The Zzzzz Factor

So what should my first post be about? Something which signifies my level of cultural appreciation right from the start. The Complete Violin Concertos of Mendelssohn? The latest Pedro Almodovar film? Maybe the new BBC4 series on Versailles?

No, of course, it's the third series of The X Factor. The show is only three weeks in and it's already looking stale, tired and formulaic. And the auditions are supposed to be the best bit.

The ever-increasing emotional blackmail sob stories e.g. I care for my sick mum, I lost my baby, my cousin's friend's godmother's fish had an allergic reaction to it's food and almost died blah blah blah, are very intrusive, manipulative and makes you feel like you're watching an all-singing Jeremy Kyle show rather than a talent contest.

And whereas on the first few pop reality shows, you genuinely believed the tone-deaf contestants really did think they had a chance of becoming a pop star, these days, like the freaks on Big Brother, everyone is too knowing. The attempts to be hilariously bad are so contrived and are obviously done just to get airtime or if they're very lucky, carve out a brief career as a novelty pop star a la Cheeky Girls or Chico.

The show has also been rendered utterly pointless by the failure to launch its two previous winners as anything but glorified karaoke singers.

Yeah, the second series of Pop Idol was a bit flat but at least the participants had someone to aspire to in the shape of Will Young. The first Pop Idol did create a genuine star who will probably still be around in ten years. And it also created a few B-listers (Darius and Gareth) as well. You genuinely did believe the aim of Pop Idol was to find a star.

Whereas the aim of The X Factor seems to be to release a cliched ballad about your struggle to the top at Christmas time and then cobble together an album full of uninspired covers and dreary love songs that even Westlife would turn down for being too formulaic just in time for Mother's Day, and then never be seen in the top ten again.

I mean, that's all Steve Brookstein was good for. But did they really have to screw Shayne Ward over in the same way. Yeah, the whole "UK Justin Timberlake" tag was laughable, but he had a good image, decent voice and the potential to be a pretty good popstar. But that's now gone all down the pan after his last Unchained Melody rip-off single missed the top ten. He's probably done enough to get a second album but you can hardly seeing him doing a Will Young, sticking up two fingers to Simon Cowell and making a self-written second album that hasn't fallen off the identikit ballad production line.

But my main gripe with the show are the judges. Simon Cowell is great at scathing put downs but he doesn't seem to know his arse from his elbow when it comes to music. This is the guy who turned down Take That and Busted, the biggest boybands of their respective decades. This is the guy who thought Girl Thing were going to be bigger than the Spice Girls. And perhaps most unbelievably he was the the only non-teenage girl in the country, who actually thought Gareth Gates was better than Will Young. How has he got this reputation as a genius musical mogul? Anyone who gets turned down by him should feel flattered!

But at least Cowell is watchable. Louis Walsh, on the other hand, is the devil incarnate. I don't think I've ever despised someone who I've never met so much before. I'm almost tempted to set up an "I Hate Louis Walsh" website to rival last Saturday's poor deluded girl's online shrine to him. And I'm sure it would end up with more than 45 members. I could write a whole blog about how much I hate him and his weasly eyes, his jaw-dropping "but he's blind" comment in the first series, his decision to keep The Conway Sisters over Maria last series etc etc. But I won't. One word sums up why he's so detestable. Westlife.

Sharon Osbourne is cringingly embarassing in the live shows but rather sweet and motherly in the audition shows and is a welcome antidote to the snide and contrived nastiness that comes from either side of her. But like Cowell, she seems lost when it comes to anything musical post-1975. Anytime anyone sings a song from the last ten years, and we're not talking some obscure Aphex Twin song here, but the usual suspects, Britney, Anastacia, Robbie etc. it's the same old "I'm not really familiar with that song." What are you doing judging a pop star contest in 2006 then?

The three judges are always saying they're looking for the next Kylie, Robbie or Spice Girls but the truth is they wouldn't have a clue what to do with them even if they found them.

In saying all this, I'll be religiously watching it every Saturday in the vain hope that the winner might be able to break the mould and actually have some kind of backbone when it comes to their music. But to be honest I think next year's Mother's Day weekend chart No.1 spot has already been filled.