Static and Silent

Much Much Better

2007-01-17T17:28:00.000Z

After last year’s fiasco where Sugababes and Girls Aloud were overlooked in favour of James Blunt, Katie Melua and Westlife for the Best Pop Category, U2 were nominated for the same album the 2nd year in a row and Paul Weller received an Outstanding Contribution to British Music, I wasn’t exactly overly-optimistic about this year’s Brit Awards nominations.

But surprisingly, glaring omissions and ridiculous nominations are few and far between. And the redundant Best Pop, Urban and Rock categories have also thankfully fallen by the wayside. Just a shame that Russell “hilarious on BBBM but humourless on anything else” Brand will be presenting it. Below are my predictions with who I think will win in bold. The international categories to come tomorrow.

Best British Male Solo Artist
James Morrison
Jarvis Cocker
Lemar
Paolo Nutini
Thom Yorke

So Robbie Williams gets award after award for releasing MOR drivel like Sing When You’re Winning and Escapology but gets completely ignored when he produces the most inventive, if albeit, inconsistent album of his career. Also surprised to see The Streets miss out as well. Especially when you see that Lemar, and two James Blunt knock-offs have made it. It’d be great to see either Thom Yorke, who did the rare thing of making a solo album actually different to his group’s output, or Jarvis Cocker, nominated for the first time since 1996, win it but I’m afraid it will surely go to James Morrison.

Best British Female Artist
Amy Winehouse
Corinne Bailey Rae
Jamelia
Lily Allen
Nerina Pallot

A much stronger category than the males, Winehouse, Bailey Rae or Allen would usually walk this in any other year but it’s been such a strong year for British females with all three having either #1 singles or albums. Winehouse’s current #1 album couldn’t be better timed and Back in Black will probably stand the test of time more than Alright Still but considering Allen’s received three other nominations, I think it’ll be her night. Great to see Nerina Pallot receive a nomination, if a token one, too.

Best British Album
Amy Winehouse - Back to Black
Arctic Monkeys - Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not
Lily Allen - Alright Still
Muse - Black Holes & Revelations
Snow Patrol - Eyes Open

Winehouse and Allen can be written off already as for some reason females never win this thing. The Monkeys are a strange one. Their album was released before last year’s Brits but too late to be nominated. So this nomination is for an album which feels like it was released light years ago. But can The Brits ignore their colossal achievement? I think they might. This award usually goes to the biggest seller, see Travis, Coldplay, Keane and I think Snow Patrol will end up with their first ever Brit.

Best British Band
Arctic Monkeys
Kasabian
Muse
Razorlight
Snow Patrol

You would think that the winner of the Best British Album would automatically get the Best British Group but the last two years, Coldplay and Kaiser Chiefs, and Keane and Franz Ferdinand have had to share the spoils. And I think it’ll happen again this year. I’d love Muse to get it and I do think they have an outside chance but I just can’t see them not rewarding the Arctic Monkeys at least once.

Best British Breakthrough Act
Corinne Bailey Rae
The Fratellis
James Morrison
The Kooks
Lily Allen

The Fratellis. Ugh. The worst nomination by far in the whole list. And I think they’ve got a decent chance of winning too. Considering it’s voted for by Radio 1 listeners, I don’t think the solo artists have the kind of fanbases to bother to vote. Which is why I think The Kooks, who I actually thought would have been up for Best Band and Album will win the only award they’re nominated for.

Best British Live Act
George Michael
Guillemots
Kasabian
Muse
Robbie Williams

A very strange award. You can listen to every album that’s been released last year, but you can’t go and see every act who tours. And how can you compare the old-skool "rock n roll" of a Kasabian show to the over-produced theatre of a Robbie Williams one. Anyway, I'm surprised to see George Michael nominated as from the clips I’ve seen, his live show looked completely soulless. Muse will surely deservedly walk this one for the second time in three years.

This Week's Singles

2007-01-14T13:07:00.000Z

Quality not quantity seems to be the theme of this week's new singles with a rather small selection to choose from but several key releases from acts tipped to be big in 2007.

First up though, is one of last year's mild success stories, The Ordinary Boys. Preston may have had a sense of humour bypass (seriously, who goes on Never Mind The Buzzcocks and doesn't expect to have the piss taken out of them) but the slightly corny "I Luv You" (***) is rather charming although it's unlikely to reverse the fortunes of its almost Victoria Beckham-like parent album chart run.

JoJo returns after a three year absence with "Too Little Too Late" (***) a track which follows exactly the same R&B verses, guitar pop chorus formula as her first single but is still far preferable and less pretentious than any of her contemporaries have managed lately. Looks like it could be #1 next week.

Her main challenger will be "Starz in Their Eyes" (****) by Just Jack, which may be another rather patronising tirade against reality pop shows but whose Streets goes pop sound could be one of the most intriguing this year and is indeed the Single of the Week.

Much less palatable is the similar Jamie T, a self-proclaimed street poet whose bizarre accent renders "Calm Down Dearest" (**) almost unlistenable.

The Good, The Bad and The Queen seems like Damon Albarn's 56th side project but on the evidence of "Kingdom of Doom" (*) is as aimless and pointless as Gorillaz are inventive and innovative.

Last and definitely least is The View, who look like they're going to be this year's The Kooks. Which is not a good thing. "Same Jeans" (*) is yet more ramshackle student indie with not an original thing about it.

Is This The Best You Can Do?

2007-01-04T20:37:00.000Z

Just when you thought no show could ever beat last year's Love Island for the most Z-list casting of a reality show, along comes Celebrity Big Brother 2007, with 11 rather depressing and mostly unknown dregs of celebrity society.

Has anyone ever heard of Danielle Lloyd? Donny Tourette? Shilpa Shetty? Is this really the best BB can do. Even someone who was once an extra on Eldorado has more entitlement to be called a celebrity.

Anyway from the launch night show, Jo O'Meara seems quite nice, and honest too. She definitely should have slapped the increasingly awful Davina McCall for cynically asking her whether she would release a record after BB. Why shouldn't she? Does Davina really think anyone else is n there for anything other than money, fame or career resurrection?

I know this is a horrible thing to say but I wouldn't be surprised if we had our first Big Brother death with Ken Russell in the house. Surely putting someone in who looks like he's going to keel over even before he enters the house is a bad and irresponsible move.

I'm undecided about H. Sometimes, I admire his constant enthusiasm for everything but most of the time I find it just plain irritating. And his "coming out" to The Sun was the most unnecessary confession of all time. Talking of enthusiasm, Leo Sayer has it in abundance - in fact you wouldn't be surprised if he turned out to be H's dad.

Carole Malone really is the most spiteful woman on the planet and I'm quite looking forward to her getting a taste of her own medicine over these next few weeks. Unfortunately, she came across as quite nice last night, but I'm 100% sure that was just put on.

People called Preston and Maggot for being unknown but at least they'd had hit records. Which is more than can be said for Donny from Towers of London. I'd like to think he's some kind of ironic Dennis Pennis-style character who's really a sweet mummy's boy underneath but I'm not sure he's that clever. But surely no-one can be that much of a cliche?

I can see Dirk Benedict having the same kind of ironic cult status as David Hasselhoff has had recently, and if I was a betting man, would probably put some money on him to win.

Elsewhere, Danielle Lloyd already out-dumbs Jade Goody for not knowing who Winston Churchill is, Shilpa is beautiful but looks like she could be a bit of a diva, Clea Rocos seems like fun, and I'd be very surprised if Jermaine Jackson doesn't quit within a week.

Not Exactly Worth The Wait

2007-01-03T14:13:00.000Z

How disappointing was last night's This Life special? The original two series were unmissable ground-breaking TV at its best but the ten year reunion lacked any of its humour, realism or originality.

Why did they have to introduce the whole documentary element to it? Couldn't they have just had the reunion in normal circumstances. It was a plot device which was far-fetched, (why would anyone be interested in watching a bunch of smug 30-somethings meet up?) stretched any credibility (would every single person really be completely comfortable in revealing their innermost thoughts to a camera?) and created a rather pretentious, "too knowing" atmosphere to the whole thing.

The characters, with the exception of Milly, had all become so hateful as well. Miles and Egg always had arsehole tendencies, but they were quite likeable arseholes. Now, they're just arseholes. Warren was a walking gay cliche and Anna came across as pitiful and bitter rather than the ballsy "don't give a shit" character she was previously.

There were a few redeeming qualities - the mid 90s soundtrack was excellent -the scene where they were all dancing around to the Manics' "A Design For Life" was actually quite poignant, Milly and Egg's relationship was as real as ever, and I liked the fact it didn't really have a proper ending.

But ultimately, it left you a bit cold. They would have definitely been better off leaving it at Milly punching Rachel all those years ago.

Top 40 Greatest TV Moments of 2006 #10-1

2006-12-28T13:00:00.000Z

01)The Guy Goma Interview

So what is it that makes the #1 on my list. An Emmy award winning drama? A moment of genius from the World Cup? Nah, it's a moment of televisual genius that will embarrass the BBC for years that isn't even long enough to be a moment really. It is of course the moment when Guy Goma, who went for a job interview at the BBC, ended up being mistaken for a spokesperson on downloading.

Now if this had happened to anyone else, I'm sure it would have been quite amusing but would have probably been forgotten about after a couple of showings on Auntie's Bloomers. But it's his multitude of hilarious facial expressions when the presenter is announcing her intended guest that makes it one of the best all-time TV cock-ups.

Almost as funny is when the man on the outside broadcast actually refers back to something Goma said, as if everything he said made absolute sense. Somehow, he didn't get the job he actually went for. If it was up to me, I'd have given him his own show.

02) The UK Apprentice
Just as good, if not better than the first series, the UK Apprentice was just unmissable TV from start to finish.

Ruth Badger, who was robbed in the final, was the star of the show, but other characters such as manic Jo, unbelievably pompous Paul (who didn’t cheer when he was ripped to shreds in his interview?) and Syed, the male equivalent of last year’s Saira, provided just as much entertainment.

Highlights included Matt Lucas’ cousin ordering an entire chicken for each pizza in a restaurant task, one team making a rather pornographic advert for a credit card and the most cringeworthy piece of TV all year, Nargiss’ woefully inept pitch for her group’s kitten calendar.

03) Celebrity Big Brother
While not as good as last year’s inspired casting of John McRirick, Jackie “yeah Brackie” Stallone and Germaine Greer, this year’s lot were just as Z-list, controversial and diverse as ever.

Of course, the star of the show was Chantelle, a girl who’s been lumped in with the Jade Goodys and Nikki Grahames of this world, but was far more likeable, grounded and intelligent – she held her own against George Galloway on several occasions and seemed genuinely humbled to have won.

Like this year's normal BB, the celebrity version also had an undercurrent of nastiness, the bullying of Jodie Marsh, Pete Burns vile attack on Tracy Bingham and basically just the presence of Michael Barrymore but on the whole was far more entertaining and less contrived. Let's hope the next one, starting in a few days, will be just as good.

04) Malcolm In The Middle
And so the most under-rated sitcom of this decade came to an end. Like a human version of the Simpsons, at its best MITM was the most inventive, chaotic and laugh-out-loud comedy on TV. Yet moved around the BBC2 schedules, it’s never caught on as much as it should have done in the UK.

The last couple of series have been patchy, with its increasing surrealism not really working. But the tenth and final series just about got it together to give it a proper send-off. The final episode tied up all the loose ends - Malcolm going to uni, Reese leaving home, Hal & Lois having another baby, without resorting to going over the top. Lois, who remains one of the best comedy characters of all time, will be sorely missed.

05) Desperate Housewives
It wasn't as compelling as the first series, and the whole Applewhites storyline didn't really work at all, but it was still pretty unmissable TV thanks mainly to Bree, the undisputed star of the show whose struggle with alcohol, coping with her husband's death and relationships with her husband's killer, her sex addict confidant and her devil incarnate son were brilliantly written and performed. Let's hope we have more of the same next series and less of the increasingly irritating Susan.

06) The final The Royle Family
I've only ever cried at two programmes/films, the Eastenders episode where Ethel died and more embarrassingly, Macauley Culkin's rather traumatic bee-sting death in My Girl (I was only ten at the time.) But the excellent Royle Family one-off special almost made it three.It may have been obvious from the first five minutes that Nana would end up carking it but the superb performances and poignant script meant it didn't make it any less upsetting when it finally happened.

The scenes where Nana told Barbara she was glad she wasn't in a home, where Barbara thought she had died in her bed, and where all her family kissed Nana goodbye in hospital were both beautifully written and heartbreaking at the same time. Both Liz Smith and Sue Johnston deserve BAFTA nominations next year.

It felt like more of a drama than a comedy but there were still flashes of the usual brilliant Royle Family humour, Jim ranting about "gays on television", Cheryl's hilarious lonely hearts dates, Denise wanting to palm off her son to watch Jeremy Kyle episodes she'd Sky +d. Overall, it showed Only Fools & Horses how to do a comeback special and was a fitting finale to what is one of the most innovative, funny and well-written sitcoms of the last ten years.

07) Sinchronicity
BBC3 only ever seems to serve as an outlet for endless repeats of Two Pints of Lager & A Packet of Crisps. That was until Sinchronicity, a sort of adult version of As If, featuring two of its stars, Jemima Rooper and Paul Chequer which came onto our screens in August.

Using Sliding Doors-style different scenarios, flashbacks and characters addressing the camera Alfie-Style, it told the story of best friends Nathan, Jase and Fi, involved in a complicated love triangle which became a square when Jase started a gay affair with doctor Mani.

Featuring an excellent soundtrack, convincing performances and characters who you actually cared about, why this was tucked away on digital I don’t know, but like last year’s equally as brilliant Conviction, it shows that BBC3 can make quality, innovative programmes when they want to.

08)The Box Sign Language Videos
Music channels aren’t exactly renowned for their innovative ideas but The Box made the genius decision to start signing videos late at night for the benefit of deaf people and the even more genius decision to hire middle aged women to do it.

It may be considered un-PC to find this funny but I'm not laughing AT the middle aged women trying desperately to sign in time to the likes of Usher's "Yeah" or Sean Paul's "We Be Burnin," I'm laughing WITH them. The expressions on their faces as they really throw themselves into it really is a joy to watch.

09) Big Brother
It’s strange to put a show that I watched religiously for three months only at #9 but I had to ask myself did I actually enjoy it, and the answer was for the most part, no.

This year’s Big Brother was the most unpleasant, vindinctive and contrived reality show in the genre’s history. Grace has to be the most unlikeable contestant ever, Sezer was sleaze personified, Spiral was even sleazier, Mikey was misogynistic and Glyn, the “loveable” moron has to be the most moronic person I’ve ever seen. Not knowing how to make a sandwich at 18 isn’t adorable or naïve, it’s mind-numbingly stupid. The show completely jumped the shark as well by allowing the public to vote the monstrous Nikki back in to win.

And Pete would have been a worthy winner up until the last week, when his inoffensive nice guy act crumbled around him as he cynically ployed for votes by getting so offended by Aisleyne’s mock speech, the dead best friend vision and then of course, that see-through relationship with Nikki. He’s become easily the most repulsive winner of BB yet.

So what did I like about it? Well Aisleyne stole the show for me. Maybe it was because the others were so abhorrent, but she stood out as the sole voice of reason in the nuthouse, was the only person to stick up properly for Suzie when Grace chucked water over her and provided some of the best facial expressions on final night when it was revealed Nikki, Jennie and Richard were going before her.

Suzie, who most wrongly thought was the most boring person in there, was so out-of-place she was actually one of the more entertaining. She may have been a contradiction – a tea,drinking, easily offended fame-hungry stripper but her "let’s make a cup of tea" reaction to everything conjured up images of a real-life Mrs Doyle and her treatment by Davina McCall in her final interview was shockingly unfair.

And there were many other fantastic moments, both Pete and Imogen’s songs, Imogen’s radio Hot Topics jingle, the look on Sezer’s face when he found out he was evicted, Nikki’s original diary-room rants before she got evicted and voted in again etc.

Like The X Factor, it's one of those shows that infuriates you as much as entertains you. Let's hope next year, they can stop the lame twists every five seconds, put some vaguely normal people in there and stop the blatant bias towards/against contestants. I doubt they will somehow.

10) Totally Boyband
MTV UK might be a load of Yank-centric rubbish most of the time (does anyone outside the US know who Master P is? So why do we need to see his "Cribs" about ten times every week?) but it really does excel when it comes to commissioning their own reality shows. After the excellent car-crash series that was Totally Scott-Lee comes the follow up, Totally Boyband.

The concept was simple. To follow around a newly-created boyband supergroup made up of five singers who combined have "apparently" sold 80 million records worldwide. But you wouldn't be able to laugh at the show if it were former pop stars who actually had talent, Gary Barlow, Tony Mortimer etc. So instead we got a group made up mostly of people who never actually sang on their records, Lee Latchford Evans, Danny Wood, Jimmy Constable.

Unfortunately despite their lowly status, most of them had rather large egos to say the least and despite Dane Bowers being the only vocally gifted member, in a huge lack of self-awareness, they decided to sack Lee for being talentless. Which made their dismal chart position (No.35) even more satisfying. Star of the show, like last year, was Concept Records' Roseann McBride, the bluntest woman on earth, whose effing, blinding and brutal honesty made the show even funnier.

Top 40 Greatest TV Moments #20-11

2006-12-23T10:36:00.000Z

11) The X Factor

This was going to be much further down the list up until last Saturday's finale in the auditionees rendition of Earth Song where Lorraine missed her cue completely, providing one of the funniest moments of the year.

If only the rest of the series had been as entertaining. The thing is, for the first time since Will Young, I actually found someone, in fact two acts, worth rooting for in Leona, by far and away the best talent show contestant the UK has ever had and Eton Road, a boyband who understood the whole concept of pop music perfectly.

But the rest of it was so utterly contrived, mundane or both, it unfortunately cancelled the good points out. The sob-stories were exploitative in the extreme, the songs were the same songs we've heard the past three series (does anyone need to hear Somewhere Over The Rainbow or I Don't Want To Miss A Thing ever again?) and in the likes of Ray, the McDonald Brothers and Nikita, we had the most mediocre and unexciting set of contestants ever.

Thank God that sense prevailed and that Leona won, making watching the whole sorry mess worthwhile. Surely even Simon Cowell won't give her Westlife rejects for her album.

12) Lost
You tend to forget that we’ve actually gone through three series of Lost this year, what with the tail end of S1 at the beginning of the year, S2 in the Summer and then the opening six episodes on Sky One just recently. And yet we’re still no closer to finding out what the hell is going on. Surely the producers should have given us something by now? Anyway, despite it being utterly infuriating at times (why does no-one ever ask any questions?) when it’s good, it’s really good, and Michael shooting and killing Ana-Lucia and Libby was the most shocking and unexpected TV moment of the year.

13) Lee Otway’s Strop on Love Island
Don't get me wrong. This year's Love Island really did scrape the bottom of the barrel like it has never done before. You know you're in trouble when Bombhead from Hollyoaks is the most recognisable face in there. The likes of Chris Brosnan, Calum Best and Bianca Gascoigne proved you don't even need to be a Z-list celeb to be on a reality show, as long as you're related to someone famous, that's fine. I'm sure next year we'll see Claudia Winkelman's brother's dry cleaner in there.

Anyway, the show, not surprisingly, bombed but at times it was embarrassingly entertaining, mainly thanks to Sophie Anderton's daily breakdowns and the utter stupidity of Lady Victoria Hervey, who didn't know where America was on a map, even though she lived there. Best of all was Lee Otway's hilariously cringeworthy reaction to being rejected by an ex Playboy model, stomping his way around the diary room, breaking camera equipment and curling up his bottom lip in an almighty two-year-old style tantrum. He made Paul Danan look balanced.

14) The Keith Chegwin Extras episode

On the whole, the second series of Extras was a disappointment, relying on repetitive storylines (Maggie puts her foot in it…again) “have them for the sake of it” cameos and ludicrously unbelievable plots (a critically mauled sitcom star becomes as famous as The Pope). But the first episode promised so much, whether it was the Lenny Henry gag, Orlando Bloom’s vendetta against Johny Depp or Maggie being humiliated by a former extra. But the star of the show and the series was Keith Chegwin’s whose foul-mouthed racist send-up was on a par with last year’s Les Dennis nervous breakdown and showed you don’t need big stars for the cameos to work. If only the rest of the series hadn’t smugly disappeared up its own arse.

15) Chef’s Death in South Park
How to get your own back Trey Parker and Matt Stone style. When Isaac Hayes hypocritically announced he was quitting voicing Chef due to the show mocking his Scientology religion (when he’d been happy to appear in a show that had mocked every other religion, race and minority there is) the show’s creators got their revenge by giving Chef’s character probably the least graceful exit ever, turning him into a paedophile and giving him the most violent and undignified death imaginable. The most shockingly funny bit of TV this year.

16) Popworld
Forget Top Of The Pops or CDUK, the biggest loss to pop music TV came in April when the brilliantly subversive Popworld came to an end. OK, so Miquita Oliver often came across as pretentious and was nothing more than a spare part, but that doesn't matter when you've got Simon "hell-bent on showing up popstars" Amstell.

His finest moment will always remain attempting to chat up homophobic reggae star Beenie Man but each week you’d be guaranteed at least one popstar who just didn't get the joke. The final show avoided all the usual compilation cliches, and instead provided us with a finale where Simon and Miquita discovered that God was actually Daniel Bedingfield. The show continued with different presenters, Alexa Chung and Alex Zane, but no matter how hard they try, and they are getting better, it’s never going to be the same.

17) Dragon's Den

The first few series of Dragon's Den somehow completely passed me by and I only stumbled upon this one by accident. Set up like a businessman's Pop Idol, the show revolves around wannabe-entrepreneurs pitching their products in an attempt to persuade five successful multi-millionaires, the "dragons", to invest in their business. And like Pop Idol, it's the utterly clueless people thar provide the most entertainment.

The dragons themselves make Simon Cowell look like Fern Britton. Totally and utterly intimidating, it's not surprising that most people just fall apart when making their pitch. Two of them, Duncan and Theo, have to be the most obnoxious, patronising and grumpiest people on TV, but the other three, for the most part, are usually quite fair and offer constructive advice e.g. don't give up your day job, rather than just totally humiliating them. Along with The Apprentice, this showed that business programmes can be fun too.

18) Hotel Inspector
Another show which copied Gordon Ramsey’s Kitchen Nightmares formula, hotelier Ruth Watson tries to help ailing hotels boost their business usually by obvious things (nicer rooms, nicer food, better organisation etc.) The show is watchable but nothing outstanding. The reason why it’s so high up is due to two particular episodes, the first which centred around The Saxonia Hotel in Weston-Super-Mare run by a middle-aged couple, so bizarre they could have come from The League Of Gentlemen, who said in all seriousness that they would kill themselves if they weren’t awarded an extra star in their next inspection. The second and most disturbing was the Sparkles Hotel in Blackpool, a scary children's themed hotel which charges £500 for the privilege of sleeping in a room covered with Barbie dolls and frightening looking mannequins.

19) I'm A Celebrity...Get Me Out Of Here
This year’s I’m A Celebrity was one of the most tedious so far thanks to its most Z-list cast, the stupid idea to break up the camp into males/females and the fact that most of them got on so well, the only thing the show seemed to consist of was them telling us how hungry they were. Of course there were a few moments of TV Gold: Lauren Booth’s Beenie Man moves, Phina and Scott’s bitch fight in the Treasure Chest, and of course the enigma that was David Gest whose tales of genitalia-named cleaners and one legged parents had everyone in fits of laughter and goes to show the media can completely twist someone’s persona. But of course, this year will always be remembered for one thing- Dean Gaffney’s near mental breakdown on his bush tuckertrial. Looking as though he’d literally been taken in against his will, he shrieked and yelped his way through every single part, and didn’t seem to have a clue where he was. The look on Ant and Dec’s faces said everything.

20) Porno, Preachers and Peddlers
A show which probably only one man and his dog saw, this was still the best documentary I saw all year and is surprisingly one of two BBC3 shows in the Top 20.

The programme followed the progress of three new cable channels in its opening months, I-Buy TV, a shopping channel in which its main host believed he could persuade someone to buy something by just staring into their eyes, Television X, an adult channel which had so few viewers for its text show, had to rely on the directors to message in themselves and most amusing of all, Revelations TV, a British Christian channel run by just one family, which made Live TV look like the pinnacle of British Broadcasting. Everything that could go wrong went wrong. Viewers were asked to pray when their phone system went down during a phone-in for suicidal people, an explicit sex education video was accidentally shown in the middle of the afternoon. You couldn't make it up. This was a hilarious and eye-opening look behind the scenes at just a few of the seemingly never-ending amount of cheap, rubbish channels that are swarming satellite TV.

Top 40 Greatest TV Moments of 2006 #30-21

2006-12-20T11:06:00.000Z

21) Screen Wipe
Charlie Brooker is without a doubt, the most truthful TV critic there is. His Screen Wipe book is offensively hilarious and his TV show, buried away on BBC4, is just as colourful. There are so many moments on Youtube that I could have chosen to illustrate this, but this introduction to British TV to a group of Americans sums up how his observations can be both funny and rather depressing at the same time.

22) Silvia Night's Eurovision tantrum
Eurovision was OK this year - a different winner, a half-decent UK entry and Terry Wogan on top form as usual. However, it's someone who didn't even make the final that makes this list. Silvia Night, who makes Bjork look like Dido, didn’t make the final, getting eliminated in the rather new idea of a semi-final. Not exactly the most gracious loser, she then decided to exact her revenge by slagging off the other contestants, calling an innocent journalist a slut for no reason at all and telling the press she will sue them and they will all go to jail. This was the funniest showbiz strop of the year. I don’t know anything about her but I’m assuming she’s some elaborate joke which some people aren’t quite in on.

23) 7 Stupidest Things To Escape From

I usually find the kind of shows where people deliberately inflict pain on themselves (Jackass, Dirty Sanchez) the most utterly moronic and unfunny shows on TV. The difference here was that escaplogist Jonathan Goodwin actually gives himself a chance to prevent injury, by setting himself timed tasks which he must complete in order to avoid both pain and embarrassment.

Unfortunately Goodwin isn't the world's most prolific escapologist and so more often than not, ends up nearly having his nipples ripped off, being burned by an iron or worst of all, being seen naked and in full bondage gear in front of his immediate family. It’s still moronic but it’s done with a sense of humour, a nod to Harry Houdini and Goodwin comes across as a very likeable if someone who’s a glutton for punishment.

24) Numberwang
That Mitchell & Webb Look was inconsistent as a series, far too clever for its own good and many sketches forgot to add anything resembling humour. But it could also be hilarious at times, none more so than the piss-take of daytime quiz shows, the nonsensical Numberwang. Adam & Joe did it better on Quizzlesticks but this was still silly parody at its best.

25) US Apprentice
Not as enjoyable as the UK one but still ridiculously over-the-top entertainment, mainly due to seeing how many times the preposterous Donald Trump can shamelessly self-plug in one episode.

The contestants, were on the whole, pretty hateful people. Arrogant, cocky, no sense of self-awareness, they made the UK’s Syed look like a shy, retiring wallflower. It was hard to care who actually won they were all so unlikeable but it was fun watching them bitch and backstab their way to the top. In the end , Kendra, the most deserving contestant ended up the winner, beating the slightly neurotic Tana in the series’ first all women final.

26) The Hollyoaks Fire
Maybe I’m too old to still be watching this but I’ve actually found Hollyoaks far more watchable than any other soap this year. Yes it’s still terminally bad at times - the Irish cross-dresser is perhaps the most irritating character in soap history and some of the acting is never more than school play-standard. But when it goes ridiculously over-the-top, it does it in style.

The whole plotline may have been totally ludicrous - a mild-mannered guy gets lured into date-raping by his best friend and then becomes a mass-murdering psycho all within a few months. But it resulted in a spectacular finale which showed Emmerdale how to do an explosion, killed off several characters in one go and managed to be both moving (the twins deaths) and funny (Joe’s mobile ringing from a body bag) at the same time.

27) The Madness of Boy George
The madness in the title should be referring to him agreeing to take part in this often bizarre profile of one of the most colourful characters in pop music.

Trawling Gaydar for one night-stands, making odd home-made video diaries, slagging off the likes of Madonna and Elton John at any given opportunity, this Channel 4 show, following his community service for cocaine possession, only showed what a rather tragic and bitter if still very entertaining person he had become.

28) Girls Aloud: Off The Record
Who'd have thought it. A warts and all documentary about a pop group which did show every wart possible rather than a sanitised version the record company wanted you to see. Off The Record followed Britain's #2 girl group around for a few months and revealed exactly what they're all like. Nicola and Kimberley are lovely, Nadine couldn't look less bothered if she tried, Cheryl is a stroppy cow, and surprisingly, Sarah was the biggest diva of them all.

29) Shipwrecked
Sun, sea, sand, scripted reality TV – what more could you want for your Sunday afternoon viewing. The original castaway show returned but this time with a competition element which may have been a good idea on paper, but ultimately led to the most blatant scripting of a reality show I can remember.

The idea - two islands both start off with five castaways each. Each week, a new castaway would spend three days on each island and then choose which island they wanted to live on for the remainder of their stay. The winning island would share a rather paltry sum of £75,000 between them.

So how convenient then, that after 20-odd weeks, each island was even on the very last show. People joined islands for no given reason at all, fights were started with no provocation, every conversation started with a “So, how are you etc.” as if they were reading them off an autocue - everything was so utterly contrived. So why have I put it in? Well, it was still genuinely entertaining, there were several highly likeable and dislikeable characters and it helped to pass a couple of hours each Sunday for a few months.

30) Boys Will Be Girls
I’m not sure whether to include this in the Best or Worst list as it’s one of those jaw-droppingly bad ideas that somehow compels you to watch but leaves you feeling rather dirty after having watched it.

The concept – to find a new girlgroup, but with a twist – it had to be made up of ex-boyband members. You weren’t sure whether to feel contempt for them for doing absolutely anything for a bit of fame, or to feel sorry for them for being exploited by their cretin of a manager, Nathan Moore.

The band was made up of Austin Drage, a member of an unsigned boyband (that’s how low down the boyband food chain they had to go) who was the term “little shit” personified, Russ from Scooch, who’s about as feminine-looking as Geoff Capes and Martin from Fast Food Rockers, who looked worryingly good in drag and indeed, you get the feeling he'd be carrying on this little experiment long after the show finished.

The fact that this group couldn’t score a top 200 hit in their own gender didn’t seem to phase them and they bravely went for it culminating in the show’s climax, a gig at Butlin’s. Surprisingly only half of the audience guessed they weren’t of the fairer sex. Like a slightly warped Faking It, this was compulsive viewing and the actual song they recorded wasn’t bad at all. But considering it never got released, you have to ask what was the point of it all.

Top 40 Greatest TV Moments of 2006 #40-31

2006-12-16T13:21:00.000Z

So now time for the Top 40 Greatest TV Moments of 2006. This might be a little premature as we've still got two weeks TV left but looking at the Christmas Radio Times, I can't see there being any major televisual events that will be missed out. Well, apart from the Royal Institution Christmas Lectures of course.

My Top 40 Singles list was pretty easy to compile thanks to sites like this, which lists every song that charted this year. Of course, there isn't any site that lists every single TV programme shown so I've had to do the unreliable thing and use my actual memory, which is why I'm sure there's some blatant omission. But anyway, whether it's a series, a particular episode or just a particular scene, these are the most entertaining TV moments that I can remember.

31) David Mitchell on TV Heaven, Telly Hell
Another generic rip-off of Room 101, TV Heaven, Telly Hell invited comedians to ramble on about their best and worst TV shows. Nothing too spectacular about that but when you give the likes of David Mitchell free reign, it becomes comedy gold. Mitchell comes across as just as anal and uptight as his Peep Show character and is all the funnier for it, particularly his rant about the banality of the Heaven and Earth show.

32) Time Trumpet - University Challenge Sketch
The Armando Ianucci Show is one of my favourite comedy shows of all time so there were high hopes for Time Trumpet, a spoof of all those I Love 1974-type shows, which was set in the year 2032, looking back at the TV of the noughties. Confusing, yes. But whereas Ianucci’s surrealism worked so well on his self-titled show, it all fell a bit flat here. It did have its moments though, the future lookalikes of Anne Robinson and David Beckham were spot on but it’s the University Challenge Venezuela sketch that was the highlight. Totally silly but hilarious at the same time.

33) Never Mind The Buzzcocks
Never Mind The Buzcocks stopped being funny about eight years ago – Mark Lamarr’s venemous humour coming across as vindinctive and cruel rather than funny. Which is why Simon Amstell’s appointment as his successor was perfect. He may have looked a little too young to host an “adult” show but he held his own against captains Phil Jupitus and Bill Bailey and also managed to tread the thin line between gently poking fun at guests like Vanessa and Anthea Turner and completely anhialating them. The booking of guests was also inspired, particularly the final show where the ever-catty Jamelia, calling Javine a slag for doing the dirty on her mate Alesha, and almost came to blows with "not sure whether to like her/loathe her" Lily Allen.

34) Trust Me... I’m A Holiday Rep
It may have been completely brainless viewing but Channel 5’ themed “let’s get celebrities to do some actual work” reality show provided quite a few memorable TV moments. Whether it was the original Clare from Hollyoaks acting all diva-like J-Lo-style, Rowland Rivron showing us more than anyone wanted to see or Paul Burrell proving that all the hatred towards him is fully jusfified. The star of the series though was Nancy Lam, who thanks to her broken English, became unintentionally hilarious and one of the most loveable reality stars this year.

35) Poker Face
ITV might as well be renamed the Ant and Dec Channel. As well as the usual Takeaway & I’m A Celeb, they’ve hosted Celebrity Football, Celebrity Golf and Poker Face, the best quiz show idea since Who Wants To Be A Millionaire.

The idea is that the contestants don’t have to answer any questions right, they just have to make their opponents think they have. Unlike Millionaire, the week-long series guaranteed a millionaire at the end and unlike most quiz shows, you got to see the personality of the contestants which gave you someone to root for and someone, like the arrogant finalist Julian, who you were quite happy to see them go home with nothing.

36) Shameless
It may have suffered slightly from the departure of James McAvoy and Anne-Marie Duff, but Shameless is still the best homegrown drama on terrestrial TV. In a way, the absence of Steve and Fiona allowed other characters, such as Carl and Debbie to come to the forefront. The third series dealt with everything from teenage pregnancy, suicide and bodies under the patio but still manages to be hilarious as well as moving.

37) Chris Moyles’ elimination on The X Factor
Chris Moyles has always been egotistical but he somehow manages to get away with it on radio. But it’s a different story when he makes the transition to TV, where he becomes devoid of any sense of humour or personality. Despite soundng like a very average pub singer at best – he thought he had the Celebrity X Factor victory in the bag. Which is why his total disbelief at being eliminated in the semi-final is absolutely priceless.

38) Argentina World Cup Goal
This year’s World Cup was a bit of an anti-climax – another dismal England display, meaningless final group games, tedious “play-for-penalties” knockout stages and a lackulstre final between two countries far from their best. However, there were more breathtakingly superb goals than any other World Cup I can remember. Whether it was Lahm’s opening goal against Costa Rica, Czech Republic’s Rosicky’s stunner against USA or England’s very own Joe Cole’s volley against Sweden. The best though, and one which football purists are still probably harping on about is Argentina’s 2nd goal against Serbia and Montenegro. A goal which consisted of 24 straight passes finished off superbly by Campiasso, it will go down as one of the greatest World Cup team goals ever. They really did look unstoppable.

39) Nicki French's jaw-droppingly bad video

I'm not sure whether this should be classed as a TV moment as I’m pretty sure it’s not been on TV. I don’t think even Flaunt would touch this with a bargepole. Making Tracy Shaw’s legendary crappy video look like a Hype Williams multi-million dollar budget MTV award winner, the video to Nicki French’s never-ending re-release of her only hit “Total Eclipse Of The Heart” is tragically hilarious from start to finish. Whether it’s the circa 1992 computerised background or the grandma dancing at a wedding “choreography” everything about it is so utterly stupendously awful, it’s actually good.

40) Bo In The USA – The Pete Doherty biscuit sketch
Leigh Francis still hasn’t figured out that his rubber mask creations are the only thing worth watching in his otherwise painfully unfunny show. The first two series of Bo Selecta were comedy genius but since then, for some reason, the masks have been relegated to make way for the cringeworthy Keith Lemon and The Bear. But stuff like the Pete Doherty sketch makes wading through all the rubbish worthwhile. While not quite up to the classic standard of Trisha "when I say rice, you say and pea" Goddard, having the waste of space addicted to Nice Biscuits and Bourbon Creams was an inspired and very funny move.

The Worst Ten Singles of 2006

2006-12-14T19:07:00.000Z

01) D4L – Laffy Taffy
I think I’ve only heard this about twice and yet it’s made such an impression on me that it’s still my worst single of the year. I have no idea who D4L are but they sum up everything that’s wrong with the absymal melody-less, tuneless, “crunk” that passes for R&B/hip-hop these days.

02) Fall Out Boy – Sugar We’re Going Down
The occasional Lostprophets or Panic At The Disco single I can stomach, but on the whole, I find the whole emo culture much more fake and cynically marketed than any manufactured pop group. Fall Out Boy are the worst culprits and this was their worst single, just a whiny mess of incoherent lyrics and nasal wailing with not a redeemable thing about it.

03) Black Eyed Peas – Pump It
When did the Black Eyed Peas become so excruciatingly unlistenable? This had the laziest and most uninspired use of a sample all year - remove it and you’re basically left with a big pile of nothingness.

04) Fratellis – Chelsea Dagger
Chas and Dave supported The Libertines a few years ago and I’m guessing The Fratellis were about the only group who thought a combination of the two would be a good idea. got their inspiration from. Chelsea Dagger was an awful type of leery, boozed up Cockney singalong with an irritating “duh-duh-duh” chorus which made my ears bleed every time I heard it. The kind of band the NME champion as the future of music, which tells you all you need to know.

05) Shayne Ward – Stand By Me
A single which typified everything that is wrong with The X Factor. Great TV. Lousy after-product. Not content with making his artists release straight-forward cover versions of Unchained Melody, Simon Cowell is now making them release watered down rip-offs of Unchained Melody. Shayne Ward should have gone in the UK Justin Timberlake direction. Instead he’s gone down the one-man Westlife route.

06) Sandi Thom – I Wish I Was A Punk Rocker
It's still hard to believe that Sandi Thom has had a #1 album this year. What possessed people in their hundreds of thousands to go and buy an album from such a blatant novelty one-hit wonder? And what an awful one-hit wonder it was. Patronising sixth-form lyrics, instrument-less verses, the whole thing felt like an unfinished demo from some throwback hippy student.

07) Kelis – Bossy
How the mighty have fallen. Before this year, she could do no wrong in my eyes. Her debut Kaleidoscope is probably one of my top ten albums of all time. So it was sad to see her turn into the predictable bikini-clad cliche that she has become. The inventive and innovative R&B she’d produced with the Neptunes had been replaced by the kind of formulaic one-note, tuneless and unimaginative dirges such as this. The year’s most disappointing comeback by a long shot.

08) Lemar – It’s Not That Easy
Not the worst single of 2006, but definitely the laziest. Lemar showed so much promise with his first few singles, combining old-skool soul with modern R&B. But he seems to have abandoned all that for the kind of easy listening Al Green knock-offs that Smooth FM playlist to death.

09) Michelle Marsh - Don't Do

OK, so no-one was expecting Imagine part 2 from a glamour model turned singer via Celebrity X Factor. But it still doesn't excuse the sheer awfulness of this tacky, dated pop single with a monotonous, almost painful vocal from Ms Marsh herself. It makes Jordan's attempts at a pop career look classy.

10) Brian McFadden and Leann Rimes – Everybody’s Someone
The aural equivalent of watching paint dry. I’ve heard this on several occasions and can’t remember one distinguishing thing about it. Rimes is capable of producing the odd lovely ballad (I Need You) or pop classic (Can’t Fight The Moonlight) so what she’s doing with a washed up ex-boybander on a comatose-inducing song such as this is anyone’s guess.

Top 40 Singles of 2006 - #10-1

2006-12-11T16:20:00.000Z

01) The Delays - Valentine
Amazingly the best pop song of the year didn’t come from Girls Aloud or Sugababes but from a long-haired indie band. Valentine is just an astounding single, packed full of choruses, a squelching bassline reminscent of Donna Summer’s I Feel Love and an astonshing falsetto vocal from lead singer Greg Gilbert. It was a ballsy move that didn’t quite pay off chart-wise but has ended up in many end of year lists and has become almost ubiquitous on trailers for TV shows. This really should have been huge.

02) Captain – Broke
The second entry for Captain in this chart, and it so very nearly took the top spot. I really don’t get the comparisons with Deacon Blue other than they both have male and female vocalists - their uplifting harmonies have more in common with The Magic Numbers than anyone else. But unlike The Magic Numbers, they’re never twee or too derivative. Rik Flynn’s vocals combined perfectly with keyboardist Clare Szembek’s on this gloriously uplifting pop song.

03) CSS – Let’s Make Love And Listen To Death From Above
Probably the most immediate single of the year, I first caught this on MTV2 while channel-hopping and was immediately hooked thanks to its fusion of disco, pop, glam-rock and cutesy vocals from Lovefoxx. This was a single that defied pigeon-holing and was just a joy to listen to.

04) Lorraine – I Feel It
Another single which undeservedly underperformed, I Feel It took the dark brooding vocals of Depeche Mode, the melodic piano-led rock of Keane and the synth pop of the Pet Shop Boys to create a majestic dreamy pop song with a mammoth chorus which promises much for next year's album.

05) Oakenfold featuring Brittany Murphy – Faster Kill Pussycat
Brittany Murphy can now be added to the short list of US actors who’ve managed to not embarrass themselves on record. Sure, it wasn’t exactly a challenging song to sing but she acquits herself well on this juggernaut of a dance record, which just like every dance record these days, seems to take its hook from Deep Dish’s Flashdance.

06) Plan B – Mama
Now for the most foul-mouthed song on the list. The Streets meets Eminem is how Ben Drew has been labelled. It’s a lazy description but it’s true. His tales of sex, drugs, violence are definitely from a British perspective but they’re also delivered with a snarling angry vocal. This may have been a tale about his mum’s crackhead boyfriend but was probably one of the softer moments on the excellent Who Needs Actions album thanks to the R&B chorus and deft use of a Hall & Oates sample.

07) Nelly Furtado – Maneater
The track that kickstarted her career again after the lacklustre performance of the Folklore album. There are so many small but great things about the record, whether it’s the open/close hi-hats, the yelping after each line in the verses, Nelly’s almost monotonous delivery, everything about it just fits together so well to make the quirkiest and best R&B record of the year.

08) All American Rejects – Move Along
I usually hate the type of US college rock bands that obligatory appear on stuff like the American Pie soundtracks. The All American Rejects are an exception. Move Along was a frenetically-paced rock single with about three stadium chant choruses which stayed just on the right side of emo and also came with a brilliantly edited video.

09) Goldfrapp – Fly Me Away

Goldfrapp had left me completely cold up until “Number One” last year. Since then, each single has been superior, culminating in the peak of this dreamy synth-pop, complete with discordant Casio keyboard solo, which is the closest thing they’ve done to a ballad.

10) Skye – Love Show
Just one of the loveliest songs of the year - this Dido-esque tale of unspoken love was proof that her split from Morcheeba did both parties the world of good. Unfortunately due to her record company faffing about, this got pushed back several times until both it and the album got completely lost.

Top 40 Singles of 2006 - #20-11

2006-12-09T19:50:00.000Z

11) Jamelia – Something About You
Forget David Hasselhoff getting to #3, or All Saints album getting to #40, Jamelia’s comeback single ended up with the most surprising chart position of the year. On first hearing, its radio-friendly R&B verses, Kelly Clarkson-style chorus and stylish video seemed like it was destined for #1 so it’s baffling why it only managed #9. She seems to be suffering from Rachel Stevens syndrome – great songs but no-one seems to care anymore. She’s one of the best pop stars we’ve got at the moment - opinionated, talented and not afraid to take risks, it’ll be a shame if she has to come back from the dumper yet again.

12) Nerina Pallot – Everybody’s Gone To War
After being dropped from her record company a few years ago, this year was when it finally happened for Nerina Pallot, even if she’s still not as big as she ought to be. That her breakthrough occurred with such an overtly political song was surprising but its vintage Sheryl Crow sound complete with a big chorus and excellent food fight video meant it was always destined to be a hit. One of the best additions to the plethora of singer-songwriters that broke through this year.

13) The Modern – Industry
On first listen, you’d think this was a track from the Top 40 Singles of 1983, not 2006. Easily the most authentic sounding retro-single of the year, this took electro-pop right back to its 80s roots - the only modern thing about it was its Gwen Stefani-type chorus. Unfortunately, this track was disqualified from the chart due to accusations of chart-rigging, and we’ve not heard of them since.

14) Corinne Bailey Rae – Trouble Sleeping
She may be getting labelled as a “coffee-table” act but that’s only down to her massive sales - there’s nothing bland about her voice, similar to a modern Ella Fitzgerald, nor indeed her songs, particularly on the lovely chillout soul of this third single, which I found far preferable to the overplayed Put Your Records On.

15) Solu Music featuring Kimblee – Fade
A Hed Kandi anthem for several years, this classic sounding house track, featuring vocals from Lisa Stansfield-soundalike Kimblee, finally got released in time to become the dance track of the Summer. Apparently the single remix butchered the original version but as I've never heard it, I'll remain blissfully ignorant.

1 6) India Arie – I Am Not My Hair
Her debut album Acoustic Soul managed to do the impossible by merging nu-soul with actual tunes and melodies. She managed an even more amazing feat by making Akon sound bearable on this, her most commercial single to date. I Am Not My Hair may have had a corny message (beauty is only skin deep etc) but thanks to her rich, soulful voice and unusual lyrics, namechecking Oprah Winfrey in the process, she managed to deliver it in her usual unique style.

17) Robbie Williams – Lovelight
The whole Rudebox project has been one of the most baffling things to happen in music this year. Was it a joke? Was Robbie trying to prove that he could release any old crap and it would still sell? Or was it a genuine attempt at reinventing himself? Listening to the album, the jury is out, but there’s no denying that Lovelight is easily his best single since "Feel" and indeed one of the best things he’s ever done. That it was met with such apathy on its release is probably down to the career-suicidal decision to release Rudebox first. But this Lewis Taylor cover, the kind of soul-pop George Michael used to do so well, deserved to be a much bigger hit than it was. No doubt he’ll go back to predictable MOR stadium anthems next year.

18) Captain – Glorious
A fitting title, Captain are the second of just two acts to have more than one song in the Top 40, and were probably my favourite new band of the year. This was their second consecutive brilliant single which was followed by a promising Trevor Horn-produced debut album but for some reason, they just haven’t captured the public’s imagination in the same way.

19) Michael Gray featuring Shelley Poole – Borderline
Shelley Poole must have some kind of affinity with the #12. She never had a top ten hit as part of Alisha’s Attic, reaching an agonisingly close #12 on three occasions. And she made it a fourth on this collaboration with Dutch producer Michael Gray. This may have been a tad formulaic and not too much of a departure from "The Weekend" but Poole's vocals added a touch of elegance missing from most chart dance hits this year.

20) Friday Hill – One More Night Alone
Embarrassing song #2. Blazin’ Squad, apart from the genius Flip Reverse, may have been one of the most excruciatingly bad pop acts of this decade. So it’s no surprise that three of its former members, would decide to distance themselves as much as possible in their new outfit. A cover of a D-Side album track may not sound too promising but this was an unpretentious guitar-pop song with a storming chorus which ended up being my guilty pleasure of the year. The ridiculous ad-libs from the ever-likeable Kenzie (“just buh-buh-buh-lieve me now”) only added to its charm.

Top 40 Singles of 2006 #30-21

2006-12-06T09:09:00.000Z

21) Editors – All Sparks
Editors were the only act to have two singles in my Top 40 last year and they just miss out on a Top 20 placing in this year’s one, with one of the best tracks off the good but samey The Back Room album. They may have overdone the re-releases (three of their singles were re-released) but it was great to see a guitar band who weren’t trying to be Coldplay, managing to break through and get a top 3 album.

22) Faithless – Bombs
Another dance act who consistently produce the goods. I’ve always preferred Faithless when they’re doing their chillout low-key stuff rather than their thumping trance and it didn’t get more low-key than this. A surprising choice for a lead single, it left you completely underwhelmed at first but slowly won you around thanks to its Royksopp-style production, soulful vocals from Harry from Kubb and Maxi Jazz’s laid-back as ever words of wisdom.

23) Muse – Supermassive Black Hole
An even more surprising entry than Coldplay, Muse’s previous prog-rock sound had done absolutely nothing for me. This new direction was still as overblown as ever, but went down the very brave route of incorporating a pop element as well which may have alienated a few fans but gained many many more. A staggering likeness to Britney's "Do Something", this was one of the most "knock you for six when you first hear it" singles of the year.

24) Basement Jaxx – Take Me Back To Your House
You should always expect the unexpected on a Basement Jaxx record but they surpassed themselves in the "completely barmy" stakes with this second single from the under-achieving Crazy Itch Radio album. Accordians, banjos, helium-pitched “no-no-nos,” this was the most Russian-sounding dance single you’ll ever hear. A shame that it actually ended up as their lowest charting song.

25) Mattafix – To And Fro
Another act criminally ignored and destined to be consigned to the dumper. This duo were largely responsible for Siobhan Donaghy’s excellent debut, and indeed she pops up on backing vocals here, a mellow R&B track full of haunting violins, electro squelches and a quite frankly bizarre rap. The album was just as good as well.

26) Mary J.Blige featuring U2 – One
One of the most opinion-dividing singles of the year, mainly because of narrow-minded U2 fans, how anyone can fail to be completely bowled over by Mary’s vocal performance, particularly in the final minute, is beyond me. The original may be a classic, but this added something else without ruining it. A rare feat. And it deservedly gave her her biggest hit to date.

27) Alesha – Knockdown
A Xenomania produced, Lily Allen soundalike single from the woman responsible for the immortal lines "M-M-Misteeq, we're coming back again/ Love of the music inside your membrane/I'm going to burn you with my lyrical flame". How could it fail? Well for some reason it did. Inexplicably ignored by Radio 1 and pretty much everyone else, it became another prime example of how a pop single, which would have sailed into the top ten a few years ago, now struggles to even make the Top 40.

28) Chicane featuring Tom Jones – Stoned In Love

The song responsible for Tom Jones’ sixteenth comeback, even though his vocals were completely distorted in the verses so it didn’t sound like him anyway. This was an uptempo guitar-led dance track a million miles away from the 90s chillout classics of Offshore & Sunstroke which also bore a slight resemblance to the chorus of Holly Valance’s career-saving single that never was, Desire.

29) Ashlee Simpson – Boyfriend
Embarrassing song #1. At least it’s not Jessica, I suppose. She may have copied the Kelly Clarkson formula down to a tee, but which young female artist isn’t these days. This is just an unashamedly disposable but fun guitar-pop song.

30) Kubb – Grow
They’re never going to win awards for originality but Kubb’s brand of melodic pop-rock produced one of the loveliest if slightly cliched ballads this year thanks to its spine-tingling gospel choir, Jeff Buckly-inspired vocals and soaring strings. This is not vocalist Harry Collier’s only appearance on the chart.

Top 40 Singles of 2006 #40-31

2006-12-04T08:57:00.000Z

31) MYNC Project – Something On Your Mind
Faceless dance track #2. Well not quite faceless as it featured the vocals of Abi Titmuss lookalike Abigail Bailey, who was last seen on Herd & Fitz’s anthem I Just Can’t Get Enough, but near enough. And indeed it’s her vocals which set this track apart from all the other millions of Clubland compilation tracks you’ll see this next to. Reached the dizzy heights of #74 in the charts but deserved much better.

32) Starsailor – This Time
They’ve got a bit of a reputation as being “bedwetter music” but on anthemic, pounding songs like this, it’s hard to understand why - they’ve certainly got more “oomph” than a lot of their contemporaries. Another band who seem to have been totally forgotten about, which is surprising considering their last album was their most self-assured yet, and this second single was a huge radio hit at the start of the year.

33) Madonna – Jump
I’ve not been totally convinced by Madonna’s attempt at restoring her former glory with Confessions On A Dancefloor. For someone who is the Queen of Pop, I think you’re entitled to expect something better than the kind of stuff Rachel Stevens would have as B-sides. But her singles have gradually got better and Jump, the fourth from its parent album was the classiest and least contrived of the lot.

34) Coldplay - The Hardest Part
Certainly an act I never thought I’d be seeing in an end of year top 40, Coldplay, like Keane, Snow Patrol, etc are one of those bands that aren't particularly offensive but are nowhere near worthy enough of the critical acclaim or multi-million sales they get. The Hardest Part was a bit of a departure for them in that it wasn’t trying to be some U2-type stadium anthem (In My Place) or cynical life-affirming ballad, (Fix You) it was just a simple radio-friendly pop song with a great video that showed they don’t always take themselves too seriously. It’s also the first of three download only songs on this chart.

35) Shapeshifters - Incredible

Shapeshifters are a rare breed – a chart dance act which did more than just blatantly rehash their first single and had enough good material to actually release an album. Of course, everything they do will always be overshadowed by THAT song but it’s a shame that Incredible, another example of their soulful string-soaked house, and its subsequent single Sensitivity was pretty much ignored.

36) Nelly Furtado - Promiscuous

Her shift from acoustic folk to urban pop isn’t as much of a departure as people think – her first two albums both dallied with R&B. But working with Timbaland upped the ante considerably and it was a slightly courageous move that completely paid off. This slinky second single was a brilliantly executed call & answer track which showed Maneater wasn’t a fluke. It’s not the last we’ll see of Nelly and indeed she’s one of only two acts to have two songs in the top 40.

37) The Similou – All This Love
Destined to be a one-hit wonder, indeed this Scandinavian four-piece should have had a much bigger hit than the No.20 placing they did. An 80s retro pop-dance track with a wonderfully uplifting chorus that could have come straight from Gwen Stefani’s last album, this was the dance song of the late Summer.

38) Guillemots - Made Up Love Song #43

Another Mercury Music Prize nominee and another strange band, this time a mixture of folk, pop and makeshift instruments such as typewriters that could sound pretentious but instead sounds wonderfully eclectic.

This track seemed to appear in every TV drama going in the Summer, but its ubiquitousness doesn’t take away from what is a brilliant and unique love song.

39) Aaron Smith - Dancin

One of two rather faceless and generic dance songs making up the bottom half of this chart, there isn’t much to say about this record other than the fact it charted in the first week of this year and yet despite it being rather unremarkable, has still left some impression on me 12 months later.

40) Hot Chip - Over And Over

So we start with probably one of the most “credible” songs on the list and what a strange song it is. Combining electro pop with guitar solos, eye test recitals and lyrics about monkeys with miniature cymbals, it also came with a genius green-screen parody video.

The sight of the keyboardist, the most unlikely looking pop star ever, bouncing up and down is one of the joyous music video moments of the year. Their album, which was Mercury Prize nominated, was also just as infectious and provided one of the few high points in a rather barren year for pop music.

Top 40 Singles Of 2006

2006-12-03T12:04:00.000Z

So it's the beginning of December, which means it's the time of year to start randomising meaningless lists of the year's events. In the next few weeks I'll be revealing my Top 40 TV Moments of 2006, my Top 10 Films, and many more. But first up, is my Top 40 Singles of 2006. Here's a look at my 2005 one to get an idea of what to expect.

40) Bananarama - Look On The Floor
39) Basement Jaxx - Oh my Gosh
38) Natasha Bedingfield - I Bruise Easily

37) The Raveonettes - Love In A Trash Can

36) Supergrass - St Petersburg

35) Supafly vs Fishbowl - Let's Get Down

34) KT Tunstall - Suddenly I See

33) Amerie - One Thing

32) Girls Aloud - Biology

31) Rooster - You're So Right For Me

30) Saint Etienne - A Good Thing

29) Maximo Park - Going Under

28) Hard-Fi - Hard To Beat

27) Garbage - Sex Is Not The Enemy

26) Rachel Stevens - So Good

25) Editors - Munich

24) Lee Ryan - Turn Your Car Around

23) Natalie Imbruglia - Shiver

22) Terri Walker - This Is My Time

21) Gwen Stefani - Cool

20) Verbalicious – Don’t Play Nice
19) Athlete – Tourist
18) Timo Maas - The First Day
17) Lil Love - Lil Love
16) Lisa Miskovsky – Lady Stardust
15) The Killers – Somebody Told Me
14) Beverley Knight – Keep This Fire Burnin
13) Daniel Bedingfield – The Way
12) Minnie Driver – Invisible Girl
11) Kelly Clarkson – Since You’ve Been Gone

10) Mattafix – Passerby
09) Mylo – In My Arms
08) Deep Dish – Say Hello
07) Editors – Bullets
06) Gemma Hayes – Happy Sad
05) Annie – Heartbeat
04) Royksopp – Only This Moment
03) Faithless feat. Estelle – Why Go
02) Morcheeba – Wonders Never Cease
01) Mew - Special

As you can see, a rather credible top ten, (Editors, Gemma Hayes, Mew) well for me anyway, a few big hits (Kelly Clarkson, Killers), some undeserved flops (Mattafix, Minnie Driver) and some rather embarrassing guilty pleasures (Bananarama, Lee Ryan.) Pretty much the same as this year then.

Anyway, in the style of the old Pepsi Chart Show, here are some facts about this year's - there are 11 females, 6 males, 23 groups; 29 British acts, 1 Brazillian, 2 Canadian, 5 American, 1 Swedish, 1 Norwegian and 1 Dutch. Six of the singles failed to reach the top 75 in the Official Charts for one reason or another, only one single reached the official #1, and only five acts that appeared in last year's chart appear in this one. So let's get started...

I'm A Celebrity... (Really?)

2006-11-20T20:43:00.000Z

So we’re one week into the sixth series of I’m A Celebrity, the reality show which, depending on its casting, can be absolutely brilliant (Jordan, Peter Andre, Johnny Rotten) or absolutely dismal (Linda Barker, Phil Tufnell, Antony Worrall Thompson).

This year’s lot are the same mix of faded has beens, obscure nobodies and tabloid freakshows, but so far it’s been surprisingly entertaining, largely down to Thursday’s show, which was one of the most astonishing pieces of television all year.

The whole camp could be obilterated by witchity grubs and this series would still be remembered for Dean Gaffney’s near mental-breakdown in his Bushtucker Trial Challenge. Half hilarious, half quite disturbing, the former Wellard sidekick didn’t really seem to have a clue what he was doing or where he was and his relentless shrieking has surely surpassed Paul Burrell’s gurning in the over-dramatic stakes.

But he’s not the only character worth watching. I’ll forever be scarred by the image of David Gest kissing Liza Minelli at their wedding, but despite this, I’m actually quite liking him. Yes, he’s a blatant name-dropper, bullshitter and prone to the odd diva tantrums, but he’s also very witty, is prepared to get stuck in and is responsible for the “I can’t even get a bloody chocolate cookie” rap.

Lauren Booth has also been unintentionally funny, putting her foot in it on several occasions, whether it’s crawling to Gest over comments she made about his plastic surgery, saying she didn’t know who Phina was when she was stood right next to her and then of course, there were those preposterous reggae and hip-hop dancing moves. Seeing Cherie Blair’s half-sister attempt to be the female Beenie Man is definitely one of the most bizarre things you’ll ever see on a reality show.

Elsewhere, Toby Anstis would eat himself if he could but he’s still quite likeable, as is Myleene Klass and Jason Donovan, the obvious winner , even if he doesn’t really do that much. Neither does Matt Willis, who seems the most normal one in there but it’s a very odd career decision to go into the jungle when your album’s being released at the same time. Being a contestant doesn’t seem to have worked wonders for Anthony Costa or Jenny Frost’s career has it?

Jan Leeming looks great for her age but is possibly even more whinier than Natalie Appleton was, which is quite some feat. I have no sympathy for any contestants who don’t seem to know what they’ve let themselves in for. This is the sixth series for Christ’s sake.

Phina is intriguing, well her accent is anyway, veering from American to Scouse in the space of a sentence. Scott almost outdoes Fran Cosgrave, Natasha from Atomic Kitten’s ex boyfriend, in the complete nobody stakes. Does designing Samantha Mumba’s dresses really constitute being a celebrity these days? Anyway, he’s as vile, bitchy and as shit-stirring as you would expect and will surely be the first one out. And Faith Brown and Malandra Burrows have left absolutely no impression whatsoever.

Anyway, last night we found out there is to be one of those dreaded twists that seem to curse reality shows (see this year’s BB.) and the group of 12 are going to be split up into boys and girls. In saying that, a change might do the show good. There’s only so many times you can see maggots crawling over minor celebrities before the appeal starts to wear off.

This Week's Singles

2006-11-20T09:14:00.000Z

Take That, like All Saints, have made the pretty smooth transition from obscurity back to the pop scene again. “Patience” (***) is exactly the kind of song you knew they’d come back with – a mid-tempo James Blunt lighter in the air anthem that doesn’t embarrass them but doesn’t exactly set the world on fire either. You’d think at least one of the other three would be allowed to sing this time though.

As noted further down, Emma Bunton’s “Downtown” (*) is a predictable and completely uninspiring choice to launch her album. She’s never going to be the most exciting artist in the world but the 60s retro Bond themes, bossanova and easy listening pop worked so well on her last album so it’s a shame to see her reduced to doing nothing more than karaoke.

The Feeling’s singles seem to be following a pattern. Sewn was great, Fill My Little World was not, Never Be Lonely was great, “Love It When You Call” (**) is not. They’re considered a “guilty pleasure” by many but they seem to have taken the whole irony a bit too far this time, sounding more like a MOR Darkness than an updated version of ELO.

Lemar’s last single was the most boring one of the year and “Someone Should Tell You” (**) isn’t much better. He really does seem to have abandoned the prospect of being the UK’s best R&B talent and is now settling for the kind of dated watered down soul that Smooth FM playlist to death.

Elsewhere, Red Hot Chili Peppers, the most over-rated band this decade, release more cod-funk with the awfully-titled “Snow (Hey Oh)” (*), Pink’s tradition of releasing at least one self-pitying dirge per album continues with “Nobody Knows” (*) and finally Faithless return after their huge selling Greatest Hits with “Bombs” (****) a Royksopp-style track featuring Harry from Kubb which leaves you underwhelmed at first but slowly grows on you and is indeed, this week’s Single Of The Week.

This Week's Singles

2006-11-11T15:07:00.000Z

I know I’m in the minority here but I’m just not “feeling” Justin Timberlake’s new direction. “Sexyback” was a big pile of nothing, his videos have been strangely dull and "My Love", (**) the supposed standout track from the Futuresex/Lovesounds album features a whiny falsetto vocal that I'm surprised anyone other than dogs can hear. There is better on the album (the title track, "What Goes Around Comes Around") but even the crass McDonalds tie-in "I'm Lovin It" is preferable to this.

Has there ever been a less appealing duet than Akon and Eminem’s “Smack That.” (no stars) I’d rather listen to Jordan and Peter Andre’s album. What a shame that Eminem’s “retirement” lasted all of about five seconds. And what a shame that Akon didn’t have the decency to retire after the god-awful chav anthem “Lonely.”

"Lovelight" (****) could be the song to save Robbie Williams’ half-decent #1 Rudebox album from "only" going multi-platinum instead of being multi-multi platinum. It’s the kind of soul-pop that George Michael did so well before he disappeared up his own backside. God knows why it wasn’t the lead single.

Snow Patrol go someway to redeeming themselves after their horribly cynical attempt at a stadium anthem with their last single. with the gorgeous “Set Fire To The Third Bar,” (***) featuring the Cerys Matthews soundalike Martha Wainwright.

After the dismal failures of US5 and Upper Street, 365 are the latest boyband to try and do the seemingly impossible, by having a hit record. The generic R&B-pop of “One Touch” (**), which completely steals the verses of Terri Walker’s “Whoopsie Daisy” won’t do it.

Helena Paparizou’s Eurovision winner wasn’t even released in the UK so it’s a bit mystifying that her follow up, “Mambo” (**) has been. It’s more of the same Europop that would have sounded pretty good had it been released in the Summer but sounds out of place on a rainy day in November.

It’s amazing to think Ronan Keating isn’t yet 30 when he seems to have been releasing the same kind of granny-chasing, soul-destroying easy listening such as “This I Promise You” (*) for what seems like hundreds of years. The wonderful uplifting guitar-pop of Life Is A Rollercoaster seems a long long time ago.

Captain have been completely ignored by everyone despite their wonderful harmony-layered pop such as "Frontline" (***) being far more interesting than the similar Magic Numbers. “You’re So Pretty” (***) is another re-release, this time from another under-rated group, The Charlatans, whose Best Of released last week is one of the better of the millions out this Christmas. And Orson, featuring the most smug lead singer since Phil Collins, continue to torture us with “Already Over”, (*) the same plodding 70s AOR that has somehow give them a #1 single and album.

The Best TV Drama Ever

2006-11-08T16:10:00.000Z

It may be ridiculously early to start wallowing in 90s nostalgia but when something as good as the re-running of the entire two series of the excellent This Life on BBC2 comes along, who cares.

The show which launched the careers of Andrew Lincoln (Teachers, Afterlife) and Jack Davenport (Pirates of the Carribean, The Talented Mr Ripley) follows the trials and tribulations of a group of young legal graduates who all share a house together in London. It's not exactly Lost in terms of plotlines but it's the realism, superb characterisation and ground-breaking (at the time) camerawork that sets it apart from any other TV drama.

And after watching the first ever episode on Monday night, apart from a few dodgy haircuts and some outdated references to Paul Ince and Princess Diana, it's still as fresh and relevant as ever. Which makes the prospect of this year's long-awaited Christmas special even more exciting.

I missed it first time around due to being a tad too young to appreciate it but got hooked on it when it was repeated in the summer of 2000. And it quickly became one of my favourite ever TV shows. Two episodes are being screened every weeknight, so it's going to be hard to keep up, but the final episode, with THAT punch will make staying up til 1am for the next couple of months worth it alone.

Don't Do It Emma

2006-11-07T20:49:00.000Z

As a closet Spice Girls fan, the kind of thing you can only get away with confessing to on the internet, the varying depths to which their solo careers have plummeted in recent years has been particularly painful to watch.

Whether it was Geri's misjudged soft porn video for Desire, Mel B's laughably cheap album LA State of Mind or Mel C's insistence on releasing plodding pub-rock, there hasn't been much to cheer about since Emma's wonderfully retro Free Me album over two years ago.

But any hope that she might be the sole success story was quashed when I saw and heard her latest single, the Petula Clark cover, Downtown. It may be for charity but that doesn't mean she has to release the kind of lazy inoffensive cover that reduces her to the status of a younger Jane McDonald.

Her tie-in with Strictly Come Dancing is a clever marketing idea but it would have worked so much better if she'd come out with something as classy as Free Me, as bonkers as Maybe or as fun as Crickets Sing For AnnaMaria.

She's apparently been working with Smoke City, responsible for Underwater Love, the excellent Levis advert tune from 1997, and the guys behind UK chart-toppers Olive, so the album sounds more promising. But releasing it in December is absolute career suicide. So many albums by much bigger acts have sank without trace due to being lost in the Christmas rush.

Each Spice Girl has had their moments of pop genius but their recent output has been nothing short of woeful. I'm glad they've had the dignity not to get back together for a quick buck but I do with they wouldn't tarnish their reputation even more by releasing such rubbish.

Kermit Has Left The Building

2006-11-05T22:14:00.000Z

Some thoughts on this week's pitiful X-Factor.

- Thank God the British public saw sense and finally voted Ashley in the bottom two. The only reason he seemed to be there in the first place was because Simon Cowell thought he was "different." But being different doesn't automatically mean you're any good. All this crap about him having more star quality, more potential etc - take away the afro and what are you left with - vocals reminiscent of Kermit the Frog yawning. His version of "The Winner Takes It All" was almost as bad as Rosie Ribbons' massacre in the first Pop Idol and his arrogance seemed to hold no bounds. "Louis only voted me out because he wants to get rid of the strongest." Yeah, that's why you've been in the bottom three for the last two weeks. Such a threat.

- I'm actually quite worried that Louis Walsh seemed to make a hell of a lot more sense than Simon Cowell. Ray IS a one-trick-pony and singing Waterloo in a swing style isn't a risk. Tailoring every single genre to swing music is completely the opposite of a risk. It's safe, predictable and boring. And he was dead right to send Ashley home. Robert is a better singer, performer and person full stop. Cowell's fake indignation was pathetic.

Eton Road are now my new favourites. After not thinking much of them until the live shows, they are now the most entertaining act in the competition. The UK needs a boyband like this at the moment - a band who aren't prepared to sit on stools until the key change, a band who aren't prepared to do lifeless covers of bland ballads, a band who knows pop music should be fun. They certainly look odd as a group, indeed Anthony always appears to be on a different planet to the other three, but I really do think they have a good chance of winning.

- Unlike Leona, who is actually my real favourite but I'm resigned to the fact that she will never win because she's a) female, b) black c) and doesn't have a sob story. I seem to be in the minority here but I thought her version of Chiquitita was by far the best of the night.

- She'll still probably be out before the Macdonald Brothers so bashing them is obviously a complete waste of time. The thing is, I don't think they're particularly horrendous. They're just so unbelievably dull and no amount of pointless guitar solos will change that. I can see Nikita, Robert and maybe even Ray ending up in the bottom two before they do. Anyone who votes for them purely because they're Scottish, which I'm assuming must be everyone who does, is a complete pillock.

- It was hilarious to see Bjorn from Abba struggling to hide his contempt when being interviewed. Apart from Leona and Eton Road, they really are the worst group of talent contest finalists we've ever had.

This Week's Singles

2006-11-05T19:09:00.000Z

All Saints have somehow managed to slide back into the pop-scene without sounding contrived or like has-beens. Which is even more remarkable considering how career-damaging Natalie Appleton's appearance on I'm A Celeb was. "Rock Steady" (***) is nowhere near their best but is still effortlessly-cool pop and shows reunions, no matter what the motive, don't always have to be embarrassing.

Sugababes took over from All Saints as the credible girl group that Q magazine readers are allowed to like and have been untouchable ever since Freak Like Me four years ago. Until now. "Easy" (***) is far from being a bad record. The chorus is great, the toilet-door dance routine is inspired and Amelle looks like she's been a Sugababe from day one, but overall, it sounds as though they're on autopilot. It looks like Girls Aloud might have stolen their thunder this Christmas when it comes to girlband Greatest Hits.

Maybe Mutya was the source of all the Sugababes powers. But on the evidence of "This Is Not Real Love" (*) she needs them just as much. She's the second Sugababe to go solo but instead of Siobhan's introspective guitar pop, Mutya's gone for the non-descript ballad with none other than serial car-sleeper and pensioner-cruiser George Michael. What sounds like an adventurous and intriguing duet on paper sounds terminally dull in reality. Both can do so so much better.

Teaming up two of the world's biggest bands is a great idea to sell as many charity records as possible, but it doesn't mean the actual record will be great. U2 and Green Day's cover of The Skids' "The Saints Are Coming" (*) is not as ear-bleedingly bad as expected but it was never going to be my idea of musical heaven.

Thank God it's been released this week though, as it looks like it just might keep Westlife, the worst thing to ever happen to pop music, off the #1 spot. "The Rose" (no stars) is a Bette Midler cover, surprise surprise, from their new covers album, surprise surprise. They're about as relevant to today's music scene as George Formby and it's embarrassing seeing how low they will stoop, whether it's their smug life-insurance advert type videos or their sub-standard Daniel O'Donnell material, just to reach the lucrative Radio 2 mums and grandmas market. Most pop groups split up after three albums. Westlife are on their seventh. Please someone make it stop.

Infernal's "From Paris To Berlin" screamed one-hit-wonder but their cover of Laura Branigan's "Self Control" (***) is not as tacky as you would expect and might ensure their brand of camp Europop sees another day.

Page 3 model Michelle Marsh was half-decent on Celebrity X Factor so what on earth has happened to her voice since then? She delivers probably the worst vocal performance this side of Jordan's wedding duet on "Don't Do," (no stars) a contender for worst single of the year.

Madonna's foray back into dance music left me a little cold at first. "Hung Up" would have been nothing without the sample and "Sorry" sounded like a Rachel Stevens b-side. She's got better with each single though and "Jump", (****) the fourth from Confessions On A Dancefloor, is her best since "Love Profusion." and this week's surprise Single Of The Week.

Elsewhere, Kasabian continue their transformation from Stone Roses soundalikes to Gary Glitter/ Sweet soundalikes on the glam-rock retro of "Shoot The Runner," (**) Paris Hilton continues to be surprisingly mediocre and not the train-wreck of a pop career we were expecting on "Nothing In This World" (**) and Fatboy Slim's pedestrian "Champion Sound" (**) proves he puts far more effort into his videos than his songs. And finally, Lucie Silvas releases probably the most underwhelming comeback single of the year. There's nothing wrong with a bit of MOR but "Last Year" (*) even makes Katie Melua look exciting.

Films I've Seen This Week

2006-11-02T17:14:00.000Z

Hot on the heels of The History Boys, comes another film set around education in the 1980s. But instead of Alan Bennett's unrealistic portrayal of Yorkshire grammar schools, Starter For Ten (***) takes a realistic look at university life in Bristol.

James McAvoy plays Brian Jackson, a hard-working English literature student who leaves his Motorhead loving, dole-cheating friends behind to start a new life in Bristol protesting, partying and appearing on University Challenge. Whilst there, he learns more than he bargained for when he meets the flirty quiz team-mate Alice and political activist Rebecca.

Starter For Ten, based on John Nicholls debut novel, doesn't provide many belly laughs - its gentle humour more suited to Sunday night TV rather than the big screen. But it has characters you genuinely care about, isn't as pretentious as The History Boys, two of which stars also appear here, and features genuinely good performances from McAvoy, Dominic Cooper as wayward friend Spencer and the ubiquitous Catherine Tate as Brian's protective mother.

The 80s sets, fashion sense and angst-ridden soundtrack also adds to the authenticity, seen missing from similar movies, and overall, it provides an amusing if fairly plotless look at an experience a lot of people can relate to.

Saw 3 (*) adheres to the law of diminishing returns rule. The first was geniunely inventive, original and scary, the second was derivative and contrived, the third is just downright nasty.

The convoluted plot sees Jigsaw, (Lost's Tobin Bell) on his deathbed in a downtown macabre warehouse, masterminding yet another ridiculous life-or-death game with the help of his even more twisted former-victim-turned-sadist Amanda.

Lynn, an overworked and troubled nurse, is kidnapped and fitted with a neck brace which will detonate if Jigsaw dies. Her objective is to keep him alive using makeshift medical tools, until the end of his final twisted game. This game involves a grieving father, Jim, who's been set a series of gruesome dilemmas which he must wrestle with in order to get revenge on the man who knocked down and killed his young son.

The twists in the first film particular are what made the franchise so shocking and unpredictable. But because of this, you're already prepared for the inevitable shocking finale. You can spot the main twist a mile off and the others just make no sense whatsoever.

The violence is also plain gratuitous and nasty. Witnessing an innocent woman exploding or a man having to rip hooks out of every body part in full close up isn't scary or shocking, it's just vile, and leaves you feeling dirty after having watched it. There's bound to be a fourth but it's going to have to rely on more than cheap shocks to come anywhere near redeeming the series.

She's The Man (***) is much lighter thank god but probably just as far-fetched. Like a younger female Mrs Doubtfire, Viola (Amanda Bynes) pretends to be her brother Sebastian in order the make his college soccer team and inflict defeat on her school who wouldn't let her play with the boys.

There, a complicated love triangle ensues, apparetnly based on Shakespeare's Twelfth Night, as she falls for Duke (Channing Tatum) who is in love with Olivia, who then falls in love with Viola as Sebastian.

The whole plot is rendered unbelievable by the fact that putting on a dodgy wig does not make Bynes look anything like a boy and you don't for one minute think anyone would be fooled. We're also expected to believe that Channing Tatum's character has no luck with women and that the team, who look like they've never kicked a football in their life, are the US college version of Chelsea (also lookout for the poster of Frank Lampard for an unlikely big-screen reference.)

In saying that, there's fun to be had in watching Viola try to fit in, whether it's staging fake break-ups, getting to grips with shaving or trying to control her urges towards Duke. It may be nonsense but it's harmless fun.

Pop Justice At Its Best

2006-10-31T20:27:00.000Z

I know it's a bit late but how tragically funny was Sunday's Totally Boyband with the knowledge that their debut single "The One" had only managed to reach #35 in the charts.

Whether it was Dane Bowers putting money on at the bookies for the single to reach #1, Dane Bowers claiming they were better than Girls Aloud or Dane Bowers claiming there's no way they wouldn't reach the top ten, every single person, particularly Dane Bowers, displayed a whopping amount of delusion, egotism and complete lack of self-awareness.

You would actually feel sorry for the band if they hadn't acted like complete arseholes throughout the series. Ditching Lee Latchford Evans for being talentless, when you had the likes of Jimmy from 911 and Danny Wood from NKOTB, was a staggeringly arrogant move. How he must be gloating now.

The whole thing was doomed from the start. It might have worked had they chosen members from 5ive, A1, V etc, people who were still the right side of 30 but to choose members of such varying ages, they looked ridiculous and incompatible from the moment they met at the press conference. They've also managed to do the impossible and make Lisa Scott-Lee look successful.

Heartbreaking

2006-10-29T22:17:00.000Z

I've only ever cried at two programmes/films, the Eastenders episode where Ethel died and more embarrassingly, Macauley Culkin's rather traumatic bee-sting death in My Girl (I was only ten at the time.) But last night's excellent Royle Family one-off special almost made it three.

It may have been obvious from the first five minutes that Nana would end up carking it but the superb performances and poignant script meant it didn't make it any less upsetting when it finally happened. The scenes where Nana told Barbara she was glad she wasn't in a home, where Barbara thought she had died in her bed, and where all her family kissed Nana goodbye in hospital were both beautifully written and heartbreaking at the same time. Both Liz Smith and Sue Johnston deserve BAFTA nominations next year.

It felt like more of a drama than a comedy but there were still flashes of the usual brilliant Royle Family humour, Jim ranting about "gays on television", Cheryl's hilarious lonely hearts dates, Denise wanting to palm off her son to watch Jeremy Kyle episodes she'd Sky +d.

It wasn't without its faults. The first ten minutes turned Jim into an overblown caricature, bellowing out Alf-Garnett style about the lack of remote control batteries and calling Anthony selfish even though he'd just lent £50. There were also several scenes which were blatant re-enactments of scenes in previous episodes, e.g. the dancing while laminating the floor was a contrived attempt at another Mambo #5 moment and Joe singing at the funeral was just a little too corny second time around.

But they were just little niggles. Overall, it showed Only Fools & Horses how to do a comeback special and was a fitting finale to what is one of the most innovative, funny and well-written sitcoms of the last ten years.

This Week's Singles

2006-10-29T11:34:00.000Z

Despite it having the kind of Lily Allen sound that Radio 1 would usually overkill, Alesha’s second superb single in a row, Knockdown, (****) will be lucky to chart top 20. She has the potential to be a great pop star so it’s baffling why everyone seems to be ignoring her.

Nobody’s paying much attention to Moby either these days which is a shame as I’ve enjoyed his post-Play singles far more probably because they’re not being played on every single TV show and advert. The Debbie Harry featuring "New York New York" is a rather straight-forward pop-dance song more reminiscent of his earlier work. Great video as well.

Basement Jaxx get the Single of the Week with easily their barmiest record yet. "Take Me Back To Your House" (****) is a melting pot of acoustic dance, Russian accordians, banjos and a chorus featuring vocals which bizarrely sound like the underpant-stealing gnomes in South Park.

There's more dance with "Yeah Yeah",(***) a possible contender for #1 from Bodyrox featuring a rather snarling punk-like vocal from Luciana, Cass Fox's "Touch Me," (**) a pointless retread of the #1 Rui Da Silva song she guested on just five years ago and "Runaway," (**) a very disappointing new single from Jamiroquai. They've had some great singles over the years but this isn't one of them. It may have their trademark disco-funk sound but it seems to have forgotten to actually add a chorus.

Can anybody else distinguish between the utterly moronic The Game and his other equally moronic counterparts Lloyd Banks, Obie Trice etc etc, “It’s Okay” (no stars) is more pathetic macho hip-hop with nothing memorable about it.

Elsewhere, after a rather good last two singles, “Nothing In My Way”(**) retreats to exactly what you expect from a Keane record. It’s safe, bland and sounds like a Coldplay tribute band. Simon Webbe continues to be the one-man Lighthouse Family on "Coming Around Again", (*) a lifeless attempt at acoustic soul and Plan B gets angry on the ridiculously over-the-top homage to Rage Against The Machine, “No More Eatin,”(*)

What A F****** Liberty

2006-10-28T12:29:00.000+01:00

BBC2 really are on a roll when it comes to homegrown comedy lately. After last week's double bill of Extras and That Mitchell & Webb Look came to an end, Thursday nights are now home to another similar line up of sketch shows, non-traditional sitcoms and panel shows.

First up, the third series for Catherine Tate, a woman who a lot of people seem to find completely unamusing, but in my opinion is one of the best comic actresses the UK has at the moment.

The Nan, one of the best comic creations this decade, is still the standout, and indeed, should have her own sitcom altogether. But the new sketches such as the tough Irish woman delighted to have a gay son and the woman who stood in for people at the last minute were also promising.

It's still a bit patchy, the charity fundraiser for Battered Husbands was a bit pointless and schoolgirl Lauren is getting a little tired now. But it's more consistent than Mitchell & Webb, less predictable than Little Britain and far funnier than anything French & Saunders have done in the last five years.

Jack Dee's new sitcom Lead Balloon, already shown on BBC4, was on straight after. It's one of those shows where not much happens and there's not really anything to make you laugh out loud but there is enough to make you smile from time to time. The Russian housekeeper gets most of the best lines and Dee, basically playing himself, is as depressingly charming as ever . However, the awful incidental jazz music needs to go.

Unfortunately my Sky+ failed to tape Never Mind The Buzzcocks but Simon Amstell was genius on the much-missed original Popworld and was quite good when he stood in for Mark Lamarr earlier this year. So hopefully he'll give it the kick up the arse it needs after it stopped being funny in about 1998.

Offensive, Crude, Hilarious

2006-10-25T17:34:00.000+01:00

At last, a comedy that lives up to its hype. Ali G may have outstayed his welcome by the time he made the leap to the big screen but Borat, Sacha Baron Cohen's other creation, is far funnier on celluloid than he ever was on TV.

It may be crude. It may use cheap gags. It may be completely offensive to every single minority group there is. But Borat: Cultural Learnings of America for Make Benefit Glorious Nation of Kazakhstan, to give it its full title, is hilarious from start to finish.

The film centres around Borat being sent to New York to make a programme about the American way of life for a Kazakhstan TV channel. After watching a Baywatch episode in his hotel room, he suddenly falls in love with Pamela Anderson and decides to travel to California instead, to track her down and then propose.

Unlike the Ali G film, Borat interacts with real people and it's their bewildered reactions to him which provides the most laughter. The formal dinner party scene, where Borat insults the host's wife, invites a prostitute as his guest and brings something to the dinner table you never want to see, is worth the ticket price alone.

As is his brief dalliance with scary Christian evangelists, his horror at discovering he's staying at a B&B run by Jewish people and the homage to Oliver Reed and Alan Bates' naked wrestling in Women In Love, where Borat grapples with his overweight companion, Bagatov, which is both disturbing and the most achingly funny thing you'll see all year.

The humour may not be subtle, but that doesn't mean it's not clever and there are several occasions when it exposes America's blatant sexism, homophobia and racism. Witness how three moronic fratboys describe women or how one rodeo organiser saying he'd like to see all gay people executed.

Perhaps surprisingly, given the Academy Awards' usual disregard for anything comedic, there are whispers of Cohen being nominated for an Oscar. And it would be totally deserved.

This is as far removed from the cliched predictability of his first movie, and at just 90 mins long, it manages the rare thing of leaving you wanting more.

This Week's Singles

2006-10-22T13:00:00.000+01:00

At last, a decent week for new releases with a five-way battle for the #1.

Most likely to get it is McFly, who seem to sail to the top spot with ease, no matter what formulaic 60s inspired guitar pop they release. "Star Girl" (**) has a good DIY video and is pleasant enough but they’re three albums in now. Surely it’s time to change their sound just a little bit.

It’s kind of strange that “Something Kinda Oooh” (****) is the single to resurrect Girls Aloud’s chart fortunes (they’ve become the first British act to chart inside the top ten on downloads alone) when it’s basically “Wake Me Up” part 2. Unlike McFly, they’ve got more inventive with each album so it’s a shame that this is the lead off single from a premature Greatest Hits rather than a new studio album.

Fedde Le Grand’s “Put Your Hands Up For Detroit” (*) is another one of those Benny Benazzi sounding records which seems to have no musical merit whatsoever and yet could be the biggest hit out of the lot. Radio 1 have got a lot to answer for.

It’s a shame that Amy Winehouse feels she needs to get pissed on The Charlotte Church Show in order to get noticed because the appropriately titled “Rehab,” (***) an authentic slice of Ronettes-style Motown speaks for itself. She’s never even reached the Top 40 before but this has already gone top 20 on downloads alone.

Beyonce’s awfully titled “B’Day” album has sunk faster than a lead balloon in the UK but the Gabrielle-ish acoustic “Irreplaceable” (****) might just be enough to resurrect its fortunes. It’s her best single since “Crazy In Love” and its simplistic charm makes it the Single of the Week.

Cassie, yet another US R&B diva, has been compared to Aaliyah but I’ve no idea why as she has none of the warmth or versatility, and her last single had probably the most monotonous vocal delivery I’ve ever heard. It’s more of the same on “Long Way To Go” (**) but the minimal futuristic production almost saves it.

The Kooks frontman Luke Pritchard recently said the UK needs a band like them at the moment. Erm..no we don’t. “Oooh La La” (**)is pretty much the same as all their previous singles. Inoffensive radio-friendly guitar pop but nothing we haven’t heard a million times before.

The Magic Numbers are back with more of the same upbeat Mamas and the Papas-style harmonies on “Take A Chance.” (***) Like the Scissor Sisters, it still sounds fresh enough for now but they’re going to have to do better for album #3.

Panic At The Disco’s “I Write Sins Not Tragedies” (****) has been around for ages but will hopefully get a better chart position second time around. It’s completely over-the-top but unlike most other dreadful emo bands, it has a sense of fun and they don’t seem to take themselves too seriously. It’s a travesty that this will probably miss the top 20 when the likes of My Chemical Romance are at #1.

Rihanna’s superb “SOS” was definitely a bit of a red-herring as instead of more electro-pop, we’ve had the turgid “Unfaithful” ballad and now “We Ride,” (**) a completely forgettable R&B dirge that have could been released any time in the last decade.

Seth Lakeman has managed to bring folk to the masses, albeit in a slightly more watered down version than his Mercury Music Prize nominated debut, with his second album Freedom Fields. "The White Hare" (****) is a lovely ballad but slightly veering into dangerous James Blunt territory.

Upper Street really do seem to be up their own arses on Totally Boyband and kicking Lee out for being talentless when they have Jimmy from 911 and Danny from NKOTB seems a little hypocritical. But their debut single “The One” (***) is much better than it ought to be thanks to its squelchy bassline and rather good chorus. I can’t see it doing much better than Lisa Scott Lee’s single though.

Extra Smug

2006-10-20T15:56:00.000+01:00

The Office stopped after two series. After seeing Thursday's finale, maybe Ricky Gervais’ Extras should have stopped after the first.

It started off so brightly as well. The opener, starring a racist Keith Chegwin and an egotistical Orlando Bloom was hilarious from start to finish and crammed more laugh out loud moments into one episode than most comedies manage in a series. The Lenny Henry gag, the catchphrase T-shirt wearing front row studio audience, the on-set handyman turning down Maggie etc.

But since then, each episode has worsened in quality, the celebrity cameos have become predictable and the storylines have become completely far-fetched. For example, Andy’s sitcom was supposed to be a critical disaster, watched by just a few million. Yet he seemed to become a celebrity on a Posh and Becks scale. Everyone recognised him, anything he did was front page news, he was invited onto chat shows and he received a BAFTA nomination, all this while his show hadn’t even finished filming.

Giving more screentime to Barry and his completely hopeless agent was an inspired move but sidelining Maggie, the most likeable character from the first series, to basically the village idiot was a mistake. She landed Andy in it so many times you started to wonder whether she was deliberately trying to sabotage her friend’s rise to stardom.

There were still a few classic moments, David Bowie’s “Chubby Little Loser” song, Chris Martin’s shameless plugs, the “Are You Having A Laugh” doll interrupting the BAFTAs, but on the whole, the series was just a little too knowing and a little too smug.

That Mitchell And Webb Look also finished its six-part run last night, and on the whole, was just as patchy.

It had its moments of brilliance - Numberwang, the piss-takes of hospital dramas and lifestyle shows, the Green Clarinet sketch etc. But it also seemed to think it was far more clever than it actually was and several sketches waffled on with no point and no punchline.

And for a show that seemed to pride itself on having very few recurring characters, why they chose the terminally dull snooker commentators to appear at least three times every episode is beyond me. It was watchable but I’d rather have a new series of Peep Show next time.

Not As Bad As You'd Expect

2006-10-18T17:10:00.000+01:00

It's being labelled commercial suicide by most reviewers, but after hearing the whole of Rudebox, Robbie Williams' new album, I, through gritted teeth, have to admit it's not that bad.

And I'm not exactly his greatest fan. I didn't mind him in Take That, I even bought the quite good first two albums. But ever since, his albums have gone blander and blander while selling more and more, and there isn't a week goes by that he isn't in the papers moaning about how "troubled he is." He almost gives Kerry Katona a run for her money in the "woe is me" stakes.

So even though I won't be shedding any tears if Rudebox spectacularly flops, I'd much rather him sell millions of albums with this rather bold new direction than him sell millions of albums with the MOR serious singer-songwriter rubbish that he did with on his last album.

The first thing you notice about Rudebox, is that for a supposedly "dance" album, there's not that much dance music on it. You're not going to find any tracks appearing on the next Ministry of Sound compilation that's for sure. And several tracks, the country tinged "Viva Life On Mars" and the uplifting "Summertime" wouldn't sound out of place on any his previous albums.

When he does venture into dance territory, it's with mixed results. "Kiss Me" is horribly dated europop, reminiscent of doomed 90s boyband 2 Third3, "Louise" is a pointless Human League cover and "Burslem Normals" is a forgettable attempt at chillout.

But it works better on one of two Pet Shop Boys collaborations, "She's Madonna," a quite lovely mid-tempo number, the retro-electro pop of "Never Touch The Switch" and "The Actor", a quite bizarre Royksopp-influenced duet which namechecks Judi Dench.

The standout track however is the next single, Lovelight, one of four covers on the album, which is the kind of soul-pop record that George Michael did so well in the 90s. It's the best thing he's done since "Feel" and might just be good enough to re-convert the fans he lost after the opinion-dividing "Rudebox."

Overall, it's a very bizarre album which is plagued by appalling attempts at rap and too many covers. But it does have its moments and it's going to be interesting to see whether Take That's new album will end up selling more this Christmas.

This week's singles

2006-10-15T17:39:00.000+01:00

The Ordinary Boys may have lost a bit of credibility thanks to Preston’s Big Brother appearance but who cares when they’re releasing songs as consistently good as their last three singles. “Lonely At The Top.” (****) sees them go back to pilfering 80s ska after their dalliance with chav-rap on “9 to 5” and despite some rather dodgy self-pitying lyrics, it’s the only contender for the Single of the Week.

Rogue Traders Natalie Bassingthwaite may be quite the mesmerising performer, but she can’t save “Watching You” (**) from being a rather weak rehash of their last single. Girls Aloud did the whole “My Sharona” sound so much better.

James Morrison’s “Wonderful World” (**) is much better than his debut single but his acclaimed “soulful” voice sounds just a little too forced to be enjoyable. John Legend is much more the real thing but is let down by such a nothingess of a song on “Save Room” (**), and Meatloaf is the second person in three weeks to release a Celine Dion cover with “It’s All Coming Back To Me Now,” (**) an even more over-blown and theatrical version of the 1996 original.

The Pet Shop Boys last single “Minimal” was their best for quite some time but the melancholic balladry of “Numb” (**) leaves me a bit cold, despite most saying it’s the standout track from the Fundamental album. Lloyd Banks returns for more cliched hip-hop on “Hands Up” (*) and Coolio continues the recent trend of unlikely comebacks, returning from obscurity with the very dated “Gangsta Walk.” (*)

The X Factor...Again

2006-10-14T20:20:00.000+01:00

Apologies for making a third post about The X Factor in less than two months but it is one of the few shows that I end up watching religiously, even though it infuriates me and entertains me in equal measures.

Tonight saw the first round of the live stages in a mammoth show that seemed to last about two years. The format is almost the same. 12 contestants. 12 karaoke songs. 12 utterly pointless and repetitive comments from the eejit. The only change is that, like the American Pop Idol, we now have musical guests of honour, Yes, if it wasn't bad enough that the finalists had to share their screentime with three bickering and petty judges, they now have to share it with popstars desperately plugging their latest single/album. I'm sure this show used to be about finding undiscovered talent?

Anyway, to the performances, which are all Motown based, a tenuous link to today's guest Lionel Richie. The younger Andy Abraham, Robert, goes first, belting out the very un-Motown All Night Long and he isn't bad. Neither is the bizarre looking Eton Road with My Girl. Thankfully the Brian Molko lookalike has put on some weight but he appears to be wearing a blouse and is stood about ten feet away from the other three members. They're all very likeable but it's hard to see who they're exactly going to appeal to.

Next is the first of the many sob-story contestants. Nikita thankfully fails to remind us about her late mother while singing, but still manages to mention it in her interview. Sympathy tactics? Of course not. She's not the first though and while her fun rendition of an uptempo Supremes-like song I've never heard of wasn't exactly earth-shattering, it'll be enough to get her through.

Ben, the obligatory rocker that Sharon always seems to favour, delivers Tracks of My Tears in a voice so growly he makes Kelly Jones sound like Joe Pasquale. It's utter rubbish of course. Just because you've got long hair and sing with your throat, it doesn't make you any more alternative than Chico. But Simon, him of the "I Loved Gareth Gates and Steve Brookstein" brigade, thinks it's the best performance in the entire history of the series. I think I enjoyed Addictive Ladies version of Superstar more.

The McDonald Brothers however, are even worse, delivering possibly the most sleep-inducing performance not only of the show, of the series, but of all time. For once, Simon gets it right. They were dreadful and should be in the bottom two tonight.

Ray, the cheeky chappie Scouser, tries hard but his performance of Ben is a bit flat and predictable. I still think he'll be in the final three though.

Dionne, the finalist with probably the least screentime so far, turns out to be one of the dark horses of the competition by being actually quite good. Unfortunately, black women just don't win these kinds of contests, no matter how superior they are to the others. Look at Brenda and Maria last year.

The Unconventionals, the rather sinister looking six-piece, perform what is probably the most shambolic display of vocal ability on Dancing In The Street, with every member singing louder and louder in an effort to be seen as the biggest star. It is pretty hideous, but it says a lot when it's not the worst performance of the night.

Ashley, the Sideshow Bob lookalike, isn't much better. He does have the most distinctive voice in the competition. Unfortunately, that distinctive voice is the sound of someone trying to sing while yawning. Again, just because he's got unusual hair, it doesn't mean he's any more interesting a performer.

Kerry, the former Song For Europe entrant and The Book Group actress keeps on telling us how she's so relieved to finally get her big chance. Hmm. Her voice is pleasant enough and her performance is the most composed and effortless of the night, but you get the feeling that's as good as she can get.

The awfully-titled 4Sure deliver a slick if a little over-rehearsed What Becomes Of The Broken Hearted. They're the best group in the competition vocally, but it's nothing you haven't seen before and I'll be surprised if they go much further than last year's similarly titled 4tune.

The last performance is by far and away the best. When you watch the US Idol shows, you realise that most of our winners wouldn't make it through the first round across the Atlantic. But Leona is in a different league, and even though she is a bit shaky, her I'll Be There rendition is good enough to be up there with the Fantasias and Kelly Clarksons of this world. If there was any justice in the fickle world of pop talent contests, she would walk it. But we all know she won't.

So to the painfully drawn out results show. And amazingly, the McDonald Brothers get through. I've an awful feeling they're going to appeal to the same demographic as the almost as dull Journey South did last year. Robert undoes all his good work before by proving to be an utter tosser, doing a lap of honour around the stage and picking his mentor Sharon, who does not look amused, up off the ground.

Not surprisingly, it's poor Dionne, one of the better performers of the night, who ends up in the bottom two. I say not surprisingly as she's one of the few not to have shamelessly banged on about a sob story and so therefore, she hasn't had anywhere near the same exposure as the other emotional blackmailers. The Unconventionals join her which is also a shame as they may have been pretty awful but at least they looked like they were having fun. The singing duel-off is completely pointless as Simon, the only mentor without an act in the bottom two, has already made clear which act he prefers, and so it is that Dionne sees another day. I think the needs to think of a sob story and quick.

Proper Bo

2006-10-14T10:40:00.000+01:00

So Bo Selecta, probably the most "love it or hate it" comedy show of recent years returned last night. I loved the first two series which were original, mischievous and often laugh out loud funny. But hated the third which disappeared up its own arse and last year's god-awful spin-off "A Bear's Tale."

If you've never seen it, it's a rather hard show to describe. The show mainly consists of intentionally wildly inaccurate impersonations of celebrities using rubber face masks and Jack Duckworth-style glasses. Hence Marilyn Manson is portrayed as an upper-class aristocrat, Michael Jackson as a foul-mouthed bad-ass and Britney Spears as an ale-swilling Northern lass.

Luckily, Leigh Francis has finally realised that it's these rubber masks that make the show so hilarious and so his other rather pitiful characters, Keith Lemon and the cringeworthy The Bear were thankfully limited to just a few painful minutes screentime in the first episode.

There was nothing as genius as Trisha "when I say rice, you say and pea," Goddard, arguably his funniest creation, but the Pete Doherty biscuit addiction sketch was inspired, Mel B was still as brilliantly offensive as ever and thanks to the addition of his wife/sister, I actually found Avid Merrion funny again. Think it's a time to give Craig David a rest though.

Films I've Seen This Week

2006-10-09T16:23:00.000+01:00

The History Boys, (**) based on the Alan Bennett play, is an early front-runner for next year's Oscars. And while in some respects, I can see why, I'm afraid this film really wasn't for me.

The barely-existent plot centres around eight grammar school boys on their journey to get accepted to Oxford University in the 1980s.

The adult performances are excellent. Richard Griffiths as the eccentric liberal Hector who has a penchant for fondling his pupils, Frances De La Tour as the wise Mrs Lintott and Clive Merrison as the highly-strung headmaster are all worthy of any Oscar talk.

But because the script is so wordy, the students' dialogue is so staged and 90% of the film takes place in the same classroom, you feel like you're watching a play being filmed rather than an actual movie.

The student characters, who I assume we're meant to love, are also highly irritating, bursting into impromptu songs, skits and poetry readings every five minutes. Nothing they say or do seems real and in the end, you don't particularly care about the outcome.

Just Like Heaven (**) is a total contrast. Light, frothy and completely ridiculous. Gardener David (Mark Ruffalo) starts to see visions of a young woman when he moves into a new apartment. Thinking he's insane, he then finds out it's the spirit of Elizabeth (Reese Witherspoon), a hot-shot doctor who fell into a coma after being injured in a car crash. After finding out her life support machine is soon to be switched off, with the help of David, she must find a way to save her own life.

Witherspoon and Ruffalo are usually brilliant in everything they do, but here it feels like they're coasting along, almost embarrassed to be in a movie with such a ludicrous premise. Napoleon Dynamite's Jon Heder is also wasted as a psychic slacker and the ending is cornier than a bowl of corn flakes. After Witherspoon's Oscar triumph, I don't think we'll be seeing her in anything as fluffy as this for a while.

When A Stranger Calls (*) has to be the lamest excuse for a horror movie I've ever seen. Schoolgirl Jill (Camilla Belle) is babysitting at a rather unique lakeside mansion when she starts to receive disturbing phone calls from a mystery man. And that is it!

Apart from a few insignificant deaths, the whole film revolves around Jill answering the phone, being scared for a few minutes, walking slowly down a hallway and opening a door only to find there's no-one there. And this happens every five minutes. Any hope of there being a dramatic revelation at the end which will make the torturous previous 80 mins at least count for something (e.g. who is the caller? why is he targeting Jill?) are shattered when you find out that the killer is a completely random guy who has no motive whatsoever. Utterly pointless. An episode of Where The Heart Is will give you more frights.

This Week's Singles

2006-10-08T18:14:00.000+01:00

In an extremely poor week for singles, it's only two re-releases that are worthy of any attention.

Firstly, Mercury Music Prize nominees Hot Chip with "Over and Over." (****) Ignored first time around , it now seems to be a staple of the music channels thanks to its genius green screen video which is just as fun as the record. Combining electro-pop, guitar solos, an eye test recital and lyrics about monkeys with miniature cymbals, it is a bizarre but completely infectious record which will hopefully chart a lot higher this time around.

And secondly, Corinne Bailey Rae with the lovely "Like A Star." (***) It's becoming the norm to criticise Rae in the same way Dido was for being too "coffee-table", which is rather unfair in my opinion, and seems to only be happening because she's actually selling records. Put Your Records On became irritating due to overplay, but this and her last single have both been lovely, effortless, chillout soul. It does sound out of place in the middle of October though.

Blazin Squad seem to have more lives than a cat. Despite selling zero albums, losing virtually all their members and and indeed their most high-profile, Kenzie, they're back, with a more "mature" i.e. (less chav) sound for what will be their third album. There's only four of them now, and while "All Night Long" (**) is pleasant enough watered-down R&B similar to Craig David's recent stuff, it's not going to be enough to make anybody pay attention.

The Beatfreakz do the usual thing that most novelty dance acts do and release a record almost exactly the same as your first with "Superfreak" (*), Luther Vandross releases his first post-humous single with "Shine." (**) Hopefully that will be it and the record company won't try and do a Tupac and milk all his unheard, "wasn't good enough to be released when he was around" material for all they can, and The Webb Sisters release more MOR country-rock with their second single "Still The Only One", (***) which will fill The Corrs-shaped voice nicely enough for now.

Worst single of the week, and unfortunately, probably the biggest contender for #1 next week is the hideously overblown "Welcome To The Black Parade" (no stars) by the woeful My Chemical Romance. I know this is probably an unpopular opinion at the moment but has there ever been a more contrived music genre than emo?

Why Am I Still Watching It?

2006-10-02T17:45:00.000+01:00

So we're finally at the boot camp stages on The X Factor after what seems like months and months of the most over-produced audition footage in history. The two Saturday shows saw Simon, Sharon and the eejit whittle down their mostly average contestants to just eight for next week's final selection process.

You'd think that after seeing every contestant first time round, we'd be spared hearing the sob-stories again. But no, at every opportunity, the repetitive Kate Thornton narration reminded us how so-and-so had fought such adversity to be there. Now I do feel sorry for the people like the lady caught up in the bomb blast, the young girl whose mother died, the lady who broke their back and admire them for getting on with their lives. But that's totally irrelevant to what the show is supposed to be about. It's not supposed to be a Pride Of Britain Awards musical.

I'm sure it's not them. I'm sure it's the producers coaxing them into revealing every detail of their personal tragedy in order to create the "human interest" angle. But they really are made to look like sad, rather manipulative individuals who will do anything to get to the next round. You end up sitting there shouting "Have a bit of self-respect for yourself. Get through on your own merit." The thing is, most of the sob-story contestants are actually quite good. But because of their constant sympathy vote tactics, you lose any sympathy you may have had.

Anyway, the twenty-four left, are on the whole, a rather uninspiring bunch.

Simon's got the under 25s and hasn't done himself any favours at all by letting nervous schoolboy Shaun in. Nothing against him personally as he seems like a very nice lad. But it's ridiculous that he made it through to the second round, let alone the final eight. Yes, I'm sure a lot of mums and grandmas will think he's adorable but if that's the basis that someone can get through, then they might as well forget about the singing side and just turn the whole charade into a cutest baby contest.

Ashley, the Macy Gray lookalike, has an unusual voice but so does Janet Street Porter and I wouldn't want to hear her belt out a quite frankly hideous version of Be My Baby either. The only ones to have made any impression on me was Raymond, the chirpy Scouser who used to be in Brookside, who is actually very good and Leona, a Javine lookalike who's probably the best singer left in the competition. The rest are non-descript and I'll be amazed if any of them get through due to the fact they haven't been given more than ten seconds airtime between them.

Sharon did really well with the over 25s last year (who would have thought Chico would have gone on to have a #1?) but it looks like she might have her work cut out this year. The eight left are a mixture of carbon-copy Rowettas, Andy Abrahams and Marias. All very talented but nothing to get too excited about. The only interesting thing will be to see how far Kerry gets. Either way, Sharon can't win. Put her through and she'll be accused of tokenism. Send her home and she'll be accused of discrimination.

The eejit managed to bring someone even more unlikeable than him, Kian from Westlife, to help him choose his final eight. Not surprisingly, it was mostly dated boybands that got picked. Avenue, we already know get chucked out for already having a lucrative management deal, Eton Road, who have a skeletal Brian Molko lookalike as their frontman and the imaginatively titled McDonald Brothers, who are basically a carbon copy Journey South. My favourite at the moment is the cute and cutely-named Dolly Rockers, who aren't exactly the greatest singers in the world but have a fun and down to earth pre-fame Spice Girls look about them. I also liked Identical, who may have only been one step up from The Cheeky Girls but looked like they were enjoying themselves and were the most entertaining out of the whole bunch. Of course they weren't bland enough and so didn't make it.

So it doesn't look like we're going to get a Will Young out of this series. Or even a Jessica Garlick. But despite every brain cell telling me it's cynical, contrived rubbish, I'll still be watching it every Saturday. It's just too addictive to ignore.

This Week's New Singles

2006-09-30T17:08:00.000+01:00

It may be a week scarce on big new releases, but it does provide perhaps two of the most unlikeliest chart comebacks of the year.

It's been nine years since Gina G last graced the Top 40. Since then we've seen her being booted out early on Reborn In The USA, her completely pointless Song For Europe entry but at last she gets a chance to release something again. And "Tonight's The Night" (****) is actually pretty good in a sub-par Dannii Minogue kinda way. The sending-herself-up video is also very funny and it's a shame that this will probably miss the top 75 altogether.

It's been even longer since David Hasselhoff's solitary hit single in 1993. But now witnessing a renaissance thanks to his autobiography and appearance in the new Adam Sandler film, he's back to unleash his deadly 80s perm on us again. "Jump In My Car" is literally unreviewable. Yes, it's bad. It is really bad. But just when you think he's seriously trying to be the next Billy Ray Cyrus, the whole chorus flips on its head, he proves that he does have a sense of humour and you actually end up quite liking it. Radio 1's Scott Mills has been campaigning for this to get to #1. It certainly wouldn't be the worst we've had this year.

Nerina Pallot's inconsistent career doesn't look like changing with the bizarre decision to release "Sophia" (***) as the second single from the rather good Fires album. A lovely Sarah McLachlan piano-led ballad it may be, but single material it is not.

What on earth has happened to Bob Sinclair. It was only six years ago that he released the anthemic "Feel For You", now he's reduced to whistling songs and novelty garbage like "Rock This Party" (*) , a Jive Bunny-style megamix of early 90s dance featuring a Fatman Scoop soundalike. The video may be cute but come on.

Nicole Sherzinger releases what will surely be the first of many attempts to break free from The Pussycat Dolls. Let's face it, the other girls are about as useful as a chocolate fireguard but she's going to have to do better than this P.Diddy duet if she wants to go solo. "Come To Me" (**) is as pedestrian as R&B gets.

Ross Copperman may not have the most showbiz name but despite it being a hybrid of every Coldplay, Muse and Radiohead song you've ever heard, "As I Choke" (****) ties with Gina G for Single Of The Week.

Razorlight continue to sound like this decade's Boomtown Rats with "America" (***). Not something the world exactly needed and the hyperbole over their new album ("the best guitar album since Definitely Maybe" according to Q magazine) is complete claptrap. But worryingly, this is the third single I've liked from them in a row.

Elsewhere Javine attempts yet another comeback by teaming up with dance producers Soul Avengers on the formulaic "Don't Let The Morning Come" (**), Yummy Bingham, surely not her real name, screeches her way through the tuneless "Come Get It" (*) and Ne-Yo is still as slushy and schmaltzy as ever on "Stay." (**)

The Most Defeatist Album In The World...Ever?

2006-09-29T20:20:00.000+01:00

Has there ever been a more blatant admission that your best days are behind you than "Stop The Clocks," the new Oasis Best Of?

Of course, everyone knows that the band haven't been of any relevance since shell-suits were seen as the height of fashion but you wouldn't really expect them to admit it too. Yet one look at the tracklisting of the forthcoming compilation and you'll see that a staggering 14 out of the 18 songs are singles, album tracks and B-sides from the Definitely Maybe/ What's The Story...Morning Glory era.

So despite having four more albums of material to choose from, they chose more than two thirds from their first two albums. So there's no room for #1s D'You Know What I Mean, All Around The World or The Hindu Times, no room for Roll With It, a song responsible for the biggest chart battle of the 90s, and no room for arguably their best single, Whatever.

So what is the point exactly? They've completely alienated the casual buyer who wouldn't think of buying a studio album, but would consider buying an album with all the hits. And if you did want these songs, you'd probably be better just buying the first two albums, which are always pretty cheap anyway.

The album title says it all. They obviously wish they could have stopped them back in 1996.

Word On The Street

2006-09-29T15:28:00.000+01:00

Corrie has been pretty poor this year, the ridiculous Jason and Sarah wedding, the awful Adam Baldwin and his even more awful haircut, Dev and his bratty daughter etc. Hardly vintage stuff. But these last few weeks have gone some way in re-addressing the balance and it's now worth watching again thanks to several entertaining if unspectacular storylines.

I don't think anyone was excited about Kym Marsh's character, Michelle, coming back but since she started pulling pints in the Rovers, she's become a welcome addition and her bitch-fests with Liz have been very funny, as have the spats between her brother Liam, the most Manc person ever, and Danny Baldwin.

The whole "does Jamie love Sean storyline" is totally ridiculous (even Jack Duckworth would be more preferable than the walking cliched wet lettuce) but it does at least give more screentime to the excellent Jenny Platt as the confused and desperate Violet.

And tonight, we'll hopefully get to see the brilliantly slimy Charlie get his come-uppance when he finds out his former doormat Shelley is pregnant with his baby. And his equally hideous girlfriend Tracy knows.

And in the next few weeks, there's a death before a wedding, a teenage couple runaway and the devil-child himself, David Platt continues to be as satanic as possible. Even the worst episode of Corrie is usually better than the best the hopeless Eastenders can offer, which makes the latter's triumph at this week's Inside Soap Awards even more laughable.

Battle Of The Girlbands

2006-09-27T16:28:00.000+01:00

So you wait for one decent girlband song and then three come along at once.

The new Girls Aloud song "Something Kinda Oooh" follows the same formula as all their other up-tempo stuff. Four songs rolled into one. Check. Nonsensical lyrics. Check. More hooks than a pirate convention. Check. It's never going to convert any new fans but if you haven't been seduced by the most inventive pop group this decade yet, I don't think you ever will be. It's a shame that they didn't have the guts to release a fourth album instead of the obligatory three studio albums then a Greatest Hits. But from the look of the quite frankly astonishingly bad accompanying video and the behind the scenes Off The Record series, they just don't seem bothered anymore. It would take a brave man to bet against them splitting up after they've done all the promotion.

Reuniting 90s groups might be all the rage these days but I don't think anyone believed All Saints would join in. While promoting their last single, the group weren't speaking to each other, the Appleton book seemed to rub more salt into the wound, and after Natalie's shambolic appearance on I'm A Celebrity..., would anyone want to see them back? Well from the sound of their comeback single, Rock Steady, then yes.

It's not a patch on their glorious back to back William-Orbit produced singles Pure Shores and Black Coffee. But it's not an embarrassment either. Sounding very much like Girls Aloud meets Lily Allen, Rock Steady is quirky ska-pop with a pretty infectious chorus that should guarantee them top five at least.

You can usually rely on an absolute killer first single from the Sugababes, see Freak Like Me, Hole In the Head, Push The Button. But "Easy" is fairly disappointing on first listen. The minimal R&B sound of the verses doesn't promise much and when the chorus comes, it all seems a bit lacklustre. It is a grower but it sounds much more like an album track than a lead single and it doesn't bode well for their third line-up change.

None of the three singles are in the same league as their respective best stuff but it's good to have three really good girl groups around in this barren time for pop music, and it'll be interesting to see who charts higher when they're released next month. My money's on All Saints.

This Week's Singles

2006-09-24T12:05:00.000+01:00

It's quite a week for new singles with several big names all releasing this week. Unfortunately, most of them are just rubbish. The gruesome pairing of Leann Rimes and Bryan McFadden being perhaps the worst, managing to do the impossible and out-bore Lemar's latest single. "Everybody's Someone" (no stars) is quite simply the most wishy-washy, dull and so inoffensive-it's-offensive record of the year and I defy anyone not to fall asleep while listening to it.

The Streets continue their descent into self-pitying parody with "Prangin Out" (**), US5, the most ridiculous and mis-timed pop group of all time attempt to break the UK with the laughable sub-Ricky Martin latin-pop of "Maria". (no stars) And OK Go's "Here It Goes Again" (*) is the complete opposite to the new Girls Aloud song. Great video, awful song.

It gets a bit better with The Pussycat Dolls who release what seems like the sixty-fourth single from their debut album but is actually only the fifth with "I Don't Need A Man" (***). They may be the most non-descript girlband around (would anyone really notice if the four who never actually sing were replaced by cardboard cut-outs?) but they sure know how to put out some pretty decent pop songs. Unlike most fifth singles, which usually sound like the bottom of a barrel being scraped, this has enough energy to be a lead single and indeed, single of the week.

Paolo Nutini is yet another dull singer-songwriter riding on the crest of the colossal James Blunt wave. Just because he plays the guitar and has long hair, it doesn't make him any more worthy than say, Will Young. He also sounds like he couldn't be bothered on "Jenny Don't Be Hasty" (*). James Dean Bradfield's "An English Gentlemen" (**) is much better but that's not saying much. And how Lionel Richie hasn't been filed a lawsuit for "I Call It Love" (**) is beyond me as it is basically a carbon-copy merge of Ne-Yo's last two singles.

Lily Allen's "LDN" (***) is just as charming as her last single, Lil Chris from Rock School's "Checkin It Out" (***) is surprisingly half-decent despite some bizarre wobbly vocals and former Destiny's Child member LeToya's "Torn," (**) unfortunately not a Natalie Imbruglia cover, is classy but still rather tiresome R&B.

Evanescence still seem to think it's 2003 again. "Call Me When You're Sober" (**) makes no attempt to even slightly change the overblown nu-metal pop sound of their debut, and therefore sounds already quite dated. Chris Lake's "Changes" (**) is another generic dance "anthem" which goes absolutely nowhere and All American Rejects enter the Bon Jovi power-ballad market with "It Ends Tonight." (***) Corny it may be but I kinda like it.

Films I've Seen This Week

2006-09-23T11:10:00.000+01:00

Battle Royale (*****) has been one of those films that I’ve really wanted to see but just never got round to until the now-free Film 4 showed it last weekend. And now it’s probably entered my top ten films of all time.

A group of classmates are drugged on a school trip and taken to a mysterious island where they are then told by their teacher they are about to enter a sadistic game. They have three days to kill each other in a battle of survival until there is just one left. If they don’t, they will all be killed by an exploding ring that has been placed around their neck.

While some kids relish this challenge and set off to murder as many as they can, some simply give in, while some attempt to find a way to thwart the evil authority overseeing the game.

The cinematography is stunning, giving it an almost post-apocalyptic feel, the pace never slows from the outset and despite the horiffic Lord Of The Flies scenario, there is still touches of humour, both intentional, the almost MTV-inspired instruction video in particular, and unintentional, the amount of times a person will come back to life after being blasted close range 100 tims does require a certain amount of disbelief.

The actual killings are inventive, the classical music blasted over the tannoy is inspired, and the back stories to explain the motives of the children means that the characters are not as one-dimensional as they could have been, particularly Yannahara, whose tragic history of his parents, makes his refusal to kill and his desire to protect his best friend even more poignant.

This is a world cinema masterpiece that even subtitle-phobics will enjoy.

The Business (***) is a rather enjoyable trip through the 80s starring Danny Dyer, who yet again teams up with director Nick Love for another crime flick, this time about British drug barons in the Costa Del Sol.

Dyer plays Frankie, who after killing his mum’s abusive partner flees to Malaga where he meets super-suave playboy Charlie, who takes him under his wing and introuduces him to a life of organised crime.

British gangster-style movies are not exactly my thing, but this worked thanks to the the excellent soundtrack, the balance of black humour and sometimes shocking violence and Dyer, who is excellent as the innocent but cheeky Cockney wideboy who turns into a ruthless gun-toting cokehead.

Children of Men (****) is without doubt, the best film I’ve seen at the cinema all year.

Set in 2027, the world is in crisis as no children have been born for 20 years due to all women becoming infertile. The streets of Britain are also in utter chaos due to out of control immigration where “fugees” are thrown in cages to await deporation.

Theo (Clive Owen), is abducted by a secret society, the head of which is his ex-girlfriend (Julianne Moore), and asked to get papers to transport a woman named Kee, who is holding a secret that will change the world, out of the country.

The film is utterly relentless in its power to leave you on the edge of your seat. The action, which focuses on the war between rebels and the armed forces is astonishingly powerful, the performances, particularly reluctant hero Owen, are excellent and there is one big shock you never see coming after only half an hour that ensures the film is never going to be predictable.

Slam Dunk Da Funk

2006-09-20T15:00:00.000+01:00

Is it just me or is this whole pop-group-getting-back-together thing getting a little ridiculous? The Take That and East 17 reunions, I can understand. Ten years have passed since they were at their peak, enough time for solo careers of varying success, enough time for their fans to grow up and so enough time for an announcement of them reforming to be seen as an event.

But is there any need for Five, a group whose last single was less than five years ago to jump on the 90s nostalgia bandwagon?

Now, I actually quite liked Five, or should I say, 5ive. They were everything a boyband should be. They made great pop singles, didn't take themselves too seriously and showed up Westlife for the cesspool of Daniel O'Donnell impersonators that they were. They also gained a lot of respect by quitting, like Take That and Busted did, while they were at the top of their game. But to reform so soon after seems to defeat the object a little. Who's next? One True Voice?

I hope they succeed because pop music needs a good boyband at the moment but I honestly don't think enough people will care.

Shame On You Polydor Records

2006-09-20T14:15:00.000+01:00

I've loved the UK Top 40 ever since I was at primary school, listening to Bruno Brookes and taping all the songs I liked. It's a simple format. A compilation of the top 40 best-selling singles of that week. So it's a shame that despite all the changes that have happened this year, no-one can still seem to fathom how it should work.

This week, the OCC and music retailers have finally seen sense and from next year, all downloads will count towards the singles chart, not just from a week before its release like it is now. And about time too.

Now I'm quite archaic when it comes to purchasing music. I like having the artwork, the credits, the actual CD, something physical to show for your money and feel it's quite sad that the physical end of the singles market has been dying a slow death these past few years.

But I'm in the minority here and as the download market continues to increase, the chart should reflect what people are buying, whether it's two months before it's released in the shops, or six months after it's gone to #1. It was a ridiculous situation that The Scissor Sisters, Justin Timberlake and Gnarls Barkley had already sold bucketloads of their #1 singles by the time they were chart eligible but missed out on a few more rightly-deserved weeks in the top ten because of a pointless regulation.

But just when you think the chart is making progress, along comes Polydor Records to spoil it all. Thanks to downloads, the chart is becoming less predictable. Whereas a song would usually peak in its first week of release then plummet, now acts like Sandi Thom, Shakira and James Blunt have actually climbed to #1 and songs are regularly climbing inside the top ten, a situation unthinkable a few years ago.

One of those songs is Chasing Cars by Snow Patrol, which has inexplicably now been deleted by Polydor Records, meaning that despite it actually increasing its sales by 35% this week, it will drop from #8 to outside the chart altogether this weekend.

The deletion of singles has been happening for donkey's years, the first I remember being Wet Wet Wet's "Love Is All Around" in 1994 and are usually done to either a) give a forthcoming single by the same act the chance to gain more airplay and not be overshadowed by its previous hit or more recently b) if a hit single's parent album is struggling, the single will be deleted so then the only way to get the song would be to buy the album hence more profits for the record company.

Now this tactic worked before downloads but what is the point now? You can download any individual song you want at any time. The Snow Patrol song probably hadn't reached its peak position and the album actually went back up to #1 a few weeks ago, meaning that people were buying both the single and album.

The great thing about the UK chart is that unlike the US Billboard chart, with its ludicrous airplay inclusion, it's based entirely on what people are buying. The likes of Gnarls Barkley, Peter Kay and Shayne Ward have all proved recently that there are singles that will excite people enough to go and buy them in their hundreds of thousands. But by robbing a single of a higher chart position just to get a few more album sales, the singles chart is becoming completely distorted and is losing any meaning or credibility it had. *Chart anorak rant over*

Totally Deluded?

2006-09-18T17:08:00.000+01:00

MTV UK might be a load of Yank-centric rubbish most of the time (does anyone outside the US know who Master P is? So why do we need to see his "Cribs" about ten times every week?) but it really does excel when it comes to commissioning their own reality shows. After the excellent car-crash series that was Totally Scott-Lee comes the follow up, Totally Boyband.

The concept is simple. To follow around a newly-created boyband supergroup made up of five singers who combined have "apparently" sold 80 million records worldwide. But you wouldn't be able to laugh at the show if it were former pop stars who actually had talent, Gary Barlow, Tony Mortimer etc. So instead we get a group made up mostly of people who never actually sang on their records. Now I'm no expert on these particular groups but I don't ever remember hearing Jimmy Constable singing on a 911 record, the same with Danny Wood for NKOTB and Lee from Steps (apart from the rap on 5,6,7,8 of course).

Now Bradley from S Club 7 did sing on quite a few singles but he will always be etched on my memory for his astonishing tone-deaf rendition of Don't Stop Movin at the Queen's Jubilee concert which made Geri Halliwell sound like a choir of angels. It was that bad.

So you do have to feel sorry for the only genuinely talented member of the group, Dane Bowers, who was the frontman of Another Level and is the only one to have actually had a solo, however brief, career. At the beginning of the decade he had worked with Jay-Z and Ghostface Killah. Now he's working with a former-drug addict midget, a man approaching 40 whose last hit was probably when Bowers was at primary school and Lee from Steps. It could have been worse I suppose. It could have been H.

Anyway, in last night's first show, it was made clear that the majority of them were pretty embarrassed about their pop past which is a shame as Steps, S Club 7 and Another Level have all had their moments of half-decentness. But now it's credibility they're after and so we now get lots of pretentious talk like "we need to feel the vibe," "I can't wait to jam in the studio" and how they want to write their first single.

Well you can hear a minute of their finished single on their official website http://www.upperstreet4u.com/news/content.asp?NewsID=3". Needless to say, it's Dane Bowers on lead vocals, and even though it's not particularly bad, it still sounds like a Blue b-side from 2001. They're 9/2 at the bookies to get to #1. I'd go evens they won't even reach the top ten.

Singles Out Tomorrow

2006-09-17T12:14:00.000+01:00

You’d be forgiven for thinking you’re in some kind of timewarp looking at some of the new singles out this week. Tasmin Archer, The Bluetones, Papa Roach and Steve Brookstein of all people all attempt to climb out of obscurity by releasing new songs this week. Unfortunately, or probably fortunately in the case of the latter, two, I haven’t heard any of them.

But I have had the misfortune to listen to Janet Jackson’s truly dreadful “Call On Me.” (*) After the Superbowl incident and her very poor last two albums, Janet Jackson needed something pretty spectacular to reignite her career. And she must have thought she was onto a winner by bringing Jermaine Dupri on board, the man who masterminded Mariah Carey’s surprise return to form last year. But she wasn’t. Completely lacking any kind of tune, the vocals are almost inaudible due to Janet’s increasingly bizarre tendency to whisper rather than sing, and the inclusion of Nelly, a cynical attempt to gain more credibility and appeal to the chav audience, adds precisely nothing. The pointless big budget video also shows up the zero chemistry between the pair, and their attempt to bump and grind with each other provides one of the most excruciatingly embarrassing video moments of the year.

Keisha White’s been in the papers this week, slagging off the likes of Jamelia and Alesha, arguing that no-one will remember them in five years time. She should maybe take a look at her own music first. “I Choose Life,” (**) a pleasant enough but bland cover of a Celine Dion song, is hardly likely to stick in people’s memories for more than five minutes.

Single of the week comes from The Killers. “When You Were Young” (****) is a homage to Bruce Springsteen-style stadium rock that’s even more over-the-top than the Hot Fuss album. Not sure about Brandon Flowers’ facial hair though.

The Automatic’s “Recover” (***) is more of the same shouty chorus rock but is not different enough to shake off their novelty hit status after Monster. Bedouin Soundclash’s “When The Night Feels My Song” (*) is the re-released Bob Marley-lite tune off the T-Mobile ad which was highly annoying the first time round. Lola’s "No Strings" (***) is a record about sex which lyrically doesn’t believe in any clever metaphors, but while the Alicia Keys-attempt at a soulful ballad is hideous, the Europop remix is actually quite good in a Cher’s Believe kind of way.

The Zutons 60s saxophone-pop finally becomes a little irritating on “Oh Stacey” (**), Route 33 carry on where Deepest Blue left off with the rather good chillout dance of “Looking Back” (***) and Scott Matthews “Elusive” (*) is yet another solo male guitarist singer-songwriter bore-fest so dull that he makes Jose Gonzales sound like the Cheeky Girls.

Moviewatch

2006-09-16T11:09:00.000+01:00

After the death of Steve Irwin two weeks ago, comes another tale of an animal lover whose thirst for danger ended in tragedy. "Grizzly Man" (****) follows the story of Timothy Treadwell, an ultimately sad and disturbed individual who was not only obsessed with studying grizzly bears in their natural habitat of Alaska, but also wanted to be one.

Treadwell spent months every year living in the wilderness amongst the bears, capturing footage and presenting his own nature show, the footage of which makes up the bulk of this powerful and compelling documentary. His arrogant belief that he was above the laws of nature eventually led to his death when he and his girlfriend were killed by one of the bears he so loved, the audio footage of which was recorded but is not heard in the film.

It would have been easy to paint the eccentric Treadwell as some delusional fruitcake, but director Wender Herzog has made a well-balanced film which enables the viewer to make up their own minds whether he was actually doing good or harm in his efforts to conserve the animals. The interviews with former colleagues and friends are moving, the actual footage of the bears captured by Treadwell is often breath-taking and there is one scene, involving a very disturbing coroner seemingly taking great pleasure in revealing the gruesome facts, which will stun you in disbelief.

"Hostel" (***) is a disturbing film for altogether different reasons. The second film from Eli Roth divided fans on its cinema release, some hailing it as the perfect antidote to the lame gore-free generic US teen-horror flicks (see House of Wax), while some labelled it as basically an excuse to mix soft-porn with gratuitous violence. I'm sort of in the middle. The first half IS nothing more than low-budget soft-porn and the hedonistic "dumb jock" nature of the three main characters actually make you long for them to die a slow painful death. But when the horror does start, it is occasionally terrifying.

The location itself, Slovakia, is truly unsettling and it's no surprise that the country's officials objected to its portrayal of murderous hookers, thieving street children and torture chambers. There are two particularly gruesome scenes, one involving the removal of toes, the other the removal of an eye, which even the most un-squeamish person will find it hard not to turn away from. And like the recent The Hills Have Eyes, the whole film does make you feel a little dirty having watched it. It may rip-off a thousand other 70s low budget horror films but it's good to see a horror movie which doesn't shy away from sickening audiences.

Finishing a trilogy of completely different but completely unsettling movies is "Right At Your Door" (**), a relentlessly depressing film which makes Requiem For A Dream look like Finding Nemo. Based on a "what would you do?" scenario, this low-budget disaster movie, centres around a married couple caught up in the middle of a chemical bomb attack in Los Angeles.

Definitely the most bizarre disaster movie I've seen in that you don't actually get to see the disaster, save from a few long distance shots of some smoke clouds. Instead the action takes place inside one house, which is sealed off by husband Brad and rather randomly, his next door neighbour's handyman, when news of deadly toxic fumes spreads. Unfortunately wife Lexi was driving to work when it happened and is already nearly foaming at the mouth when she manages to return to her now Fort Knox of a home. Should her loving husband Brad let her in the house and possibly contaminate the two unaffected people? Or should he lock her out of the house to die? That's the question.

What would have made a good hour TV docu-drama is stretched to within breaking point over nearly two hours. Barely anything happens and despite two rather good lead performances, you find yourself not really caring what happens by the end, which ultimately spoils what is a rather good twist and abrupt shocking ending.

Corporate and Comedy

2006-09-14T17:19:00.000+01:00

It's not often that BBC2 has four must-see programmes in one night. It's rare for BBC2 to have one must-see programme in one night. But tonight's line up of Dragon's Den, Extras, That Mitchell and Webb Look and The US Apprentice must be the best line up of any channel this year.

The first few series of Dragon's Den somehow completely passed me by and I only stumbled upon this one by accident. But now, I think it's the best thing on TV.

Set up like a businessman's Pop Idol, the show revolves around wannabe-entrepreneurs pitching their products in an attempt to persuade five successful multi-millionaires, the "dragons", to invest in their business. And like Pop Idol, it's the utterly clueless people thar provide the most entertainment. So far this series we've had life-changing inventions such as a cucumber preserver, a mobile church bells service and some kind of felt-tip pen that didn't actually work. And they're the better ones.

The one major flaw is that the show is utterly predictable. The first pitch is always done by someone who is on the verge of tears they're that nervous, the pitch in the middle usually interests one of the dragons enough to make an offer but it's usually too high and they get turned down. And the final pitch is always the one that gets the deal. Changing the running order once in a while wouldn't hurt.

I'm probably one of the few people who never got The Office. Yes, I'm sure it was clever but I didn't find it funny at all. However, Extras is excellent. Ricky Gervais just about manages to reign in his usual air of smugness enough to actually make his character and his scene-stealing best friend Maggie likeable, the celebrity cameos work really well and aren't self-conscious enough to make you think the only reason they're doing it is to prove they're able to laugh at themselves. And most importantly, it's very very funny. The Les Dennis episode last series was the most hilarious and at the same time, downright tragic, show of last year.

I've no idea if That Mitchell and Webb Look is any good but the trailer looks good, it's got great reviews and if it's even just a tenth as good as Peep Show, probably the best comedy show this decade, then it'll be worth watching.

Bend It Like Timmy Mallett?

2006-09-11T22:22:00.000+01:00

I'm not exactly a huge fan of shows where celebrities attempt to master a particular skill. Showjumping, ice-skating and ballroom dancing don't interest me in the slightest usually, and just because a few random D-listers are involved, that doesn't mean that's going to change.

There are two exceptions though. Channel 4's "The Games" and Sky One's "The Match" which returned for a third series last night. The Match excels where others fail in that the contestants aren't in it for the money, or to boost their profile. They're in it for the thrill of scoring a goal, making a last ditch-tackle or saving a penalty in front of 52,000 fans at St. James Park, the closest any of them will get to achieve their childhood ambition of playing in an F.A. Cup Final. And it's the determination to make this happen is what makes the show so appealing. And the look on their faces when they're told they're not going to.

Last night saw 70 wannabe footballers, with varying degrees of fame (how did the awful Mikey from Big Brother get this gig?), attempt to impress the very likeable Graham Taylor enough to warrant their selection to the next round. And even if you aren't a football fan, there was still a lot of fun to be had watching how so many former celebs have let themselves go, (Mark Bosnich in particular looks like he's started to eat the footballs, rather than play with them), how many fragile egos throw their dummies out when they're not picked, (Fame Academy's David Grant throwing the biggest tantrum last night), and witnessing bizarre sights such as Timmy Mallett, fully equipped with a Japanese bandana, nearly keeling over doing the Bleep Test. Not surprisingly, he didn't make it.

Singles Out Tomorrow

2006-09-10T13:17:00.000+01:00

Despite myself, I can’t help but think Fergie’s debut single “London Bridge” (***) is actually not that bad, thanks to its Hollaback Girl style chorus which firmly lodges itself inside your brain. It may be a chav anthem in the making but considering the Black Eyed Peas are probably the most irritating musical act of recent times, it could have been a lot worse.

Single of the week, without a shadow of a doubt, is the superb comeback from Jamelia, “Something About You,” (****) which veers away from the R&B pop of her first two albums, and instead goes for the ubiqutuous Kelly Clarkson pop-rock sound while cleverly still sounding fresh. She definitely is one of the best pop stars we’ve got at the moment.

Elsewhere, in a poor week for singles, only the bizarre “We’re from Barcelona” (***) by I’m From Barcelona, is worthy of any attention. Sounding like a Swedish Polyphonic Spree, it could have come direct from some 80s cheesy musical but is ultimately uplifting and insanely catchy.

US R&B girl group Cherish’s debut single “Do It To It” (*) has no discernible tune whatsoever and only makes you long to have someone half as good as TLC or Destiny’s Child back. Lostprophets, the emo band it’s ok to like, return with their second single, "A Town Called Hypocrisy" (**), but after the pretty good “Rooftops”, this time, it’s a case of same old, same old. The kids TV-inspired video is a lot more fun.

Jill Scott’s superb vocals aren’t enough to save Lupe Fiasco’s lazily sampled “Daydream”, (**) Get Cape Wear Cape Fly's "The Chronicles Of A Bohemian Teenager" (*) is as pretentious as its title suggests and The Guillemots "Train To Brazil" (**) is a disappointing follow-up to the superb "Made Up Love Song #41."

And finally, I’ll be surprised if anyone can actually notice when Katie Melua’s “It’s Only Pain” (*) is actually playing. So utterly non-descript, this is background music of the worst kind. She is capable of coming up with some really charming if twee acoustic easy-listening sometimes but this is just rubbish.

Hollyoaks In Rather Good Shocker!

2006-09-09T17:10:00.000+01:00

Yes, the whole thing was ridiculous. Sam went from being quite a sensitive, mid-mannered nice guy to a easily-influenced drug-rapist to a psychotic mass murderer within a matter of months. But, and I won't say this often, last night's Hollyoaks was really really good.

The standard of writing and acting is usually amateurish at best, but there were several good performances, some decent special effects which put Emmerdale's recent explosion to shame and a few fantastic scenes which managed to combine both tragedy and some rather dark comedy. The scene where Zoe phoned Joe, only to find the ringtone was coming from a body bag. The scene where Clare seemed to be desperately trying not to smile after seeing OB, who had video evidence of her quickie with Warren, carted off to the hospital.

The deaths of the twins, who'd improved a lot lately, were also genuinely quite upsetting and even though Joe and Olivia had been not much more than extras recently, I would have still preferred the likes of Jessica, the horrendous Rhys and Gilly, and the even more horrendous new Irish student to perish instead.

No doubt Hollyoaks will re-address the balance and go back to being consistently bad pretty soon. I'm sure we'll have months of Sonny Valentine, the worst soap character ever, moaning about his brother saving his mother's killer to look forward to. But for now, it deserves to be applauded and at the very least, it deserves a few soap awards next year.

This Week, I Have Been Mostly Watching.....

2006-09-07T21:10:00.000+01:00

Having joined an online DVD rental service a few months ago, I end up watching quite a fair few movies a week, just to get the most out of my £13.99 a month. And while it does give you the chance to watch movies you missed out on at the cinema, a lot of them tend to be god-awful straight-to-video films that I would never usually even think about watching usually. American Pie: Band Camp and Single White Female 2 being the lowest of the low at the moment. This week’s selection was a pretty mixed bunch.

Jarhead (****) got absolutely slated when it came out in the cinema. But having watched it last night, I have no idea why. It’s probably the most enjoyable war film I’ve seen. Although I think I’ve probably only seen about three. Sure not much happens, but considering the film is about the boredom and tension of waiting for combat, that’s the whole point. Jake Gyllenhaal is excellent as the intense marine sniper Anthony Swofford, it’s beautifully shot and has a great soundtrack. If you expect it to be on the same headache-inducing level as Black Hawk Down, you’ll be disappointed. Otherwise, it’s an authentic and humorous look at an experience of the Gulf War you don’t often get to see.

Cry Wolf (***), a teen horror about a group of students who become terrified when a fictional tale of a serial killer they made up in an email, starts to become reality, is much cleverer than you would expect. Like Jarhead, it plays with the conventions of its genre, in that there’s very little gore, very few frightening scenes and very few on-screen deaths and unlike most other films of its kind these days, doesn’t play it for laughs. The constant twists and turns, a few which are maybe a little too convoluted, keep you guessing until the end and despite some dodgy acting, it’s an enjoyable addition to the teen horror flick.

Romantic comedies are not exactly my favourite type of film, but they can be watchable enough when they’re done well. Failure To Launch (*) is not. The plot is nonsensical, Matthew McConaughey plays the same charmless schmuck he plays in nearly every movie and Sarah Jessica Parker isn’t likeable enough to justify her character’s ridiculous career choice as a woman who somehow cons stay-at-home 30-something men into finally getting their own place. Even the excellent Kathy Bates can’t save it. Worst of all, it’s just downright dull. I switched it off with about half an hour remanining, so who knows, maybe I missed out on a huge cinematic masterpiece of a finale. I doubt it.

The Worst TV Show Ever Made?

2006-09-07T19:40:00.000+01:00

File Princess Nikki under "How not to stretch a rather feeble concept into a six part series." Everyone involved in this programme, should feel as utterly ashamed as I do for watching it.

How Channel 4 bosses must have thought they were onto a winner when they signed Nikki, after her original mass worship exit. And how they must have cried after she ruined it all by going back in the BB house and proving what a wretched monstrosity she had become. The look on her face when Davina calls her name out and her subsequent mass-booing eviction was Reality TV justice at its best. You think E4 might have spared us all and pulled the show or put it on at the graveyard shift. But no, the show gets a comfy 10pm slot. Which means more airtime for Nikki, which sends out a great message to the younger BB audience. The more petulant, bitchy and rude you are, the more you are rewarded.

So we now get to see Nikki destroying a hotel's reputation right in front of the owner, Nikki pretending to throw up on a fisherman's boat, and Nikki refusing to work in a chip shop unless she gets some bottled water. Television at its best, I'm sure you'll agree. The only satisfying part of the show was when the rather scary chip shop owner said to her face what the whole nation is thinking. That she was "absolutely terrible", "arrogant" and "up her own arse." Brilliant. If it was up to me, I'd give the scary chip-shop owner her own show instead, where she could follow around wannabe Z-list BB losers like Mikey, Grace and Sezer and tell them exactly what she thinks of them.

Yawn!

2006-09-07T18:28:00.000+01:00

So the Arctic Monkeys have won the Mercury Music Prize. How completely pointless. The Mercury Music Prize has never been about awarding the best album of the year, but serves more as a great promotional tool for largely unknown acts. Was '97 winner Roni Size's "New Forms" really the best album in a year that saw the release of such landmark albums as OK Computer, Fat of The Land and Spice. Likewise with ’98 winner Gomez' "Bring It On" which beat the likes of Urban Hyms, International Velvet and Life Thru A Lens. No, but they offered something different, something outside the mainstream that deserved to be heard by a wider audience.

So why give it to a band that’s already had two #1s, sold nearly a million copies already and have been hyped to within an inch of their life. Surely acts like The Guillemots, Hot Chip or Richard Hawley would have benefitted more. Look what the Prize did for Antony and the Johnsons and Badly Drawn Boy, (we’ll forget about Talvin Singh). I’m not saying big albums from big bands shouldn’t be nominated but this is the second time in three years that a million-selling album has won it. Who next? James Blunt? They might as well just leave this kind of thing to The Brits.

Thank God For Sky+

2006-09-05T19:44:00.000+01:00

Tuesday nights are fast becoming the best TV night of the week, thanks to three ultimately different shows, which as usual, are all on at the same time.

3 Non-Blondes is probably one of my favourite comedy shows of all time so I had high hopes for Little Miss Jocelyn. And while it is wholly unoriginal, it’s not bad at all. Jocelyn Jee Esien is a great comic actress and the “no-one knows I’m black”, “US President” and “businesswoman throwing a tantrum” sketches are as good as anything on the much more acclaimed Catherine Tate show. Unfortunately it does suffer from French and Saunders syndrome, particularly with the marriage guidance characters, where the more unfunnier a sketch is, the longer it seems to go on. Another series of 3 Non-Blondes would have been better but it’s a decent substitute.

Sky One’s Big Ron Manager is an unintentionally hilarious programme about Ron "I signed Cyril Regis so I'm not a racist" Atkinson attempting to help the glamorous Peterborough United get promoted. Sort of like a Ramsey's Kitchen Nightmares for football. Except that Peterborough aren't a nightmare. They were on the verge of a play off-place. And Atkinson's presence doesn't help them one iota. Indeed they end up losing nearly every match, missing it out on promotion and a much needed few million. Ultimately, you end up feeling sorry for all concerned. The actual manager, Steve Bleasdale, for being undermined by his chairman, the team who can see glory slipping away through every game, and Big Ron himself, who wanders around each episode like a lost soul, not quite knowing why he's there or what he's exactly supposed to do.

And then there's Lost, which I’m still persevering with despite it infuriating me nearly every episode. Why does no-one ask any questions? At all? Like when they keep on meeting “The Others”, why does no-one ask who they are, where have they come from, how long they have been there etc. And why do characters seem to keep being forgotten at the drop of a hat. Michael’s been missing half this series and yet no-one seems to mention him. I forgot he existed until he turned up at the end of last week’s episode.

I’ve managed to avoid any spoilers so far but I’ve been told by various people that something unexpected happens tonight. (Edit - I certainly wasn't expecting THAT!) Maybe Hurley will actually lose some weight then? Anyway, It’s still intriguing enough to watch but you do sometimes get the feeling that you are wasting an hour of your life watching this every week, and that when it finally ends, probably in about 2023, that it will all lamely turn out to be one big dream.

Singles Out Tomorrow

2006-09-03T12:16:00.000+01:00

Next week's chart looks like it could be very interesting indeed with several big names releasing comeback singles. First up, Robbie Williams, who releases his most "Marmite" single yet, "Rudebox" (***). Yep, it's even more opinion-dividing than Rock DJ and a lot of people seem to think it's some ironic joke rather than a serious attempt at an 80s style hip-hop record. I'm not a huge Robbie fan but I admire the fact he's not afraid to try something different with each record. Which other male artist would be so bold as to release singles as diverse as "Rudebox", "Tripping" and "Radio" as lead singles from their last three albums? I like the Sly and Robbie sample. But hate the lame attempt at the comedy rap, and the embarrassing video which would have been far better without his "uncle dancing at a wedding" appearance.

Scissor Sisters on the other hand haven’t been so daring. “I Don’t Feel Like Dancing” (**) sticks rigidly to the "if it ain’t broke, don’t fix it formula". Its Leo Sayer/Nolans/Bee Gees pastiche is pleasant enough but does tend to grate after hearing it every five minutes, no matter what radio station you listen to. It’s already gone top five on download alone so expect it to give them their first ever #1 next week. But they’ll have to do better for album #3.

More disappointingly, however, is Kelis’ “Bossy” (*). Kaleidoscope remains one of my favourite R&B albums of all time. Fresh, inventive and a million miles away from the bling-bling R&B that surrounded it at the time, it was everything that this tuneless, formulaic dirge is not. Hope she gets back to the Neptunes fast.

Nelly Furtado shows her how to do it on the excellent “Promiscuous” (****), a return to form from Timbaland after the below-par “Sexyback”, which exemplifies how easy the transition from folk-pop to sassy R&B has been for her.

Elsewhere, Jealousy’s “Lucy” (***) seems to have been around for ages but it doesn’t detract from what is a pretty simple but catchy dance track, with a soulful vocal from Mani Hoffman, the man behind Superman Lovers. Lemar continues his downward spiral from promising urban talent to the kind of bland, karaoke style crooner that Radio 2 laps up. “It’s Not That Easy” (*) is a incredibly lazy and unininspiring song which is easily the most boring single of the week,if not the year.

Muse continue to surprise everyone, me included, by releasing a second superb pop single. “Starlight” (****) features yet more falsetto vocals, handclaps, and is completely over the top and all the better for it. And finally, sampling Phil Collins on a dance record would usually be a criminal offence but Supafly Inc’s “Movin Too Fast” (***) just about manages to get away with it.

The Bitch Is Back

2006-09-03T11:21:00.000+01:00

So, the US Apprentice is back on our screens. And although it's not as good as the UK one, (there's no-one remotely like Ruth Badger for starters) there's still plenty of comic mileage to be had in the various Donald Trump wigs, staged business deals and unashamed self-promotion that runs through the show. It also has a genuinely great character in Carolyn, Trump's right-hand woman, who seems to do nothing but bitch, glare icily and agree with everything Trump says ad nauseam. Apparently, she was told "You're Fired" herself last week. I'm sure the show will suffer as a result.

The contestants, however, are truly abhorrent. Obnoxious, big headed, no sense of self-awareness, they're the kind of characters you really didn't think existed outside films like Wall Street. I suppose working with Trump is the perfect come-uppance for them really. They're also totally and utterly incompetent.

Just in the first two episodes, we've had someone have a nervous breakdown over the fact she had to work in a motel reception for just two days, someone spend nearly half their budget on replacing toilets in a restoration task, and a marketing executive whose brilliant idea to attract people to try a new Burger King burger was to stand outside the restaurant with some kind of cardboard box with a hole in the side, for people to try and chuck a ping-pong ball into.

They make people like the UK's Syed, Paul "bullshitter" Tulip and the woman, whose name I can't remember, who gave the pitch for kitten calendars, the most cringeworthy bit of TV I've seen all year, look like business geniuses. It's all very entertaining. Just wish it wasn't on at the ungodly time of 11.20pm.

Is It 1999 Again?

2006-09-02T11:39:00.000+01:00

The last boyband to make any kind of impression in the charts, V, was two years ago, and they were good-looking, had a knowing sense of humour, and pop songs produced by man-who-can-do-no-wrong, Brian Higgins. And they still flopped.

Like it or not, the era of the traditional boyband looks to be well and truly over. So why on earth would anyone think the whole concept of the truly awful US5, a boyband who couldn't sound more late 90s even if they teamed up with Lou Bega, Ann Lee and Eiffel 65 for a cover of Livin La Vida Loca, is a good idea.

This German-based boyband is made up of two Aaron Carter lookalikes, a token ugly "alternative" one, a token "urban" one, and somehow a poor British guy, who I can only assume joined the group with the thought that it was extremely unlikely that a German boyband would try and crack the UK and that he would be spared the embarrassment of his family and friends knowing he's in the world's most ill-conceived and misjudged pop act since Clea, the Lidl version of Atomic Kitten.

Their awful new single, Maria, which has surprisingly been all over the music channels lately, is out in a few weeks time and it's going to be fascinating to see whether anyone, bar a few teenage girls whose idea of musical heaven is a transatlantic version of O-Town, will buy it.

The Zzzzz Factor

2006-09-01T17:09:00.000+01:00

So what should my first post be about? Something which signifies my level of cultural appreciation right from the start. The Complete Violin Concertos of Mendelssohn? The latest Pedro Almodovar film? Maybe the new BBC4 series on Versailles?

No, of course, it's the third series of The X Factor. The show is only three weeks in and it's already looking stale, tired and formulaic. And the auditions are supposed to be the best bit.

The ever-increasing emotional blackmail sob stories e.g. I care for my sick mum, I lost my baby, my cousin's friend's godmother's fish had an allergic reaction to it's food and almost died blah blah blah, are very intrusive, manipulative and makes you feel like you're watching an all-singing Jeremy Kyle show rather than a talent contest.

And whereas on the first few pop reality shows, you genuinely believed the tone-deaf contestants really did think they had a chance of becoming a pop star, these days, like the freaks on Big Brother, everyone is too knowing. The attempts to be hilariously bad are so contrived and are obviously done just to get airtime or if they're very lucky, carve out a brief career as a novelty pop star a la Cheeky Girls or Chico.

The show has also been rendered utterly pointless by the failure to launch its two previous winners as anything but glorified karaoke singers.

Yeah, the second series of Pop Idol was a bit flat but at least the participants had someone to aspire to in the shape of Will Young. The first Pop Idol did create a genuine star who will probably still be around in ten years. And it also created a few B-listers (Darius and Gareth) as well. You genuinely did believe the aim of Pop Idol was to find a star.

Whereas the aim of The X Factor seems to be to release a cliched ballad about your struggle to the top at Christmas time and then cobble together an album full of uninspired covers and dreary love songs that even Westlife would turn down for being too formulaic just in time for Mother's Day, and then never be seen in the top ten again.

I mean, that's all Steve Brookstein was good for. But did they really have to screw Shayne Ward over in the same way. Yeah, the whole "UK Justin Timberlake" tag was laughable, but he had a good image, decent voice and the potential to be a pretty good popstar. But that's now gone all down the pan after his last Unchained Melody rip-off single missed the top ten. He's probably done enough to get a second album but you can hardly seeing him doing a Will Young, sticking up two fingers to Simon Cowell and making a self-written second album that hasn't fallen off the identikit ballad production line.

But my main gripe with the show are the judges. Simon Cowell is great at scathing put downs but he doesn't seem to know his arse from his elbow when it comes to music. This is the guy who turned down Take That and Busted, the biggest boybands of their respective decades. This is the guy who thought Girl Thing were going to be bigger than the Spice Girls. And perhaps most unbelievably he was the the only non-teenage girl in the country, who actually thought Gareth Gates was better than Will Young. How has he got this reputation as a genius musical mogul? Anyone who gets turned down by him should feel flattered!

But at least Cowell is watchable. Louis Walsh, on the other hand, is the devil incarnate. I don't think I've ever despised someone who I've never met so much before. I'm almost tempted to set up an "I Hate Louis Walsh" website to rival last Saturday's poor deluded girl's online shrine to him. And I'm sure it would end up with more than 45 members. I could write a whole blog about how much I hate him and his weasly eyes, his jaw-dropping "but he's blind" comment in the first series, his decision to keep The Conway Sisters over Maria last series etc etc. But I won't. One word sums up why he's so detestable. Westlife.

Sharon Osbourne is cringingly embarassing in the live shows but rather sweet and motherly in the audition shows and is a welcome antidote to the snide and contrived nastiness that comes from either side of her. But like Cowell, she seems lost when it comes to anything musical post-1975. Anytime anyone sings a song from the last ten years, and we're not talking some obscure Aphex Twin song here, but the usual suspects, Britney, Anastacia, Robbie etc. it's the same old "I'm not really familiar with that song." What are you doing judging a pop star contest in 2006 then?

The three judges are always saying they're looking for the next Kylie, Robbie or Spice Girls but the truth is they wouldn't have a clue what to do with them even if they found them.

In saying all this, I'll be religiously watching it every Saturday in the vain hope that the winner might be able to break the mould and actually have some kind of backbone when it comes to their music. But to be honest I think next year's Mother's Day weekend chart No.1 spot has already been filled.