly don't think enough people will care.

Shame On You Polydor Records

I've loved the UK Top 40 ever since I was at primary school, listening to Bruno Brookes and taping all the songs I liked. It's a simple format. A compilation of the top 40 best-selling singles of that week. So it's a shame that despite all the changes that have happened this year, no-one can still seem to fathom how it should work.

This week, the OCC and music retailers have finally seen sense and from next year, all downloads will count towards the singles chart, not just from a week before its release like it is now. And about time too.

Now I'm quite archaic when it comes to purchasing music. I like having the artwork, the credits, the actual CD, something physical to show for your money and feel it's quite sad that the physical end of the singles market has been dying a slow death these past few years.

But I'm in the minority here and as the download market continues to increase, the chart should reflect what people are buying, whether it's two months before it's released in the shops, or six months after it's gone to #1. It was a ridiculous situation that The Scissor Sisters, Justin Timberlake and Gnarls Barkley had already sold bucketloads of their #1 singles by the time they were chart eligible but missed out on a few more rightly-deserved weeks in the top ten because of a pointless regulation.

But just when you think the chart is making progress, along comes Polydor Records to spoil it all. Thanks to downloads, the chart is becoming less predictable. Whereas a song would usually peak in its first week of release then plummet, now acts like Sandi Thom, Shakira and James Blunt have actually climbed to #1 and songs are regularly climbing inside the top ten, a situation unthinkable a few years ago.

One of those songs is Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol, which has inexplicably now been deleted by Polydor Records, meaning that despite it actually increasing its sales by 35% this week, it will drop from #8 to outside the chart altogether this weekend.

The deletion of singles has been happening for donkey's years, the first I remember being Wet Wet Wet's "Love Is All Around" in 1994 and are usually done to either a) give a forthcoming single by the same act the chance to gain more airplay and not be overshadowed by its previous hit or more recently b) if a hit single's parent album is struggling, the single will be deleted so then the only way to get the song would be to buy the album hence more profits for the record company.

Now this tactic worked before downloads but what is the point now? You can download any individual song you want at any time. The Snow Patrol song probably hadn't reached its peak position and the album actually went back up to #1 a few weeks ago, meaning that people were buying both the single and album.

The great thing about the UK chart is that unlike the US Billboard chart, with its ludicrous airplay inclusion, it's based entirely on what people are buying. The likes of Gnarls Barkley, Peter Kay and Shayne Ward have all proved recently that there are singles that will excite people enough to go and buy them in their hundreds of thousands. But by robbing a single of a higher chart position just to get a few more album sales, the singles chart is becoming completely distorted and is losing any meaning or credibility it had. *Chart anorak rant over*

Totally Deluded?

MTV UK might be a load of Yank-centric rubbish most of the time (does anyone outside the US know who Master P is? So why do we need to see his "Cribs" about ten times every week?) but it really does excel when it comes to commissioning their own reality shows. After the excellent car-crash series that was Totally Scott-Lee comes the follow up, Totally Boyband.

The concept is simple. To follow around a newly-created boyband supergroup made up of five singers who combined have "apparently" sold 80 million records worldwide. But you wouldn't be able to laugh at the show if it were former pop stars who actually had talent, Gary Barlow, Tony Mortimer etc. So instead we get a group made up mostly of people who never actually sang on their records. Now I'm no expert on these particular groups but I don't ever remember hearing Jimmy Constable singing on a 911 record, the same with Danny Wood for NKOTB and Lee from Steps (apart from the rap on 5,6,7,8 of course).

Now Bradley from S Club 7 did sing on quite a few singles but he will always be etched on my memory for his astonishing tone-deaf rendition of Don't Stop Movin at the Queen's Jubilee concert which made Geri Halliwell sound like a choir of angels. It was that bad.

So you do have to feel sorry for the only genuinely talented member of the group, Dane Bowers, who was the frontman of Another Level and is the only one to have actually had a solo, however brief, career. At the beginning of the decade he had worked with Jay-Z and Ghostface Killah. Now he's working with a former-drug addict midget, a man approaching 40 whose last hit was probably when Bowers was at primary school and Lee from Steps. It could have been worse I suppose. It could have been H.

Anyway, in last night's first show, it was made clear that the majority of them were pretty embarrassed about their pop past which is a shame as Steps, S Club 7 and Another Level have all had their moments of half-decentness. But now it's credibility they're after and so we now get lots of pretentious talk like "we need to feel the vibe," "I can't wait to jam in the studio" and how they want to write their first single.

Well you can hear a minute of their finished single on their official website http://www.upperstreet4u.com/news/content.asp?NewsID=3". Needless to say, it's Dane Bowers on lead vocals, and even though it's not particularly bad, it still sounds like a Blue b-side from 2001. They're 9/2 at the bookies to get to #1. I'd go evens they won't even reach the top ten.

Singles Out Tomorrow

You’d be forgiven for thinking you’re in some kind of timewarp looking at some of the new singles out this week. Tasmin Archer, The Bluetones, Papa Roach and Steve Brookstein of all people all attempt to climb out of obscurity by releasing new songs this week. Unfortunately, or probably fortunately in the case of the latter, two, I haven’t heard any of them.

But I have had the misfortune to listen to Janet Jackson’s truly dreadful “Call On Me.” (*) After the Superbowl incident and her very poor last two albums, Janet Jackson needed something pretty spectacular to reignite her career. And she must have thought she was onto a winner by bringing Jermaine Dupri on board, the man who masterminded Mariah Carey’s surprise return to form last year. But she wasn’t. Completely lacking any kind of tune, the vocals are almost inaudible due to Janet’s increasingly bizarre tendency to whisper rather than sing, and the inclusion of Nelly, a cynical attempt to gain more credibility and appeal to the chav audience, adds precisely nothing. The pointless big budget video also shows up the zero chemistry between the pair, and their attempt to bump and grind with each other provides one of the most excruciatingly embarrassing video moments of the year.

Keisha White’s been in the papers this week, slagging off the likes of Jamelia and Alesha, arguing that no-one will remember them in five years time. She should maybe take a look at her own music first. “I Choose Life,” (**) a pleasant enough but bland cover of a Celine Dion song, is hardly likely to stick in people’s memories for more than five minutes.

Single of the week comes from The Killers. “When You Were Young” (****) is a homage to Bruce Springsteen-style stadium rock that’s even more over-the-top than the Hot Fuss album. Not sure about Brandon Flowers’ facial hair though.

The Automatic’s “Recover” (***) is more of the same shouty chorus rock but is not different enough to shake off their novelty hit status after Monster. Bedouin Soundclash’s “When The Night Feels My Song” (*) is the re-released Bob Marley-lite tune off the T-Mobile ad which was highly annoying the first time round. Lola’s "No Strings" (***) is a record about sex which lyrically doesn’t believe in any clever metaphors, but while the Alicia Keys-attempt at a soulful ballad is hideous, the Europop remix is actually quite good in a Cher’s Believe kind of way.

The Zutons 60s saxophone-pop finally becomes a little irritating on “Oh Stacey” (**), Route 33 carry on where Deepest Blue left off with the rather good chillout dance of “Looking Back” (***) and Scott Matthews “Elusive” (*) is yet another solo male guitarist singer-songwriter bore-fest so dull that he makes Jose Gonzales sound like the Cheeky Girls.

Moviewatch

After the death of Steve Irwin two weeks ago, comes another tale of an animal lover whose thirst for danger ended in tragedy. "Grizzly Man" (****) follows the story of Timothy Treadwell, an ultimately sad and disturbed individual who was not only obsessed with studying grizzly bears in their natural habitat of Alaska, but also wanted to be one.

Treadwell spent months every year living in the wilderness amongst the bears, capturing footage and presenting his own nature show, the footage of which makes up the bulk of this powerful and compelling documentary. His arrogant belief that he was above the laws of nature eventually led to his death when he and his girlfriend were killed by one of the bears he so loved, the audio footage of which was recorded but is not heard in the film.

It would have been easy to paint the eccentric Treadwell as some delusional fruitcake, but director Wender Herzog has made a well-balanced film which enables the viewer to make up their own minds whether he was actually doing good or harm in his efforts to conserve the animals. The interviews with former colleagues and friends are moving, the actual footage of the bears captured by Treadwell is often breath-taking and there is one scene, involving a very disturbing coroner seemingly taking great pleasure in revealing the gruesome facts, which will stun you in disbelief.

"Hostel" (***) is a disturbing film for altogether different reasons. The second film from Eli Roth divided fans on its cinema release, some hailing it as the perfect antidote to the lame gore-free generic US teen-horror flicks (see House of Wax), while some labelled it as basically an excuse to mix soft-porn with gratuitous violence. I'm sort of in the middle. The first half IS nothing more than low-budget soft-porn and the hedonistic "dumb jock" nature of the three main characters actually make you long for them to die a slow painful death. But when the horror does start, it is occasionally terrifying.

The location itself, Slovakia, is truly unsettling and it's no surprise that the country's officials objected to its portrayal of murderous hookers, thieving street children and torture chambers. There are two particularly gruesome scenes, one involving the removal of toes, the other the removal of an eye, which even the most un-squeamish person will find it hard not to turn away from. And like the recent The Hills Have Eyes, the whole film does make you feel a little dirty having watched it. It may rip-off a thousand other 70s low budget horror films but it's good to see a horror movie which doesn't shy away from sickening audiences.

Finishing a trilogy of completely different but completely unsettling movies is "Right At Your Door" (**), a relentlessly depressing film which makes Requiem For A Dream look like Finding Nemo. Based on a "what would you do?" scenario, this low-budget disaster movie, centres around a married couple caught up in the middle of a chemical bomb attack in Los Angeles.

Definitely the most bizarre disaster movie I've seen in that you don't actually get to see the disaster, save from a few long distance shots of some smoke clouds. Instead the action takes place inside one house, which is sealed off by husband Brad and rather randomly, his next door neighbour's handyman, when news of deadly toxic fumes spreads. Unfortunately wife Lexi was driving to work when it happened and is already nearly foaming at the mouth when she manages to return to her now Fort Knox of a home. Should her loving husband Brad let her in the house and possibly contaminate the two unaffected people? Or should he lock her out of the house to die? That's the question.

What would have made a good hour TV docu-drama is stretched to within breaking point over nearly two hours. Barely anything happens and despite two rather good lead performances, you find yourself not really caring what happens by the end, which ultimately spoils what is a rather good twist and abrupt shocking ending.

Corporate and Comedy

It's not often that BBC2 has four must-see programmes in one night. It's rare for BBC2 to have one must-see programme in one night. But tonight's line up of Dragon's Den, Extras, That Mitchell and Webb Look and The US Apprentice must be the best line up of any channel this year.

The first few series of Dragon's Den somehow completely passed me by and I only stumbled upon this one by accident. But now, I think it's the best thing on TV.

Set up like a businessman's Pop Idol, the show revolves around wannabe-entrepreneurs pitching their products in an attempt to persuade five successful multi-millionaires, the "dragons", to invest in their business. And like Pop Idol, it's the utterly clueless people thar provide the most entertainment. So far this series we've had life-changing inventions such as a cucumber preserver, a mobile church bells service and some kind of felt-tip pen that didn't actually work. And they're the better ones.

The dragons themselves make Simon Cowell look like Fern Britton. Totally and utterly intimidating, it's not surprising that most people just fall apart when making their pitch. Two of them, Duncan and Theo, have to be the most obnoxious, patronising and grumpiest people on TV, but the other three, for the most part, are usually quite fair and offer constructive advice e.g. don't give up your day job, rather than just totally humiliating them.

The one major flaw is that the show is utterly predictable. The first pitch is always done by someone who is on the verge of tears they're that nervous, the pitch in the middle usually interests one of the dragons enough to make an offer but it's usually too high and they get turned down. And the final pitch is always the one that gets the deal. Changing the running order once in a while wouldn't hurt.

I'm probably one of the few people who never got The Office. Yes, I'm sure it was clever but I didn't find it funny at all. However, Extras is excellent. Ricky Gervais just about manages to reign in his usual air of smugness enough to actually make his character and his scene-stealing best friend Maggie likeable, the celebrity cameos work really well and aren't self-conscious enough to make you think the only reason they're doing it is to prove they're able to laugh at themselves. And most importantly, it's very very funny. The Les Dennis episode last series was the most hilarious and at the same time, downright tragic, show of last year.

I've no idea if That Mitchell and Webb Look is any good but the trailer looks good, it's got great reviews and if it's even just a tenth as good as Peep Show, probably the best comedy show this decade, then it'll be worth watching.

Bend It Like Timmy Mallett?

I'm not exactly a huge fan of shows where celebrities attempt to master a particular skill. Showjumping, ice-skating and ballroom dancing don't interest me in the slightest usually, and just because a few random D-listers are involved, that doesn't mean that's going to change.

There are two exceptions though. Channel 4's "The Games" and Sky One's "The Match" which returned for a third series last night. The Match excels where others fail in that the contestants aren't in it for the money, or to boost their profile. They're in it for the thrill of scoring a goal, making a last ditch-tackle or saving a penalty in front of 52,000 fans at St. James Park, the closest any of them will get to achieve their childhood ambition of playing in an F.A. Cup Final. And it's the determination to make this happen is what makes the show so appealing. And the look on their faces when they're told they're not going to.

Last night saw 70 wannabe footballers, with varying degrees of fame (how did the awful Mikey from Big Brother get this gig?), attempt to impress the very likeable Graham Taylor enough to warrant their selection to the next round. And even if you aren't a football fan, there was still a lot of fun to be had watching how so many former celebs have let themselves go, (Mark Bosnich in particular looks like he's started to eat the footballs, rather than play with them), how many fragile egos throw their dummies out when they're not picked, (Fame Academy's David Grant throwing the biggest tantrum last night), and witnessing bizarre sights such as Timmy Mallett, fully equipped with a Japanese bandana, nearly keeling over doing the Bleep Test. Not surprisingly, he didn't make it.

Singles Out Tomorrow

Despite myself, I can’t help but think Fergie’s debut single “London Bridge” (***) is actually not that bad, thanks to its Hollaback Girl style chorus which firmly lodges itself inside your brain. It may be a chav anthem in the making but considering the Black Eyed Peas are probably the most irritating musical act of recent times, it could have been a lot worse.

Single of the week, without a shadow of a doubt, is the superb comeback from Jamelia, “Something About You,” (****) which veers away from the R&B pop of her first two albums, and instead goes for the ubiqutuous Kelly Clarkson pop-rock sound while cleverly still sounding fresh. She definitely is one of the best pop stars we’ve got at the moment.

Elsewhere, in a poor week for singles, only the bizarre “We’re from Barcelona” (***) by I’m From Barcelona, is worthy of any attention. Sounding like a Swedish Polyphonic Spree, it could have come direct from some 80s cheesy musical but is ultimately uplifting and insanely catchy.

US R&B girl group Cherish’s debut single “Do It To It” (*) has no discernible tune whatsoever and only makes you long to have someone half as good as TLC or Destiny’s Child back. Lostprophets, the emo band it’s ok to like, return with their second single, "A Town Called Hypocrisy" (**), but after the pretty good “Rooftops”, this time, it’s a case of same old, same old. The kids TV-inspired video is a lot more fun.

Jill Scott’s superb vocals aren’t enough to save Lupe Fiasco’s lazily sampled “Daydream”, (**) Get Cape Wear Cape Fly's "The Chronicles Of A Bohemian Teenager" (*) is as pretentious as its title suggests and The Guillemots "Train To Brazil" (**) is a disappointing follow-up to the superb "Made Up Love Song #41."

And finally, I’ll be surprised if anyone can actually notice when Katie Melua’s “It’s Only Pain” (*) is actually playing. So utterly non-descript, this is background music of the worst kind. She is capable of coming up with some really charming if twee acoustic easy-listening sometimes but this is just rubbish.

Hollyoaks In Rather Good Shocker!

Yes, the whole thing was ridiculous. Sam went from being quite a sensitive, mid-mannered nice guy to a easily-influenced drug-rapist to a psychotic mass murderer within a matter of months. But, and I won't say this often, last night's Hollyoaks was really really good.

The standard of writing and acting is usually amateurish at best, but there were several good performances, some decent special effects which put Emmerdale's recent explosion to shame and a few fantastic scenes which managed to combine both tragedy and some rather dark comedy. The scene where Zoe phoned Joe, only to find the ringtone was coming from a body bag. The scene where Clare seemed to be desperately trying not to smile after seeing OB, who had video evidence of her quickie with Warren, carted off to the hospital.

The deaths of the twins, who'd improved a lot lately, were also genuinely quite upsetting and even though Joe and Olivia had been not much more than extras recently, I would have still preferred the likes of Jessica, the horrendous Rhys and Gilly, and the even more horrendous new Irish student to perish instead.

No doubt Hollyoaks will re-address the balance and go back to being consistently bad pretty soon. I'm sure we'll have months of Sonny Valentine, the worst soap character ever, moaning about his brother saving his mother's killer to look forward to. But for now, it deserves to be applauded and at the very least, it deserves a few soap awards next year.

This Week, I Have Been Mostly Watching.....

Having joined an online DVD rental service a few months ago, I end up watching quite a fair few movies a week, just to get the most out of my £13.99 a month. And while it does give you the chance to watch movies you missed out on at the cinema, a lot of them tend to be god-awful straight-to-video films that I would never usually even think about watching usually. American Pie: Band Camp and Single White Female 2 being the lowest of the low at the moment. This week’s selection was a pretty mixed bunch.

Jarhead (****) got absolutely slated when it came out in the cinema. But having watched it last night, I have no idea why. It’s probably the most enjoyable war film I’ve seen. Although I think I’ve probably only seen about three. Sure not much happens, but considering the film is about the boredom and tension of waiting for combat, that’s the whole point. Jake Gyllenhaal is excellent as the intense marine sniper Anthony Swofford, it’s beautifully shot and has a great soundtrack. If you expect it to be on the same headache-inducing level as Black Hawk Down, you’ll be disappointed. Otherwise, it’s an authentic and humorous look at an experience of the Gulf War you don’t often get to see.

Cry Wolf (***), a teen horror about a group of students who become terrified when a fictional tale of a serial killer they made up in an email, starts to become reality, is much cleverer than you would expect. Like Jarhead, it plays with the conventions of its genre, in that there’s very little gore, very few frightening scenes and very few on-screen deaths and unlike most other films of its kind these days, doesn’t play it for laughs. The constant twists and turns, a few which are maybe a little too convoluted, keep you guessing until the end and despite some dodgy acting, it’s an enjoyable addition to the teen horror flick.

Romantic comedies are not exactly my favourite type of film, but they can be watchable enough when they’re done well. Failure To Launch (*) is not. The plot is nonsensical, Matthew McConaughey plays the same charmless schmuck he plays in nearly every movie and Sarah Jessica Parker isn’t likeable enough to justify her character’s ridiculous career choice as a woman who somehow cons stay-at-home 30-something men into finally getting their own place. Even the excellent Kathy Bates can’t save it. Worst of all, it’s just downright dull. I switched it off with about half an hour remanining, so who knows, maybe I missed out on a huge cinematic masterpiece of a finale. I doubt it.

The Worst TV Show Ever Made?

File Princess Nikki under "How not to stretch a rather feeble concept into a six part series." Everyone involved in this programme, should feel as utterly ashamed as I do for watching it.

How Channel 4 bosses must have thought they were onto a winner when they signed Nikki, after her original mass worship exit. And how they must have cried after she ruined it all by going back in the BB house and proving what a wretched monstrosity she had become. The look on her face when Davina calls her name out and her subsequent mass-booing eviction was Reality TV justice at its best. You think E4 might have spared us all and pulled the show or put it on at the graveyard shift. But no, the show gets a comfy 10pm slot. Which means more airtime for Nikki, which sends out a great message to the younger BB audience. The more petulant, bitchy and rude you are, the more you are rewarded.

So we now get to see Nikki destroying a hotel's reputation right in front of the owner, Nikki pretending to throw up on a fisherman's boat, and Nikki refusing to work in a chip shop unless she gets some bottled water. Television at its best, I'm sure you'll agree. The only satisfying part of the show was when the rather scary chip shop owner said to her face what the whole nation is thinking. That she was "absolutely terrible", "arrogant" and "up her own arse." Brilliant. If it was up to me, I'd give the scary chip-shop owner her own show instead, where she could follow around wannabe Z-list BB losers like Mikey, Grace and Sezer and tell them exactly what she thinks of them.

Yawn!

So the Arctic Monkeys have won the Mercury Music Prize. How completely pointless. The Mercury Music Prize has never been about awarding the best album of the year, but serves more as a great promotional tool for largely unknown acts. Was '97 winner Roni Size's "New Forms" really the best album in a year that saw the release of such landmark albums as OK Computer, Fat of The Land and Spice. Likewise with ’98 winner Gomez' "Bring It On" which beat the likes of Urban Hyms, International Velvet and Life Thru A Lens. No, but they offered something different, something outside the mainstream that deserved to be heard by a wider audience.

So why give it to a band that’s already had two #1s, sold nearly a million copies already and have been hyped to within an inch of their life. Surely acts like The Guillemots, Hot Chip or Richard Hawley would have benefitted more. Look what the Prize did for Antony and the Johnsons and Badly Drawn Boy, (we’ll forget about Talvin Singh). I’m not saying big albums from big bands shouldn’t be nominated but this is the second time in three years that a million-selling album has won it. Who next? James Blunt? They might as well just leave this kind of thing to The Brits.

Thank God For Sky+

Tuesday nights are fast becoming the best TV night of the week, thanks to three ultimately different shows, which as usual, are all on at the same time.

3 Non-Blondes is probably one of my favourite comedy shows of all time so I had high hopes for Little Miss Jocelyn. And while it is wholly unoriginal, it’s not bad at all. Jocelyn Jee Esien is a great comic actress and the “no-one knows I’m black”, “US President” and “businesswoman throwing a tantrum” sketches are as good as anything on the much more acclaimed Catherine Tate show. Unfortunately it does suffer from French and Saunders syndrome, particularly with the marriage guidance characters, where the more unfunnier a sketch is, the longer it seems to go on. Another series of 3 Non-Blondes would have been better but it’s a decent substitute.

Sky One’s Big Ron Manager is an unintentionally hilarious programme about Ron "I signed Cyril Regis so I'm not a racist" Atkinson attempting to help the glamorous Peterborough United get promoted. Sort of like a Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares for football. Except that Peterborough aren't a nightmare. They were on the verge of a play off-place. And Atkinson's presence doesn't help them one iota. Indeed they end up losing nearly every match, missing it out on promotion and a much needed few million. Ultimately, you end up feeling sorry for all concerned. The actual manager, Steve Bleasdale, for being undermined by his chairman, the team who can see glory slipping away through every game, and Big Ron himself, who wanders around each episode like a lost soul, not quite knowing why he's there or what he's exactly supposed to do.

And then there's Lost, which I’m still persevering with despite it infuriating me nearly every episode. Why does no-one ask any questions? At all? Like when they keep on meeting “The Others”, why does no-one ask who they are, where have they come from, how long they have been there etc. And why do characters seem to keep being forgotten at the drop of a hat. Michael’s been missing half this series and yet no-one seems to mention him. I forgot he existed until he turned up at the end of last week’s episode.

I’ve managed to avoid any spoilers so far but I’ve been told by various people that something unexpected happens tonight. (Edit - I certainly wasn't expecting THAT!) Maybe Hurley will actually lose some weight then? Anyway, It’s still intriguing enough to watch but you do sometimes get the feeling that you are wasting an hour of your life watching this every week, and that when it finally ends, probably in about 2023, that it will all lamely turn out to be one big dream.

Singles Out Tomorrow

Next week's chart looks like it could be very interesting indeed with several big names releasing comeback singles. First up, Robbie Williams, who releases his most "Marmite" single yet, "Rudebox" (***). Yep, it's even more opinion-dividing than Rock DJ and a lot of people seem to think it's some ironic joke rather than a serious attempt at an 80s style hip-hop record. I'm not a huge Robbie fan but I admire the fact he's not afraid to try something different with each record. Which other male artist would be so bold as to release singles as diverse as "Rudebox", "Tripping" and "Radio" as lead singles from their last three albums? I like the Sly and Robbie sample. But hate the lame attempt at the comedy rap, and the embarrassing video which would have been far better without his "uncle dancing at a wedding" appearance.

Scissor Sisters on the other hand haven’t been so daring. “I Don’t Feel Like Dancing” (**) sticks rigidly to the "if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it formula". Its Leo Sayer/Nolans/Bee Gees pastiche is pleasant enough but does tend to grate after hearing it every five minutes, no matter what radio station you listen to. It’s already gone top five on download alone so expect it to give them their first ever #1 next week. But they’ll have to do better for album #3.

More disappointingly, however, is Kelis’ “Bossy” (*). Kaleidoscope remains one of my favourite R&B albums of all time. Fresh, inventive and a million miles away from the bling-bling R&B that surrounded it at the time, it was everything that this tuneless, formulaic dirge is not. Hope she gets back to the Neptunes fast.

Nelly Furtado shows her how to do it on the excellent “Promiscuous” (****), a return to form from Timbaland after the below-par “Sexyback”, which exemplifies how easy the transition from folk-pop to sassy R&B has been for her.

Elsewhere, Jealousy’s “Lucy” (***) seems to have been around for ages but it doesn’t detract from what is a pretty simple but catchy dance track, with a soulful vocal from Mani Hoffman, the man behind Superman Lovers. Lemar continues his downward spiral from promising urban talent to the kind of bland, karaoke style crooner that Radio 2 laps up. “It’s Not That Easy” (*) is a incredibly lazy and unininspiring song which is easily the most boring single of the week,if not the year.

Muse continue to surprise everyone, me included, by releasing a second superb pop single. “Starlight” (****) features yet more falsetto vocals, handclaps, and is completely over the top and all the better for it. And finally, sampling Phil Collins on a dance record would usually be a criminal offence but Supafly Inc’s “Movin Too Fast” (***) just about manages to get away with it.

The Bitch Is Back

So, the US Apprentice is back on our screens. And although it's not as good as the UK one, (there's no-one remotely like Ruth Badger for starters) there's still plenty of comic mileage to be had in the various Donald Trump wigs, staged business deals and unashamed self-promotion that runs through the show. It also has a genuinely great character in Carolyn, Trump's right-hand woman, who seems to do nothing but bitch, glare icily and agree with everything Trump says ad nauseam. Apparently, she was told "You're Fired" herself last week. I'm sure the show will suffer as a result.

The contestants, however, are truly abhorrent. Obnoxious, big headed, no sense of self-awareness, they're the kind of characters you really didn't think existed outside films like Wall Street. I suppose working with Trump is the perfect come-uppance for them really. They're also totally and utterly incompetent.

Just in the first two episodes, we've had someone have a nervous breakdown over the fact she had to work in a motel reception for just two days, someone spend nearly half their budget on replacing toilets in a restoration task, and a marketing executive whose brilliant idea to attract people to try a new Burger King burger was to stand outside the restaurant with some kind of cardboard box with a hole in the side, for people to try and chuck a ping-pong ball into.

They make people like the UK's Syed, Paul "bullshitter" Tulip and the woman, whose name I can't remember, who gave the pitch for kitten calendars, the most cringeworthy bit of TV I've seen all year, look like business geniuses. It's all very entertaining. Just wish it wasn't on at the ungodly time of 11.20pm.

Is It 1999 Again?

The last boyband to make any kind of impression in the charts, V, was two years ago, and they were good-looking, had a knowing sense of humour, and pop songs produced by man-who-can-do-no-wrong, Brian Higgins. And they still flopped.

Like it or not, the era of the traditional boyband looks to be well and truly over. So why on earth would anyone think the whole concept of the truly awful US5, a boyband who couldn't sound more late 90s even if they teamed up with Lou Bega, Ann Lee and Eiffel 65 for a cover of Livin La Vida Loca, is a good idea.

This German-based boyband is made up of two Aaron Carter lookalikes, a token ugly "alternative" one, a token "urban" one, and somehow a poor British guy, who I can only assume joined the group with the thought that it was extremely unlikely that a German boyband would try and crack the UK and that he would be spared the embarrassment of his family and friends knowing he's in the world's most ill-conceived and misjudged pop act since Clea, the Lidl version of Atomic Kitten.

Their awful new single, Maria, which has surprisingly been all over the music channels lately, is out in a few weeks time and it's going to be fascinating to see whether anyone, bar a few teenage girls whose idea of musical heaven is a transatlantic version of O-Town, will buy it.

The Zzzzz Factor

So what should my first post be about? Something which signifies my level of cultural appreciation right from the start. The Complete Violin Concertos of Mendelssohn? The latest Pedro Almodovar film? Maybe the new BBC4 series on Versailles?

No, of course, it's the third series of The X Factor. The show is only three weeks in and it's already looking stale, tired and formulaic. And the auditions are supposed to be the best bit.

The ever-increasing emotional blackmail sob stories e.g. I care for my sick mum, I lost my baby, my cousin's friend's godmother's fish had an allergic reaction to it's food and almost died blah blah blah, are very intrusive, manipulative and makes you feel like you're watching an all-singing Jeremy Kyle show rather than a talent contest.

And whereas on the first few pop reality shows, you genuinely believed the tone-deaf contestants really did think they had a chance of becoming a pop star, these days, like the freaks on Big Brother, everyone is too knowing. The attempts to be hilariously bad are so contrived and are obviously done just to get airtime or if they're very lucky, carve out a brief career as a novelty pop star a la Cheeky Girls or Chico.

The show has also been rendered utterly pointless by the failure to launch its two previous winners as anything but glorified karaoke singers.

Yeah, the second series of Pop Idol was a bit flat but at least the participants had someone to aspire to in the shape of Will Young. The first Pop Idol did create a genuine star who will probably still be around in ten years. And it also created a few B-listers (Darius and Gareth) as well. You genuinely did believe the aim of Pop Idol was to find a star.

Whereas the aim of The X Factor seems to be to release a cliched ballad about your struggle to the top at Christmas time and then cobble together an album full of uninspired covers and dreary love songs that even Westlife would turn down for being too formulaic just in time for Mother's Day, and then never be seen in the top ten again.

I mean, that's all Steve Brookstein was good for. But did they really have to screw Shayne Ward over in the same way. Yeah, the whole "UK Justin Timberlake" tag was laughable, but he had a good image, decent voice and the potential to be a pretty good popstar. But that's now gone all down the pan after his last Unchained Melody rip-off single missed the top ten. He's probably done enough to get a second album but you can hardly seeing him doing a Will Young, sticking up two fingers to Simon Cowell and making a self-written second album that hasn't fallen off the identikit ballad production line.

But my main gripe with the show are the judges. Simon Cowell is great at scathing put downs but he doesn't seem to know his arse from his elbow when it comes to music. This is the guy who turned down Take That and Busted, the biggest boybands of their respective decades. This is the guy who thought Girl Thing were going to be bigger than the Spice Girls. And perhaps most unbelievably he was the the only non-teenage girl in the country, who actually thought Gareth Gates was better than Will Young. How has he got this reputation as a genius musical mogul? Anyone who gets turned down by him should feel flattered!

But at least Cowell is watchable. Louis Walsh, on the other hand, is the devil incarnate. I don't think I've ever despised someone who I've never met so much before. I'm almost tempted to set up an "I Hate Louis Walsh" website to rival last Saturday's poor deluded girl's online shrine to him. And I'm sure it would end up with more than 45 members. I could write a whole blog about how much I hate him and his weasly eyes, his jaw-dropping "but he's blind" comment in the first series, his decision to keep The Conway Sisters over Maria last series etc etc. But I won't. One word sums up why he's so detestable. Westlife.

Sharon Osbourne is cringingly embarassing in the live shows but rather sweet and motherly in the audition shows and is a welcome antidote to the snide and contrived nastiness that comes from either side of her. But like Cowell, she seems lost when it comes to anything musical post-1975. Anytime anyone sings a song from the last ten years, and we're not talking some obscure Aphex Twin song here, but the usual suspects, Britney, Anastacia, Robbie etc. it's the same old "I'm not really familiar with that song." What are you doing judging a pop star contest in 2006 then?

The three judges are always saying they're looking for the next Kylie, Robbie or Spice Girls but the truth is they wouldn't have a clue what to do with them even if they found them.

In saying all this, I'll be religiously watching it every Saturday in the vain hope that the winner might be able to break the mould and actually have some kind of backbone when it comes to their music. But to be honest I think next year's Mother's Day weekend chart No.1 spot has already been filled.